Love

By Alexis

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Streaming “Lover” by Taylor Swift while my hands hover above the keyboard trying to define an emotion that all of us felt one day.

If we want to define love scientifically, it’s a bunch of chemicals released in your body. If we want to define it as an emotion, love is this wild, beautiful spectrum of emotions—everything from those deep, soulful connections with others to the pure, simple joys that light up your day. According to social media, however, love is cheesy songs, expensive gifts, Instagram reels with “My Love is Mine all Mine” by Mitski playing in the background, perfect looking couples kissing under the rain, and some high school romance TV shows. 

For me, love was something I could never get. I don’t know why I felt like I wasn’t worthy of that flood of emotions where I’m emotionally attached to that one person who loves me unconditionally. Probably because I was too serious about long-lasting relationships while all the other teenagers just wanted to have fun.

Playing “People Watching” by Conan Gray.  

A part of me knew that one day I’d feel it all, but for now, I’m only “people watching.” For now, all I have are eyes to witness all the lovers surrounding me, and a heart to ache for not being one of them. 

Taking my AirPods off. 

Throughout my journey of finding a potential lover, I found love. Apparently, love is not these badly edited Instagram reels, love is so much more. Love is my mum’s goodbyes from the window each time I leave home. Love is my friend Zi whom I don’t only share my passion for psychology, but also my laughter. Love is late night walks with my sister. It’s my long video calls with my cousins. 

However, love is not always a happy moment. Love also could manifest in our saddest moments. It’s the grief I felt attending my grandmother’s funeral. It’s the tears I cried saying goodbye to my cousins who moved abroad. Finally, love is missing all of my friends who are studying abroad even while texting them.   

Throughout my journey of finding love, I learned that loving oneself is even more important than being loved by a lover. I also learned that “love” is as adjustable as a play-dough, you can either shape it into that platonic emotion you experience daily with your favorite ones or confine it to a partner you long to have.​