friends with benefits

By Chloë

As you probably guessed from the title of this article, I am in fact experienced in the field of ‘Friends with Benefits’. Shocking, I know. 

Now, most people will tell you this is a bad idea. You’re going to get hurt, heartbroken, forced into an uncomfortable situation, or all of the above. For some people, I am sure this is the case, and I am sure they would be screaming at me right now for even posing the concept of a positive version of FwB.

Ultimately, this is a story of how my current relationship came to be. I hope you enjoy the ride.

I’d just gone through a breakup, my first real breakup, the first time I’d had my heart fully, utterly, and undeniably shattered by someone who no longer gave me the time of day. I was fragile. Vulnerable. Weak. So, being me, I reached out to someone I’d never really spoken to before. Any change was a good change, right?

We met up, went on a walk, and then two days later made out. 

This was mistake number one. We rushed into things too quickly (he was also going through a breakup) and were using each other to try and fill the void our exes had left behind.

To say the least, it didn’t work. I decided a relationship was too much for me, but couldn’t escape the desperation I felt for physical touch and affection. I needed someone to hold me, and so did he. 

That’s when the FwB situation began, from a time of hopelessness and pain. But, as we both began healing, we realised it was because of one another. We realised that, in some weird way, being FwB was helping us grow from our pasts. We began enjoying each other’s company, spending more time just ‘hanging out’ as mates, and the FwB pushed to the side.

A bond was formed between us. He always listened when I complained, cried, and/or yelled about my ex, and I accepted and understood his quiet nature. I got him and he got me. 

But, I still wasn’t ready for more. I think we ‘dated’ around 3 times before it stuck. I got scared, ran away, messed things up over and over and over, but he remained a constant in my otherwise rocky, hectic life.

So, yes, I do think FwB can have its perks. If with the right person, you have someone who cares for you, comforts you, and supports you, without any of the extra relationship mess that you just can’t deal with sometimes. But, the wrong person could manipulate you, gaslight you, and even potentially break your heart.

Ultimately, you have to ask yourself one simple question: Am I doing this for the right reasons? These being: “I care for them, I just don’t have the time to fully commit.” If so, I would say go for it and then, when you are both ready, you can decide together through mutual understanding and respect, whether you want to take things further or stop them altogether. One point I want to clarify is this: as soon as you feel uncomfortable, you need to make that decision. Things will only get worse if you sit in the dark, whether that be concealing deeper feelings for the person, or wanting to opt out of the FwB altogether.

I’ll admit, at some points I was doing it for the wrong reason. I was craving the feeling of being loved and so I manipulated him into doing so, before running away when the exact thing I wanted happened. It was only after I ended the FwB and we started dating that I fully let my guard down, and accepted his and my own emotions comfortably.

My main pieces of advice are:

• Talk. I know, this isn’t what you would expect, but being FwB is a weird, tricky thing, one that tends to be unfamiliar to those involved. The best way to ensure both of you are happy and comfortable is through communicating your feelings. Not in a ‘lovey dovey’ way, but by allowing each other to express concerns or issues if and when they arise in order to avoid further complications down the line.
  
• Attachment. If you feel yourself getting attached when you know you are not emotionally available, pull away. Tell them you need space and take it. I know it can be hard because, of course, you’ll miss them, but you need to clear your own head before you can even consider anything more.
  
• Acceptance. I know it’s hard, but there’s a chance that you won’t both be on the same wavelength all the time. That’s okay. It’s what you signed up for. If they opt out or profess their undying love, try to accept them for that. Neither of you should ever feel like a fool or unworthy for experiencing your emotions. Fortunately, me and my now boyfriend tended to be on the same page (and, if not, were very effective at communicating our feelings constantly) and so this didn’t tend to happen, but I understand it can and I want you to know I am here supporting you if it does.
  

Friends with Benefits are unconventional, foreign things, but they can also be the beautiful, unconventional, surprising foundations of a relationship you didn’t know you needed, and you didn’t dream of coming to be.