Writing to a pen-pal

Writing to a pen-pal is like travelling to another country without leaving the front door. When I was younger, I would open up an envelope in awe and admiration that the stamp and paper had traveled all the way to the United States. Writing is another form of socialization that can keep us connected. Writing doesn't have to be strictly about letters, either. I have tried out text messages, emails, and video chat. And these methods all work out. To some, pen-pals sound like an old-fashioned concept but it isn't because people communicate with strangers from a far away distance all the time. The Internet replaced traditional correspondence. The movement of writing about our day, requiring us to slow down and reflect, is therapeutic. You can compare the habit to journaling, except you're receiving feedback. Writing is also another way to bond with someone you're already friends with or a relative you want to keep in touch with. The activity sparks rays of creativity in ourselves. It can reduce stress and anxiety, increase self-awareness, and allow a space to express our emotions and thoughts. We're frequently on our computers, cell phones, and tablets on an everyday basis. Writing letters is a way that our eyes can take a needed break from our screens; but, as mentioned earlier, letters aren't the only option. 

I enjoyed writing as a kid. I kept journals that I was too much of a  perfectionist about. Entries rarely ever made it out alive because I'd rip the paper up into pieces when I made a handwriting mistake. Letters and emails were appealing. I already sent lots of emails when I was 9 years old and up to classmates just for fun.  Developing a friendship with a pen-pal seemed so easy because you establish from the very beginning that you’ll be friends. In 2013, I found a website called Students of the World where children and young adults publish their ads in search of a pen-pal. I had several over the years and some of them we'd send letters back and forth; but I would mostly communicate with them by email. I learned that you have to go through a couple of pen-pals before you can find one that you click with. 

I feel lucky that the first person I ever wrote letters to is still a close friend of mine to this day. To protect her identity, she will be called V throughout the article. I was 13 years old and V was 11 years old when we met through the website. I live in the United States while she lives in Canada. We started out by emailing each other and after a couple of months, we decided to send letters. We would go on a hiatus every now and then. V became a really good friend, nonetheless, someone who I was comfortable being myself with. We still have those months where we don't hear from each other but, after eight years, we’ve developed the trust that we’ll hear back from each other, regardless. 


Although some people feel that the start of a pen-pal friendship is hard, in some ways it can be easy because you have the free range to talk about almost anything, like favourite books, movies, and music. Awkwardness, however, is normal. You might feel that conversations will flow better if you choose someone you have several interests in common with. Ask questions and react to what they say so the conversation does not turn one-sided. 

Discuss how many times you'd like to write, email, or text. The typical is either once per day, once a week, or once a month. V and I would have no definite time. We would either email each other once every couple of days or once a week. Keep in mind that responses slow down after the first couple of weeks or months. 

Remember to be courteous about how long you take to respond to them back. We all get busy so do not fret if you end up having a hard time replying. Taking your time to reply is preferable over responding right away, in the case with pen-pals. The way you communicate with a pen-pal isn't the way you'd communicate with someone you see on a regular basis. Your responses are supposed to be in a lengthy written or typed format. Otherwise, if you text or email each other quickly back and forth, you're really just chit-chatting. Unless that’s something you two want. 

Because pen-pals are real friends, too, that require time commitment, one is enough but if you'd like one or a couple more, take a look at your current day-to-day schedule and see whether you can fit time for these friendships. As a warning, people can drop out and you may have to re-start the process of finding a pen-pal all over. You can start out with a couple, just in case. At one point, I talked with 4 pen-pals. I couldn't keep up with all of them and, eventually, nearly all of us lost touch.  

As a suggestion on what to talk about, share the details of the small, mundane events that happen to you. You might think they're not interesting but, no one else is in your shoes, so to others, they might be hearing a new perspective or thought that they might find cool. Follow the topics as you would a walking path. You might be led to nearly irrelevant subjects and that is what will make the conversation run smooth. 

Let them know what your thoughts and opinions are about the subject; do not be afraid to disagree. 

V came up with the brilliant suggestion to add "currents" at the end of our emails, when we got older and felt that electronic correspondence was more convenient for us. For example, we would write what our current favorite book, snack, TV show and movie was. 

There is no set structure to follow when writing a letter or an email, as long as it is not a couple of sentences long. You will slowly get to know the person. You do not have to write your whole biography out in your introduction. Everything else that you want your pen-pal to know about you will naturally arise in the conversation.

Figure out who will write first. Ask the other person to take the lead, if you're having a tough time knowing what to say.  

Ultimately, there is no one-size-fits-all to the flow of conversations --- some of them will be deep and profound, and others will be light-hearted and funny. 

When writing a letter, gifts are completely optional. With that being said, for those of you who are interested in wanting to add a little extra touch, here are a couple of ideas of what you can stuff inside envelopes without it costing too much money: tiny souvenirs, a map of your town, coin currency, fun stickers, washi tape, tea, stationary material, candy, jewelry, and plant seeds. You can find further inspiration on Instagram or Pinterest. 

The letter does not have to look aesthetic as you might see on Instagram. Just writing with a pen and paper to send a letter can brighten your friend's day.

Something important to note is safety. Get to know your pen-pal through email or DMs first. When you're first talking with the person and you notice they don't seem to talk much about themselves, take it as a warning signal. Another red flag is if they ask you too many personal questions that make you feel uneasy. Listen to your gut! If you live in the United States, you can rent a P.O. box, a mailbox at a post office if you are not comfortable with giving away your home address but would still like to write to your pen-pal. Also, you have the option of just sharing your first name or a nickname with your pen-pal, instead of them knowing your full name. With emails, use a separate one just for pen-pals. And, although this might already be obvious, do not share your number if you pick up on weird vibes. 


The exceptional quality about pen-pals is that you’re receiving mail, whether physical or electronic, that was specifically made with you in mind. Furthermore, you get to understand a new point of view and peek into another part of the world. Or strengthen connections with people you’re already close with in a unique, personal way. 


Happy Pen-Paling! 

• Heidy