I wish it was that simple

By Alexis

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“I've been told that I could take something to fix it
Damn, I wish it, I wish it was that simple” - Anxiety, Julia Michaels. 

It was the night before my 12th grade physics exam, I had already studied this subjected a hundred times during the year, yet I had a crippling fear going through my spine. 

What if I fail? What if I let my parents down? What if I didn’t even wake up to the test? 

I came back from the test; it ended up just fine; I aced that test. 

It was the night before my 12th-grade results; I knew I did well in all my tests, but what if I didn't? What if there was something I wasn’t aware of? What if there was a question that I hadn’t noticed on some test? 

The results came out just fine, I did well and scored high. 

I don’t remember when I started having these anxiety attacks, but I remember that at first I thought that they were normal feelings. I remember talking to my sister about it, and she told me it’s fine, unless it interferes with my daily activities. 

It soon did, and as I deeply knew that things would always be alright, I couldn’t stop these ideas from conquering my brain. Worst of all, I couldn’t stop them from growing into impulsive ideas that are even far from being realistic, like the one time I thought I would catch AIDS just because I used a public restroom, although I knew very well that we don’t catch STIs like that. 

I became scared of everything, even sharing basic things about my day with my friends, because what if they hated me for some reason and left me? 

I trusted only one person in this world: my friend Zi. She saw what I turned out to be and suggested that I start writing my thoughts down. 

As I wrote down my thoughts, I started finding out how unrealistic they are, and I started improving slowly. I still am not in the best version that I aspire to be, and I know I have tons to work on, probably with a mental health professional, but at least, I don’t think that I have an STI just because I used a public restroom the other day. 

Writing not only helps me organise my thoughts, but it also helps me know myself better. It helped me calm these voices in my head down and gave myself a break because I deserve a break.