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By Camille Dear Younger Me,
I never thought I would be writing this letter, especially since it will be put out on the internet for the world to see. However, after reading many strong people from TWE come forward about their abuse, it has given me the means to do so as well. As you endured this trauma, the word “abuse” has never crossed your mind, at least when you would think about your family. Reflecting on the abuse you went through, and how you were able to brush it off, invokes a feeling of envy within me. Because now, I cannot think about the past without getting emotional about it. Even though you were naïve and you no longer exist today, writing this letter is my first step to recovering from this trauma. You were unable to recognize the signs because you thought it was normal. You thought every parent would call their children every name under the sun, every parent would whisper filthy things to one another about their child, just to be brought up as soon as they got angry. But that is where you went wrong. You, my dear, were an unfortunate victim of verbal and emotional abuse. Verbal abuse is abuse that is in the form of words. Your verbal abuser said anything and everything to hurt you. Verbal abuse led to emotional abuse which eventually led to the degradation of your self-esteem. You struggled to fully accept yourself because you were surrounded by people who constantly put you down. There were times where a certain word or phrase would strike an emotional chord within you, but you would swallow that feeling down until you were in your room. You were strong. And I will forever admire you for that. Your experience with verbal and emotional abuse was one that left emotional scars, as you suffered the abuse from both parents. The two people who were supposed to be your support system let you down. They called you so many names, ranging from fat, to wench, to the b-word, to many more derogatory terms; when did it ever stop? When did our parents realize that they were hurting their child, and pushing them farther away than they could imagine? Abuse can last a lifetime. Even when the words stop, the emotional trauma is still there, and it is up to me now to figure out what to do with it. My childhood has left many blemishes on my psychological state. I feel as though the person I am today reflects the experiences I have had as a child. As of today, I find myself unable to properly express my emotions. I tend to hold it all in, locked away in the depths of my mind, never to be found. Whenever I find myself crying around others, I feel disgusted. Part of me wants to be hugged and comforted and the other part wants to be left alone. There is no doubt in my mind that what we went through as a child has deeply scarred us. I sincerely hope that we can reach a point in our lives where we can live healthily–in terms of mental health. Writing this letter to you and acknowledging our pain is the first step to recovery. Your bravery back then has led me to share my story with other people in hopes that they find the strength to fight back. I am sorry that your childhood was not what you expected. But I promise to fight for a better adulthood. With Love, ~Camille I want to extend a special thanks and appreciation to everyone who has read this article! This is one of my more personal works, and I am anxious and excited to see everyone’s thoughts! If you or a loved one is suffering/suffered from any sort of abuse, please look at the links provided below for more help. (These websites do not sponsor TWE)
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By Katherine Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which one or more individuals convince the victim to doubt reality, memories, and/or judgment. Although it may seem nearly impossible to convince someone that their reality is false, it is a common form of manipulation that is most often done by someone that the victim is close to. By trusting a loved one’s judgment and perception, the victim will doubt their own opinions and experiences. The gaslighter will mold the victim’s beliefs to fit their own and therefore be in control of the victim’s mind. This can lead to anxiety, trauma, depression, low self-esteem, and may cause the victim to feel as if they are “crazy.”
A gaslighter may be difficult to spot, especially if you are the victim of this form of manipulation. Do you feel as though someone close to you trivializes your issues? Do they often tell you that you are “overreacting” or are being “crazy”? Does their judgment go against the judgment of your loved ones? Do they attempt to convince you that your experiences are “all in your head” and not real? If any of these are true, you may in fact be the victim of gaslighting. Although there are other ways to tell if you are the victim of gaslighting, these are some clear signs. If someone is the victim of a gaslighter their behaviors and mentality will change. They may feel isolated, apologize often, blame themselves for everything, feel anxious, and attempt to convince themselves that they are overthinking or are being too sensitive. Although many cases of gaslighting occur in romantic relationships, they can come from other sources as well. I have dealt with being gaslighted by many individuals over the years. The people I was closest to would manipulate me through gaslighting and make me feel as though I was “crazy.” Although I have learned to spot it, the effects of past gaslighting still remain with me to this day. At times I doubt myself, my memories, my thoughts, and my life. Some days it is hard to know what is real and what is in my head. Because I was gaslighted for so long, it feels like a part of me. Even though those people are no longer a part of my life, their gaslighting behaviors remain within me, causing me to “gaslight myself” at times. Although I still suffer from the gaslighting I faced at an early age, it has been beneficial to distance myself from the gaslighters. It may seem challenging at first but to maintain one’s own mental and physical wellbeing, it must be done. There will always be more loving and honest individuals who will truly look out for their loved ones. It may be difficult to be aware if you are the victim of gaslighting but it is crucial to do research if there are any beliefs in your mind that you are being manipulated. Regardless of how these thoughts may seem trivial or small, they should not be ignored. It is also valuable to speak with other loved ones about the situation to gain their input. It may seem challenging to remove a gaslighter from your life, especially if they are a long term friend, significant other, family member, etc. This may be difficult at first, but must be done. It is important to know that gaslighting is used to weaken the victim and strengthen the manipulator, it is not in your best interest. With gaslighting being so common, it is important to make sure that you look out for signs of gaslighting. Make sure to reach out to others who you trust. Gaslighting can be difficult to spot which makes it all the more dangerous. Gaslighting can come from abusive relationships, friends, family members, etc. We tend to look more so at romantic relationships when learning about gaslighting but it is valuable to know that this is not the only way it can occur. Make sure to look out for yourself as well as loved ones and if you or them are a victim of gaslighting, seek help and give them support. Helplines: https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-gaslighting/ The National Domestic Violence Helpline is available 24/7 via phone or chat to listen and provide support. Love. Trust. Respect. Attention. Communication.
