I trusted you.

By ​Chloë 

Dear Non,

You’ve been my best friend for over a year now and I think we both took that friendship for granted in different ways.

I turned to you whenever I was down or upset and you comforted me. You understood me and knew how to make things better. I thought things were good between us, I thought I was that one lucky girl who managed to have a guy best friend with no complications.

Then, you told me you loved me, and everything changed.

Except, it didn’t. Maybe that was my first mistake, maybe I shouldn’t have believed you when you told me it was over, maybe I should have confided in you less. But I didn’t want to accept it.

I didn’t want to lose you yet, a year and a half later, that’s exactly what I’ve done.

We managed to prolong the inevitable, but I guess all good things must come to an end.

I hope you know that I love you too. Not in the way that you love me, but I still do. I loved talking to you and hanging out with you; watching Rick and Morty and having our deep chats every night. You were always there for me and I am so grateful for that.

I just wish I could give you what you want. 

But I can’t. And now I’m talking to a new guy and he’s amazing and it could be something, it really could, and it’s crushed you. And I'm so sorry.

I can’t count the number of times I tried to help, the number of times I tried to stop you from loving me. I tried to be angry and disappointed and empathetic and cruel and heartless and self-depreciating but nothing I ever did seemed to work.

You didn’t want to stop loving me. So, no, I am not going to take the full blame. This isn’t just an apology, this is me trying to make amends.

I made it clear that I didn’t want anything more from you, I thought the fact that I was already in a different relationship would be enough to show you that. But it didn’t, did it?

Every encounter, every time I confided in you, you just used it as another reason to fall in love with me. I’d asked you not to, but you didn’t want to stop.

Did you like making me miserable? Did you enjoy watching me plagued with guilt? Does it make you happy to know that I’m crying as I write this? 

Probably not. But you continued anyway.

So, Non, if you ever read this, and I highly doubt you will, I just want you to know that I am sorry that this happened. I’m sorry we couldn’t just be friends - I’m sorry we couldn’t be more. But, I’m also so angry at you for abusing my trust.

I trusted you. 

This wasn’t fair on me. None of this was fair on me.