Putting yourself first

​By Jazz

I remember feeling like I was going to die the first time I ended something with somebody that I loved. Like, I actually thought the world was going to cave in, like I wasn’t going to wake up the next die or the day after or the day after that. Even though the world went on - the minutes passed and the hours went and the rest of the human population got the hell on with their lives - I could have sworn that mine stood still. It was a complex set of emotions; on one hand, I lost someone I thought I was going to have for the rest of my life. On the other, our relationship had gotten toxic and everything I had done was in pursuit of putting myself first. It felt really strange at first, depriving myself of someone who I loved so deeply all in the name of making sure that I was happier, but it’s important to put these things into a wider context. Yes, I loved them and yes, I wanted things to work but I was getting more misery than joy out of it. 

The best piece of advice I can give in that situation is to remember the misery. Hold onto it. Remind yourself how much you were hurt and how bad those truly crappy moments felt. Let that despair remind you why you left; let it remind you how much you no longer want to feel it. Then, once you remember, you can let go.

What a horrible piece of advice. I know. It feels borderline sociopathic to be recommending someone even do that but in the moments where I felt myself wanting to go back to a horrible relationship, that’s exactly what I would do. I would remember why I left before the situation would repeat itself and do it for me. Because, once you’re out of a situation, it’s natural to only want to remember the good things but I’ll circle back to that later. 

Deciding to put yourself first is a big decision, and not one that’s made lately. Mine came after a year of being stuck in a cycle; we’d get into a horrible place, find our way back to something beautiful for a while and then fall right back into a pit. No mater how hard we tried to break free of that, it never worked. I think, in large part, I was the only one willing to break that cycle and once I realised that, I knew I had to leave. There was about three months between realising that and actually bothering to act on it, but these things are hard. It’s easier said than done and even just saying it sucks. I always held a silent judgement for people that stayed in toxic relationships, thinking just get out, it’s for your own good but now that I was the one trying to do it? It’s safe to say I’ll never, ever judge again - not that I ever should have, but now I have my own experience of it, I especially know it. 

The thing about choosing your own happiness over someone else’s is that you don’t always feel it at first. Sometimes, it’s the loss of familiarity, of losing someone who was a constant in your life. Other times, it’s the newfound freedom that can be so terrifying. Realising that you’re not held back anymore, and that you only have yourself to worry about. It’s both beautiful and scary at the same time, navigating a world without someone you once held so close. It’s lonely and isolating, then all of a sudden it’s not. 

After the bad parts come the good parts. The finding joy again; the getting to know yourself again; the realisation that you’re coming back to who you used to be before you lost yourself to someone else. That’s the part that you don’t always know you’ll find when you first leave, but trust me, it’s there. It’s the good that’s waiting for you on the other side. 

At that point, I found myself looking back at my old relationship and only remembering the good times; not in a way that made me want to go back, but in a way that made me realise it wasn’t time wasted. It had its bad moments - insufferable ones, even - but it had also had bright, happy ones. The ones that had made me stay in the first place.

I don’t regret cutting them off and choosing to put myself first. In fact, it’s probably one of the best decisions that I’ve ever made but it didn’t always feel like that at first. It’s a process - and not an easy one at that - but it is so, so worth it. ​