It‘s not like I chose it.
So in today's society people have been talking about body shaming a lot, and that is great. People cheer on plus sized individuals, but they forget to think of the other sizes.
There are always two sides. Good and the bad, the bully and the victim, the big and the small.
You get me?
Ok I‘ll continue.
So I always get reminded of my size, and let me remind you that I‘m not saying that plus size people don‘t get reminded of their size, now I‘m talking about my experience.
I hear things like “wow you‘re so skinny don‘t you eat?„
And: “Are you anorexic?„
Which is a very serious mental disease. I‘ve gotten made fun of for not having any boobs and that I look like a boy. A lot of people think its ok to make fun of my size and when I try to defend myself they say I‘m being offensive even though I just said the same thing. For example:
Person: “You‘re so skinny you look like a toothpick„
Me: “You‘re so fat you look like a cow„(and note that I was just defending myself ).
All of those things have made me feel horrible. I feel Horrible about my body and my mind tells me that I‘ll never be accepted by society cause apperantly being skinny and being ‚nothing but skin and bones‘ is revolting. (I‘m not saying that everyone thinks this). I‘ve been really depressed and could never really look in the mirror without thinking that no one would love me because of it, which I now know that is nonsense. A lot of my friends have been amazing help.
My self esteem has come to that point that I dont believe when someone calls me pretty or that I have a good body because I always think they‘re lying just to make me feel better. It‘s almost impossible for me to gain weight. I cant help that I‘m skinny, believe me I wish I wasn‘t. I‘ve shed countless tears because of this. Some people say I should just get on with life and stop thinking about it and say I‘m just an attention seeker. I wish it were that easy. A lot of times I feel horrible and empty inside, and not just because of this. Sometimes I cant even answer when people ask me why I feel bad. I cant explain something I dont understand myself. Maybe its a bunch of things that make me feel bad. To be honest I have no idea. A lot of times I think about ending it but when I think about how my friends would feel I decide not to. Cause I know that I could hardly bare the thought of losing them. Sometimes I picture the ocean and me floating peacefully gone from this world and not have to worry about a thing. But I always hold on to the thought that things will get better.