family and toxic masculinity

By Alexis

---

To my brother, 

The one who loves, but doesn’t know how to show love. 

The first time my brother told me that he loved me was before he went on a 20-day-long work trip to a different country. It was the farthest we had ever been in distance, yet the closest we had ever been as siblings. 

I hated how he never expressed love through affectionate actions. For him, love meant saving up his salary to buy me a new T-shirt, sharing clothes with me, sharing food, thoughts, and small nighttime talks. 

Everyone said we were identical because we looked the same. I hated how I only saw our differences. I’m an emotional guy who profoundly expresses his emotions, and he’s a person who loves but hides it because of how much he’s fed with toxic masculinity. 

My brother came back from his work trip. And we all knew that he would be travelling soon to work in a country very far from ours. Ever since, my relationship with my brother has changed. We became particularly close; he was no longer afraid of the word “I love you,” or “I’ll miss you.” 

The big day arrived, and I cried so hard that my eyes went sore. It was the first time I saw him cry, the first time I heard him say “I love you,” and the first time he abandoned all his fragile masculine actions.

Today, Zoom calls are all I have left of my brother, with a bunch of T-shirts that he decided not to pack, but I’ve never been closer to him. Distance teaches us a lot of things; it makes us understand how vulnerable our loved ones are and how we’re willing to let go of everything, including our beliefs, just to be closer to them.  ​