There is No Deadline for Grieving

By Chita

Both of my parents died roughly six years ago. They died 18 days apart in two different cities. I remember crying in front of my father’s coffin for almost two hours, but barely cried when seeing my mum in the coffin. I remember crying a lot in the ICU, though, telling the nurse not to stop performing compression, although they should have stopped 40 minutes earlier. 
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My memories from the following days… I remember feeling like a robot: writing exams because I had to, going to classes because I had to, eating because I had to, but crying myself to sleep because I needed to. Then, I decided to tough it up and keep myself busy with life. Since then, I have never let myself be idle or have nothing to do. Because then I will start thinking about what happened during those 18 days, and then I will start crying or wanting to do something stupid to hurt myself. 

In the beginning, it was difficult. But I managed to keep going with my life. For whatever reason, I have been trying to get out of the country and somehow made it. In September of last year, I moved to the Netherlands. One day in November, I stumbled across information for a seminar called “How to deal with grief.” I attended it and somehow have now become part of the support group for grieving. The support group’s sessions are always moderated by a chaplain who also has a degree in psychology, but most importantly, they have also lost a loved one.  I was the only one who had my loved ones pass away more than five years ago. The others have just faced loss recently, months or up to two years ago. 

During the second meeting, I said, “Wow, I am the only one who has been grieving for six years and never done with it.” Then, the chaplain said something about their being able to move on from grief only 15 years after their loss. And the fact that their family member was only ready to process their grief around 10 years after the loss itself. Hearing this information reminds me of this one time when my ex-boyfriend said, “It has been almost three years since your parents died. You should have moved on already. Why are you still like this? It is like you are not even trying.” 

These two pieces of information somehow made me realise that I have never properly started my grieving process. I have been actively avoiding grieving by keeping myself busy, by telling myself, “It does not matter that my parents passed away: I have a life to live.” 

During the seminar on how to deal with grief, we learned that there is a process to grieving known as the ‘Five stages of grief’, consisting of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, we were told that the grieving process is a unique experience that cannot be fully simplified into those five stages. Most of the time, the grieving process takes a long time and involves jumping around those stages in an unorderly manner, oftentimes like a ‘vicious cycle.’ One can start from depression for years before moving to anger, denial, then back to depression, just going back and forth through the process before they reach acceptance. Some people never reach acceptance until they reach their loved ones in heaven – or so I heard from the seminar.

I suppose that is understandable. Knowing that the death of a loved one is coming does not necessarily lessen the pain of being left by them. In my case, I will most likely always carry the pain of losing both of my parents at such a young age. I do not think I can overcome the pain or the grief. I will most likely just build a life around it, and as it grows bigger, the pain will lessen. 
One of the most important things I have learned is that there is no deadline for grieving. Never compare yourself with others; always remember that grieving is a subjective experience, and each grieving process is unique. Process your grief in your own time, no matter how long it takes for you to be ready to process it. 

Another important thing that I have learned is that grieving together can lead to thriving together. Meeting the chaplain and having the grief support group helped me to realise things that I otherwise would not have been able to realise by myself. Having the support group also made me feel like I was not alone in this process. By listening to others’ stories, I also learned more things I can try or do to help process my grief. So, although grieving is a unique, subjective process, having someone to accompany your grieving process can help a lot. That is another thing I have learned: one should be brave enough to ask for help.