rocky relationships

By Chloë

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and, I must admit, we’ve had our ups and downs. Usually, we’d resolve these quite quickly but the latest one… well, we didn’t.

COVID-19, along with everything it entailed, paired with the fact that we both started sixth form in September, has made it really difficult for us to communicate properly with each other, let alone spend time together making memories and, well, be in a strong, healthy relationship.

Of course, we both knew from the very beginning that there would be rough patches, and I think we did a pretty good job at keeping our heads high throughout summer, given that we met up around five times in five months. We worked on a project together writing songs for a musical I wrote and I honestly think that, without this, we wouldn’t have lasted.

Then school hit, and everything changed. Again. He has decided to do the IB course which I think is perfect for him, but it does mean that he has absolutely no free time. 

We wouldn’t speak all week and any spare time he had, he spent on Xbox. Now, I’m not blaming him, because I know he needed the down time, but that didn’t mean I didn’t feel like the last option every single day that we spoke. 

I genuinely thought I was doing the best thing when I broke up with him. I really did. But, when I couldn’t concentrate during school and couldn’t stop crying, I realised that I’d made a mistake.

Now, I’m not going into much more detail because it’s not just personal to me, but also to him, but by the end of the week we were back together. We were happy. That is, until the doubt started creeping in.

He took longer to get back to where we were before than I did, because I have a way of processing and getting over things a lot faster than other people, and this made it difficult to understand each other in the first week or so we were back together.

Fortunately, we both put in the necessary effort to have those tough conversations when we really needed them, which allowed us to hang on to each other throughout the rest of the school term.

There was a constant cloud of guilt hazing my vision ever since we got back together, and it’s still there in the back of my mind, if I’m honest. When I broke up with him, he was heartbroken, and it’s fair to say that I am responsible for this. Adding to this, I don’t regret doing it because I was really struggling and he didn’t seem to notice, but, as much as I try to explain why I think it has helped, he doesn’t understand because of how much it hurt him. We are both working together to help me get through this guilt and, once again, whenever I feel any sadness or fear, I immediately tell him so we can sort through and dismiss these emotions as soon as possible.

Things have changed, which, in hindsight, is inevitable, but shocked me all the same. He has only just started to say the small, cute things he used to and sometimes there’s a weird vibe that’s just… off somehow. But, we aren’t letting this get to us (well, I’m trying not to, anyway) and we FaceTime constantly to avoid any further separation than COVID has already caused.

One thing I hadn’t expected was the opinion of others. People really suck sometimes. Friends have told me about conversations they’ve overheard about the breakup and these really, really affect me. I hate people being able to talk about me. It’s something that makes me feel icky and insecure but, luckily, my boyfriend doesn’t feel the same. I’ll tell him about what others have said or done in a state of panic and he’ll reassure me, explaining why it doesn’t matter because we are happy and, ultimately, they don’t know anything about the situation.

I think that the worst thing about the entire situation, for me, at least, is when everyone meets in this field afterschool. My boyfriend and I are different people, and we have different friends. I never really thought anything of this until people I’m not overly close with would come up to me and tell me it was ‘weird’ that I wasn’t standing with him. 

Now, at the time I dismissed this because I really didn’t need to be constantly around him in order to, what, validate our relationship to others? Yet, once again, I overthink (a lot) and now whenever I go out it makes me so uncomfortable and awkward, especially when people interrogate me.

In fact, last week they physically pushed me over towards him and it made me feel sick. 

The final concern I sometimes have is the simple question: Was getting back together the right thing to do? I know that it was, I really do, but part of me is always scared that things will get bad again, that I’ll start feeling like the last option or, even worse, that he’ll stop caring about me all together. In this situation, the only thing to do is just have trust in your S/O because, ultimately, that’s the foundation of any relationship anyway. 

They have the ability to break your heart, you gave them that ability, but, remember, you have it too. Relationships go both ways and, if you want it to work out, both of you MUST put in the effort and MUST listen to and help each other through the thick and thin.

You are each other’s lifelines, so don’t let the rope that’s preventing them from drowning wear thin.