Who am i?

​By Chelsea

Who Am I? According to psychology, Erik Erison stated that mainly when one goes through puberty, identity vs role confusion starts to happen. One questions who they are and why they are that way. The fact is that it has taken me a lot of time and crying to be who I am and be proud. 

I’m gonna be honest with you: When I was younger, I sincerely wondered why I was alive. I know, it sounds terrible to say among other things, but it’s the truth. I somehow did not belong anywhere. I was “too hispanic” sometimes, and “too black” other times. There were times where I was  “not enough of either” or “too much of both.” I am also part of the LGTBQ+, which made me an even bigger target. I was having identity issues every other week. I wanted so badly to fit in, and I was willing to do anything. I even tried to convince myself I was straight, resulting in having queerphobia.

Looking back, it wasn’t worth feeling shameful about; but at the same time it made sense. I saw how horribly others were treated for things they could not control - race, sexuality, even the habits of those associated with them. Humans are not always the most understanding.  I told myself  “I don't like women, only men. I am straight.” Little did I know that I was neither straight or gay. I felt like I was internally suffocating. It was not just the ongoing identity crisis but also family issues. Plus, I consider myself  a pessimist who expects a lot. Oddly that is a juxtaposition to each other and a bit of a paradox. 

Around the time I turned 16, I realized life was getting better. I started to understand who I am. I identify as a female pansexual, my pronouns are she/her/hers and I am content with this. I am about to be a junior in high school and an official lifeguard in the summer. I am okay with being different. I have nobody to please other than myself. I am enough for me and that's the only thing that matters. All I can do is  try my best, and sometimes my best will not be adequate, but that's all I can do. 

Reader, finding your identity is a challenge, but I want you to try.  Examine yourself inside and outside. I may not know you personally, but I can tell you: you are beautiful and you're a person with the world in your hands.  It is ok to be different. It is ok to stand out.  Actually, it’s better to not be the same or conform to social standards sometimes. Identity is not the same among people and it varies to bring the best out of everyone at different times. Being alive means questioning why. Living means figuring things out, no matter how long it may take or how hard it may be to find the answer.

Sometimes life is not the best and makes you want to fall down. Fall down with grace, then get right back up. You are a fighter. Picture life as the best wrestler in the world. Sometimes you will be kicked in the face without a doubt, but ‘the best’ doesn’t mean ‘the strongest.’ We, as humans, hold more strength than life.  

At the end of the day, your opinion of yourself matters more than what others say to contradict that thought. Finding your identity is scary and difficult, but look towards the peace you will feel at the end, to finally have loved and be honest with yourself enough for you to answer the question: Who Are You? 

I hope you learn who you are soon enough, and that it guides you to be the best version of yourself. I know you got this!