LIFE AFTER GRADUATION

By Syifa

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I never expected that all of sudden, I would doubt my goals. What is my dream? Why am I anxious? and what can I do about it? 

After a two-month break from TWE, I finally came back with a new step in my life.  Life after graduating. Actually, I’m not graduating yet. I still have 2 months before the graduation ceremony. However, I finally got through my thesis defense. 

23rd July. That was when I officially got my bachelor’s degree. I felt relieved and anxious at the same time. I envisaged my future and asked, “ok, what next?”. Day by day, the anxiety increased and consumed me.  Consequently, I became numb and sensed a loss of identity. What is my purpose in life? What is my passion? Master degree or just find a job? and other existential questions. 

Besides that, colleagues of my age have already started their careers. I compared myself to them while I have zero motivation to even gather my life together. The other thing is, in this pandemic situation, it is hard to reach support from friends. We already knew that support is very important to most aspects of life. 

Then I started to think, “ok first, let’s just get more money”. Then I realized, this is not the right thinking. I mean, everyone wants money but the difference is some people are happy with the process of gaining them instead of being a slave of money lust.

These past months, I felt a drawback from the level I was before. Long before my thesis defence, I had purpose. I know ‘me’ and I am confident enough to pursue my career. However, it was gone after the thesis defence. I couldn’t plan my future and thought that I’m not ready to enter the workforce. Things I enjoyed before are not enjoyable anymore. Is it because I’m anxious? I think so.

I try to break my feelings down to the Anxieties' characteristics by Barlow (2004). There are factors to define anxious apprehension.
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• High level of negative emotions. 
  

​Here is when I felt a lot of fears. I fear for the future. I fear that I wasn’t doing enough in college and I regret that I didn’t do better in my study. I fear that my skills aren’t good enough to apply for a job etc. 

• A sense of uncontrollability. 

The future has a lot of uncertainty. I felt like I couldn’t sense my future. Hence, I don’t know how to plan my life. Time always goes on and I am stuck between regret and self-doubt. I couldn’t gather my life as I was. The thoughts became intrusive that pulled me under. 

• Shift in attention from self-focus or a state of self-preoccupation. 

I was born in Asian culture, where parents’ decisions play an important role in their children's’ life. Right after graduation, my parents pushed me to find new jobs or scholarships and asked me what I am going to be (while I’m still questioning about it). I love this mindset but it makes me more pressured.

Those factors help me define why I feel anxious. Therefore, I could decide action toward the negative and intrusive thoughts and build more constructive mindsets.

There is a model I know that can be applied to reduce anxiety, depression, and fear. It is called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It assumes that our beliefs about situations influence how we act and eventually the consequences. It’s focusing on reconstructing negative thoughts and beliefs. For example, if I believe that I am worthy and skilful enough to enter employment, then I’d focus on improving myself. We can also question the negative thoughts by asking “is that rational?”, ”is this thought helpful?”, etc. The results: no time wasted on intrusive thoughts and unproductive days.

I think that’s all I could say about post-graduation life. Yet I’m still working on discard any irrational beliefs about myself. I know that I’m not alone to feel this way, so I hope this article would help anyone who feels the same.