All There Is Left

​By Camille

One of the hardest aspects about having a good time is when it ends, and all you have left are the images of those moments flashing behind your eyelids. As I have mentioned in one of my previous articles, I already struggle with staying in the moment, due to my excessive daydreaming. The immense anticipation for when a good time turns into a memory does not exactly help me stay in the moment as I already begin to long for that good moment. 

I did not realize that I was struggling with these feelings of anticipation until recently when I have had the time to travel back a couple of years to reflect on these moments. When I looked back on those moments, I realized that I was sad before these moments even ended because I wanted them to last forever. Forcing myself back into the moment to focus on my feelings in the present-much rather than the future-was a lot harder than I expected.

It is important to live in these moments because we need these happy memories to reflect on. Memories also help shape the person we are today, it preserves room for learning and growth as we progress in life. I cannot live in the moment until I directly confront these fears of a fun time turning into a distant memory.

As someone who does not go out often, I have large periods of time to focus on these memories as they are so far in between. Most of my time is spent doing the same exact thing every day, so whenever I have the chance of doing something different, it is exciting. The most painful part of reflecting on memories is the desperate desire to go back in that moment, and the realization that I cannot go back is what causes me to avoid these memories. 

I became conscious of my avoidance of memories when I refused to listen to certain songs because they had memories attached to them. Songs that I frequently listened to throughout high school are long forgotten because it reminds me of the good times I had. Instead of embracing these memories, I find myself avoiding them altogether which is harming my mental health more than helping it. High school was filled with fantastic moments that continue to be regarded distantly as I try to shut out those memories.

Moving during my junior year was especially hard as all I had left were memories to reflect on. I was no longer afforded the luxury of creating these memories in the first place. It became painful, and I envied my friends that stayed behind and continued to have good times. 

I eventually hope to reach a point in my life where memories are welcome and I can live in the moment much rather than focus on my feelings in the future. I will continue to research how I can embrace these memories, especially at points in my life where I need a pick-me-up. 

Although I have no useful advice for something I have just begun working on, it is important to even admit that this is an issue. Memories should be something that is embraced, and I should happily regard them rather than avoid them. Good memories are meant to evoke bittersweet moments, and I should anticipate when I get to make much more. Until then, I will focus on healthily incorporating memories into my life whenever they make an appearance.​