Building a friend group

​By Heidy

Making friends can be challenging, especially if you’re trying to make a whole social circle from scratch. Having just moved to a new town in my junior year of high school, looking for a friend group was tough. By then, many people had already settled into friend groups that they’ve had for the last few years. At lunchtime, I changed spots nearly ten times to find a decent group of friends. I wanted to be a “Phoebe” or a “Rachel”, like the characters from Friends, a show that showcases one of the most famous friend groups on TV. 

I eventually joined a friend group toward the end of senior year. Although we all drifted apart by graduation, I still appreciated the many benefits of a friend group: sharing experiences with many people at once, reducing your stress, and having a reliable support network that boosts your self-esteem. 

Creating your Own Group:

When deciding how to gather a bunch of like-minded individuals, start with people you already know well. Introduce your friends to each other. Host a small party, a dinner, or a hangout. For example, I took a few friends ice-skating before the COVID-19 pandemic to give them a chance to meet each other. You can introduce a couple of friends or several all at once. 

When you can’t get together in person, you can communicate online, too. Create a group chat with your friends so you can make plans in sync. Make sure to set dates for these hangouts and be consistent about them. I made the mistake of thinking that if no one initiated, then I had no hope of friendship. But the truth is, people are often so busy with work or schoolwork that they might forget to ask to hang out themselves. Even so, people are happy to accept invitations; they just need someone to take the initiative.

However, chances are it’ll take more than one hangout for your friend group to grow close. No one will feel committed until the group meets at least a couple times, and then you’ll see each other as a whole team. 

Do you feel like you have no friends? That’s okay. That leaves you with even more opportunities to venture out into the social scene and meet new people. Ask yourself: what do you want in a friend? Who do you want to be friends with? Why do you want to join a group? What are you basing your feelings on (support or higher social status)? These questions are important because they’ll help you figure out what you’re looking for. I knew that I personally wanted to look for people who could be a trusted confidant, a little introverted, and passionate about their interests.
 
Keeping the Friend Group Thriving: 

You might notice that someone else in the friend group hasn’t assimilated well either. You already have much in common because you’re both working yourselves into the group. Try to get to know those on the outskirts because you will find real friendships there, too. 

Most importantly, do not rush your new relationships. I made the mistake of hurrying a conversation into too many personal topics one time and was consequently avoided for the rest of the school semester. It’s also important to develop each friendship in the group: don’t be the type of person who befriends people out of convenience or just because they’re friends of your friends. Plus, you should avoid always participating in activities with the whole group at once. This may seem counterintuitive, since group activities will initially help you get closer to your friend group. However, group meet-ups only build surface-level connections. To form a deeper relationship with the group, you have to interact with your friends one-on-one. You cannot develop as fast and meaningful friendships within a small crowd as you would through individual interactions.   

Knowing an individual requires face-to-face conversations, phone calls, texts and/or video chats, and supporting them through their achievements and endeavors. For example, if your friend has recently accepted a job offer, congratulate them and keep up to date with how their job is going. You can also show your support by staying informed about their personal projects. 

Keep in mind that the friend groups you see on TV sitcoms are scripted. Friendships take effort, except if you’re a small child... in that case, then everyone is your friend. 

A few real friends are far more valuable than a massive group of “friends” who are only with you out of convenience, are disrespectful to you, or gossip about you.

Value quality over quantity.