“I really don’t know”; Assorted

By Zephyr

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“I really don’t know. Sometimes, I love my parents. Sometimes, I don’t. There are times when I want to stay in their arms forever and times when I just want to move out, far away from them.”

Shoutout to everyone who has mixed feelings about their parents, like me. It took me some time to understand that this mixed feeling is valid, and it is okay. 
I am very close to my parents. They are the first people I think of reaching out to with anything, from academic and future decisions to my sexuality and almost non-existent love/sex life. Our family trips are filled with playing games, me and my father judging someone, recreating pictures and a lot of fun! Mealtimes are filled with mature discussions, jokes, and funny childhood stories. I would not be lying if I say my father is a living meme! 

But in between all the rainbow and sunshine family life, sometimes my parents can get toxic towards me and this is a hard realization to come to, especially when you have grown up extremely close to them. 

Sometimes parents can love you but be toxic to you. 

Sometimes they can genuinely care for you, but lack emotional maturity. 

Sometimes they try their best to be good parents, like mine, but fall back into old behaviour and attitude. 

I vividly remember my mother calling me weak for being diagnosed with anxiety and accusing me of raising her blood pressure. She called me selfish, and said that she didn’t know how I would survive without being “strong”. It wasn’t the first time, but I was more hurt than ever. It felt like every little hope and happiness I had collected was being torn and thrown away. Imagine the pain you would feel when the person you first reach out to when you are in pain disregards your pain and calls you weak for going through it. I can assure you her words and attitude weren’t what hurt me, it was the person who it was coming from and it wasn’t the first time. She was the first one to understand anxiety, do some extra research, and take me for professional help. She would cuddle me to sleep when things get bad, she would take me out for long night drives and she would be there for me. 

Through all the breakdowns, thoughts, derealization and self-harm, I have understood that no matter what their reason is, this is not acceptable. It is okay to feel exhausted and hurt when they betray you. It is okay to display your emotions, and you don’t always need to forgive and forget. 

And, if you are in the same position as me, I want you to know that it is okay to protect yourself. It is okay to create a safe distance and form boundaries. It is okay to need some space. 

Creating safe emotional space and boundaries has been very difficult for me, one of the hardest things I have ever been through. But it was all worth it. You need to learn to protect yourself. Life throws a lot of things at your face and it will knock you out, but it’s upon you to face it. Creating emotional distance between parents can make you feel ungrateful or make you think you don’t love them anymore. You are not abandoning them or unloving them. You are standing up for yourself, for your health. 

Here are a few other tips to deal with this mixed feeling: 

• Vent or rant it out to your trusted people! Honestly, it helps. I found out that some people are actually on the same boat as me! 
• Find things you want to and you don’t want to share with your parents. It isn’t necessary that you share everything. I do this all the time! I don’t need to share everything with them. I am my person!
• Create boundaries. Simple boundaries make a great difference. One boundary I enjoy practicing with my parents is that they give me my space when I go through anxiety unless I ask for support and to never disregard each other’s pain because drowning in a 7ft pool is drowning and drowning in a 5ft pool is also drowning. 
• Talk with them. Yes, this can be really hard, but let them know you are hurt and you don’t want them to repeat their words ever again. 
• You can also have a third party speak to them! I had my psychologist speak to them and it has really helped! 

I know it is confusing in the colourless meadow of love, guilt, stress and anxiousness you are standing on. I have been there and still finding my way out. There are so many thoughts, emotions in your head and I just want to promise you, you are not alone.