Dear Diary: Ella and the Milkshake Incident

By Eloise

TW: Bullying 

Dear Diary,
Something has been happening, and I feel like you’re the only one I can tell, so here goes.
At first, it was only sometimes.
I was walking back from school, and I was wearing my new rucksack, the one with these pretty red and yellow birds on it. Hazel was walking next to me, and we were texting Meadow, Freda and Natalie on our group chat. She kept waving her phone at me and sending videos of us walking through the high street, pulling faces. 
I could feel my cheeks squeezing happy and Hazel was laughing so much she almost fell over. 
And then I felt something wet hit the back of my neck, and I turned around instinctively, reaching my arm up to feel where it had landed. My hand came away with a brown splodge.
“Look, look, she’s touching it, ew, she’s so disgusting.”
“Look, oh my- she’s looking at us, you got a problem?”
“You want a fight?”
My cheeks grew hotter and hotter, and I watched Hazel bow her head next to me. She looked away. As the crowds of people behind me became louder, I felt my throat closing smaller and smaller until my breath caught in the fragment of air I had left. 
The next day, we walked home and it was fine again, but a couple of days later, one of Natalie’s popular friends told me I was a nerd and grabbed the pen out of my hand. I fell silent, watching Natalie shrug her shoulders at me as if she didn’t know what to say. 
Later, when it was just me, Natalie and Freda in History, Natalie turned to me and said she was sorry.
“I didn’t know what to do,” she said, and bit her lip, opening up her pencil case. She drew out a black biro and handed it to me. “Here,” she added, smiling slightly. I took it from her silently. 
“What happened?” Freda demanded, running a hand through her scarlet hair and tying it back into a ponytail. I looked at Natalie and let her recount what happened. 
Freda shook her head at both of us. 
“You need to defend yourself, Ella. Nobody will ever respect you otherwise,” she said, and she gave Natalie a look, “And you, come on, be a better friend.” 
Freda was right, and I wanted to follow her advice so much. But diary, I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like my throat closes up and I can’t say anything. And I haven’t really spoken since. It’s like all the words have fallen out of my mouth.
Each day I keep going to school, and each day I can hear people in the corridors whispering ‘nerd’ and ‘weirdo’, and I look up, hoping they’re talking to each other, but their eyes are always lingering on me. I keep showering as soon as I get home because the walk home is never milkshake-free anymore, and my neck is beginning to develop a bruise. 
Yesterday, my mum asked me if I was okay, and I told her I hated her and ran upstairs to my room. I don’t know why. I don’t really hate her. 
Freda said it’s something called ‘projecting’. She knows all these fancy psychological terms because she reads all these thick books from the library. She said I need to tell my mum about what’s happening at school. 
I don’t know, diary, what if it gets worse?
Lots of hugs, Ella xxx

Dear Diary,
I told my mum today.
I drew up a chair and sat by my mum in the kitchen. She asked me if I was okay, and I felt tears spring in the corners of my eyes. 
She enveloped me in a big hug, and I let myself cry properly. 
“What’s wrong, honey?” she asked, and she wiped the tears from my cheeks. As she did, I felt the last couple of weeks pour out of me and waited to hear what she thought. It sat in the middle of the room, uncomfortably. 
Mum finally spoke, “I’m going to have a word.”
I begged her not to, and I started to cry again. I could sort it out myself, please, please. But she said nothing more.
Lots of nervous hugs, Ella

Dear Diary,
Today was a good day!
For a couple of weeks after my mum went into school, I was really nervous they were going to start again. But I think the teachers had a word with the people doing it because I’ve walked home every day and my neck has stayed milkshake-free. I know Natalie’s friend likes me even less now, but I can live with that. 
Today, Meadow and I went into town to get Hazel’s birthday present, and we were laughing so much the whole time. Meadow kept losing her phone and her keys, and her water bottle. She is always losing her things!
Anyway, Freda is really proud of me, and I think Natalie might be secretly too. 
Lots of hugs as always! Ella xxx​