Commitment Confusions.

By Avika

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It is said that marriage is a girl’s dream. Thanks to development, awareness and rebellion that idea has been subdued and now it’s not the end goal. Many amazing women have proven us wrong and I am glad. But sometimes, I think about marriage too. I know that I haven’t reached that age, I mean it is illegal to marry me. My family is very supportive of me, and I know that even if I reach that age, they will be supportive of every decision. But sometimes, I wonder how my wedding will be. Will I show up in a white gown down the aisle or be wreathed in red, with heavy traditional dresses and jewellery? Maybe, I’ll have it on a beach, or a garden? 

One thing that I was confident about is that I am neutral about the idea of marriage and I would be able to adjust to it. Being an Indian, I have seen girls being married off young. Sometimes, it is because they cannot afford to keep kids and other times it is because they need some sort of support but the reasons are endless. Thankfully, I have never been in that situation and now the times in India have changed. But when there are so many luxurious and huge weddings happening around you, it is quite hard to not ponder upon how your marriage will be. I was confident that I was okay with marriage until I saw her.

One of my relatives, newly-wed, came to my house for a formal dinner. He had his wife with her and looked happy. The relatives are not very controlling either but she still had an image to maintain and as I looked at her—she followed every rule and regulation. In our culture, some things HAVE to be done by newly wedded brides and she was the epitome of it and that is great. You know. She is following everything, but how can you be so caged? 

Everyone sat down and immersed in some random talks but I was just staring at my feet thinking about how it must feel. I was beside her so I could notice a lot. The way she had her heavy gold jewellery, her bangles, the vermillion lying on her scalp, the red lipstick, the heavily embroidered dress. She was the perfect bride, but she lacked freedom. She started boasting about how well she could clean and how well she cooked with a glimmer in her eye and was hoping to charm everyone. She even remained quiet and let everyone speak. She even quietly heard the comments about the language barriers and just smiled.

I know that it is not that bad, I am sure she had a wonderful time. But her presence made me realise that maybe I am not as confident about that sort of commitment yet. I cannot see myself like that. In my heart, it is not what I can do. Maybe, my opinions will change in a few years, even decades but for now, no. I am not ready to have vermillion on me, or wear those bangles. I could use the same makeup as her to cover up what I can’t show but I know that I will lose myself with it. I know that if I commit right here, right now, I will forever feel caged, captured and captivated. Someday, I’ll say “yes” to somebody else, but not now.

This is my youth and no thoughts of vermillion flowing can stop me.