Anger and How To Deal With It (In the best way I know)

By N.J

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Now, I am, generally speaking, a pretty temperamental person. I have learned to control my mood and temper over the years and now do fairly well. But that doesn’t mean I am infallible. Anger is often seen in my society as a dangerous and unhealthy emotion. I am from a place where people often value bottling your emotions up and being some sort of saint. Well, I’ll tell you now (From far too much personal experience) that all it leads to is you eventually exploding and causing more destruction that you could possibly ever have caused had you not bottled up your emotions (As a HUGE Star Wars nerd I always say, remember Vader.). Anger often gets shunned aside by society as the ‘Bad emotion that causes nothing but trouble’ and ‘The emotion only overly emotional people or people who don’t know how to control their emotions feel’. 

But In this article I hope to address at least some of these societal barriers. 

First I want to go over some of the most common opinions people have about anger and the way we express it.

• IT IS DESTRUCTIVE - Now, yes, there is a certain element of truth to this. Anger when uncontrolled and more importantly when concentrated, is destructive. But feeling angry about stubbing your toe or not getting the grades you thought you would get in a test is likely not going to turn you into a sith lord. Even feeling angry at/about a family member or friend is not necessarily a bad thing, given that you don’t hold on to this anger. The most important part of being human is remembering the fact that everyone around is also a human. People make mistakes. People can be dumb. People may be having a bad day. Cut people some slack. It doesn’t mean you have to sit around listening to people insult you or belittle you. But don’t resort to anger first. When you feel angry, take a moment and think if you would be angry if the same thing that made you angry now had happened a day or two from now. This often allows me to see if I am angry at a situation/entity or if I am just having a bad day and taking out my frustration on everything happening around me. Breath. Relax. Know that an angry outburst often only makes a volatile situation worse as your anger will most likely prompt others involved to also get their anger involved.
  
• ONLY EMOTIONAL PEOPLE/ IMMATURE PEOPLE FEEL/ SHOW ANGER - Now. This. Is. Dead. Wrong. This is just so wrong in so many ways. Anger is a very normal and rather important emotional response. Everyone is capable of feeling it. Some people show it a little more than others but that's it. Just because you cry when you are angry doesn’t make you a weak person. If anything it's a better response to anger than mine - which is to either yell (if I know the person well) or go dead silent and throw insults (Nothing too crazy) at them while silently fuming inside. Most of my friends know when I am angry. I don’t often try to hide it (Partly because I usually try to keep quiet until I am far too angry to care, Partly cause I don’t know how). And I think neither should you (but you have to keep your surroundings in mind as always) if your anger is aimed at something trivial or it's just your daily burst of random anger. Let it out in smaller portions intermittently instead of exploding like a hydrogen bomb after bottling up your emotions for months on end.
  
• ANGER IS A DEFENCE MECHANISM FOR PEOPLE WHO KNOW THEY ARE WRONG BUT ARE TOO STUBBORN TO GIVE UP - Now, at first glance this statement might be true. But correlation is not causation. Of course no one likes to lose an argument. But if you struggle with giving up on a debate, always remember that we all have to simply agree to disagree. Know that what you see as the morally correct position may not be thought of as the right opinion by someone else. Just like you disagreed with the person opposite you, they also have the right to mount a counter argument against you. If anything, try to learn something from the other person. Remember, you don’t have to convince everyone around you to think like you in order to validate your opinion. It's already validated. While I personally believe that we do not need to seek someone’s opinion on facts, if you disagree with me, that's fine too. But if the actions you take based on your beliefs hurt anyone or anything else, then you should always reevaluate your choices. Reevaluating your choices won’t be the end of the world. We as people learn and grow. People make mistakes. But if they learn and grow from it, then give them another chance (But be mindful of not getting stuck in an endless loop of apologies and second chances.).
  

As for controlling anger, It's hard to ever give a one size fits all answer. Your anger is often a very complex emotion, stemming from a multitude of environmental and mental reasons which can be hard to explain or decipher. But I can try my best to explain what has helped me over the years (Although it should probably be mentioned that my family still drives me up the wall and makes me say things I don’t mean. So do as I say, not as I do).

• Think first, act second - This is the most basic piece of advice. No matter what happens, always think before you act. It's incredibly hard to follow but this simple advice can make huge impacts.
  
• Sometimes...it's ok to do nothing - Something I personally have had a bit of an issue with is that whenever I am angry I get this overwhelming need to do something, anything to just let people know what I am struggling. The issue being that I have no Idea how to do this. Other times, I just want to vent my frustration and have no Idea what to do. What I have learned recently is that it's perfectly ok to just...do nothing. Just sit and take a deep breath. Do something that relaxes you. Find your happy place.
  
• Avoid people who trigger you - It is notoriously easy to destroy a relationship just because the people involved were angry. Don’t attempt to talk to or engage with people who have always triggered you. Instead- seek out people who you trust and find comfort in. If there is no such person in particular, find an activity that you seek comfort in. For example, I love starwars. A lot . So I often retreat to watching videos related to star wars. If not that, I retreat to writing or reading. This helps me enter a comfort zone and helps me focus my energy somewhere positive. 
  
• Remember that just because today was bad, doesn’t mean tomorrow will be as well - This is something that can lead to very, very toxic situations. Life can seem like an endless loop of bad experiences and it can be very damaging to your mental health. So always remember that, there will be light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how unlikely that seems.
  
• DO NOT BOTTLE UP YOUR ANGER - This one is fairly self explanatory. Don’t do it. It's a mistake. Talk to people you trust. Even talking to yourself helps !
  

So these are the tips I have for everyone out there struggling with anger issues. Know that what you are experiencing is normal. I know these are easy to say but harder to do. Know that I am still bad at controlling my volatile temper despite my best efforts. Keep at it, and you’ll get to a place where you are comfortable.