These five points have been revisited again and again by psychologists and unofficially claimed as the five bases of a good relationship. Without these it can be almost impossible to build a strong one (either platonic or romantic) which will last. However, many relationships turn sour and bitter, and abusive or broken relationships can lead to extreme mental upheaval, in some cases leading to depression, anxiety and trust issues. Usually, when a relationship turns negative it can feel sudden or surprising, and we may not even notice a change at all until it takes a toll on our own mental state. Regularly we can feel like asking “how did I not notice this sooner?” and even blaming ourselves. The true question is, what makes a good relationship? And how can we tell the difference between a positive and a negative one? Psychologists believe that humans need seven things to stay mentally healthy. These seven things are known as The Seven Human Basic Needs. One of these is connection and love. You’d think that we would all follow these basic guidelines as they’re the equivalent to a fast-track pass to happiness, however, in this day and age many of these needs aren’t met, and can seem almost impossible to reach - especially for teenagers. In the modern world it can be easy to feel lonely, unnoticed and unloved. In fact, all of these feelings are extremely common in people with severe depression and loneliness, highlighting further the importance of connection and love to the human psyche. Upon hearing the word “relationship” our minds probably travel to the idea of a life partner, however, close friendships are just as important as a significant other. Close relationships can be formed within your family, or with school, college, uni or work friends - you may even form them online! Having people who you can rely on to be there for you - even when you don’t even want to be there for yourself - can be the most relieving thing, and even help you to manage and understand yourself better. I’ve been through my own fair share of bad friendships, but one has always stood out to me as a primary example of a problematic one, riddled with ‘red flags’ that I can now recognise as ‘Problem Points’, and have used to recognise bad friendships ever since. These Problem Points started off small at first, little things such as questionable compliments - “well, you look... nice?” - or ‘constructive’ criticism - such as “I mean this in the best way possible, but I don’t think that shirt was a good idea” . These are harmless enough, but a bad friendship will progress past this point, moving into the ‘negative comments’ phase - with “You talk a lot, could you just be quiet?” or “Your shoes look like a pair my dad used to own.” - which on their own are easily ignored, but when repeated can slowly chip away at your self-confidence, and lead you to rely on their praise to make you feel better, leading into the next Problem Point. The next is recommending their own ‘fixes’ to your ‘less desirable’ traits or aspects, such as changing your style through “oh, but this would look so much better on you” or “smile with your mouth closed, it looks better on you”, and after going through the negative comments you’ll end up craving their praise, so slowly your style, traits and even your personality may shift to accommodate them. I didn’t even notice that I was really changing, it was only my mum’s comments on how ‘different’ I looked and ‘odd’ I was acting that made me aware of the changes I was putting myself through. After this phase of ‘praise’, the negative comments come back in force, and this is normally the stage where family and friends start saying things such as “why are you letting them treat you like that?” ect. These negative comments can be things such as “are you TRYING to embarrass me? Is that your aim?” or “be quiet, I’m speaking now” or “what did we say about smiling?” If the friendship reaches this point, then either the ‘friend’ moves on and leaves you, or a family member or friend may intervene. However, very rarely will family or friends intervene if you don’t reach out first. When I went through this I ended up extremely depressed, anxious and socially withdrawn. Whilst being friends with this person a lot of family issues had also kicked off, so when I came out the end of it, everything hit me like a tonne of bricks, and I was in a very dangerous state. However, I’d been lucky enough to have one of my closest friends stand by me through the whole situation, and she helped manage to carry me through. I was also lucky to have a mum and dad I could confide in, so even though I felt alone I wasn’t. The best thing for you after coming out of a friendship like that, or even when trying to get out of a bad friendship, is to lean on your family and friends who are concerned for you. They care. And even though you’ll feel like you can’t trust anyone, they’ll be there for you. If you’re still stuck and want more advice, here’s a few websites I recommend you have a look at: For identifying an abusive friendship - https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/how-to-recognize-abusive-friendships#2 For getting out of one - https://www.canadianliving.com/life-and-relationships/relationships/article/6-steps-to-ending-a-toxic-friendship Esme |
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Teenagers With Experience is an online organisation created to provide teenagers worldwide with an online platform to share their own experiences to be able to help, inform and educate others on a variety of different topics. We aim to provide a safe space to all young people. You can contact us via email, social media or our contact form.
Please note that the content on this website is created by teenagers. While we strive to provide accurate and helpful information, it is important to remember that we are not professional experts. If you are experiencing a crisis or need professional advice, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional or a helpline. |