Finding Yourself

I often forget what life was like before 9th grade. I never used to study yet managed to ace everything, the only thing I had to worry about was the petty fights with my sister and parents. I didn’t have to worry what my parents would think if I didn’t get good marks, or what my peers would think if I laughed too hard or spoke too loud; I never had the fear that my “friends” were constantly judging me for everything I did. I convinced myself I was not a pushover, but soon I realized that I was being walked over by virtually everyone around me; I witnessed, in hindsight, every moment I was used by someone, every moment people snickered, every moment people outcasted me. It was tough, knowing every person I knew was judging me, it made me mould every expression, every word, every glance into something “appropriate”.

But I realize now that I never had to shape myself to their satisfaction; I do not have to hold back my laugh, change my personality, or not be “too much”. I love myself for who I am, the people who truly matter accept me for who I am and if they don’t, they are missing out on a vibrant person and experience. It was difficult, caring about everyone, making sure I do not appear callous while they make the most hurtful remarks. I told myself and tried to believe: “They’re not the ones living my life, they’re not people who care about me. I love myself, I love my caring, loud, clueless, shy self. I do not care if it is too inconvenient for them to bear with me. As long as I don’t lose my true essence, as long as I don’t lose my compassion, as long as I don’t go against my principles- I am the best self I can be.”

It was hard not to be constantly pleasing people. I often started gaslighting myself, telling myself I’m being rude or that it’s “not a big deal”. But I’m glad I’m working through it. I know one day I will be able to look at myself and tell myself that even though I was so alone for so long, I never lost myself. I know that one day I will have people who love me for my true self, who won’t expect me to change, and won’t leave me behind for their ego or for others.