Love, Abuse and your Subconscious

By Benjamin

Navigating through life is difficult enough, and adding dating to the equation might cause more headaches.

Do you follow a pattern? Do you keep dating the guy who doesn't respect you, the one who's not paying enough attention to your feelings and needs? The one who hurts you? There is a reason for that, if you allow me to explain.

Growing up, the love we know comes from our parents. We see how Dad kisses Mom, how they gently interlock their gaze, or when Dad gets angry and throws a glass on the floor. As a kid, you observe how they interact and assume that that is love. You will associate whatever they do to each other, or to you, with love because, after all, they are your parents, and they love each other and you, right? This pattern is wired into your brain and affects you more than you would think. Research on attachment theory shows how what we see as kids will determine what we perceive as normal, and we pick up our parents' dynamic.

(More on attachment theory and attachment styles:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory)

You are seeing someone, they seem amazing, but at times you question why you give them your valuable time. Do you recall them raising their voice at you, being hurtful, yet you open your arms for them? This is an important moment for you to realize you might be in the same situation you witnessed your parents live through. Being hurt feels so familiar, doesn't it? Dad used to be emotionally unavailable, and you, as a child, interpreted that as love because Dad must love me, right? Your subconscious holds onto an insane amount of information you are unaware of. This might cause you to confuse emotions with one another. Abuse might feel like home and safety. You crave a healthy, functional relationship; however, you simply will not feel good in it since you associate violence with love.

My first relationship was a confusing yet eye-opening experience. It was long distance, so we tried to meet up monthly. However, at times, it didn’t work with COVID having entered the picture. He seemed perfect at first, but as we progressed further, I noticed things I didn’t like. How he didn’t say good morning, or when he forgot to call me, and turned off his phone, knowing it’d upset me. It started with small things, but I always managed to justify the way he was acting. There was a point where I became aware of what he was doing. Whenever I got upset over something he did, I was called manipulative and overdramatic. Sharing my concerns with my sister helped me see how he was a narcissist, only caring about himself. Forgetting my birthday, not reciprocating my energies and love, and always getting defensive when I expressed a negative emotion. After we broke up, it took me a long time to rebuild my trust in others. This example should provide you with some insight into what to look out for. If you are always anxious not to make them lose their temper, you are scared they would yell at you again or even get violent, this is not a place for you. Do not put yourself in such a situation where you might get hurt.

My father, not being emotionally present in my childhood trained my subconscious to seek this behaviour from partners. Him hurting my mother, verbally and physically abusing her, finally did not seem okay. I gained an understanding of my brain’s faultiness when it comes to emotions and behaviours.

We all seek comfort, but you've got to step out of a destructive environment. Abuse is not love; being hurt by your partner is not a sign of affection, even if that’s all you know, and all that feels familiar to you.

There are ways to break this pattern because, let's be honest, you cannot live a fulfilling life while actively being hurt. Gain awareness of the situation and establish the state you are in. The best thing you can do is step out of your comfort zone, get out of the lukewarm water, and jump into a cold one. It will feel alien; however, you need to experience genuine, nurturing love and actively learn how to accept it. Seek help, speak up about your struggles and most importantly, rewire your brain to not let past mistakes repeat. It sounds like one hell of a job you have to do, and it won’t be easy. Many therapists out there deal with this issue if you are thinking you are in too deep.

In case you are in a serious, life-threatening situation, do not hesitate to call 911. Your safety comes first. The best you can do to prevent it all spiralling out of control is to step out of the abusive environment as soon as possible, even if you find it difficult. Do not risk getting hurt again physically or emotionally.

At the end of the day, we all want a best friend, someone to laugh with, share our hardships with, someone to trust and reciprocate our love. There is a way out of abuse, and you deserve the love you are not allowing yourself to experience. It takes practice to identify red flags since we tend to overlook them in the hopes of being cared for. Be vigilant, know your worth, and get to know your needs. Reflect on your past, practice affirmations that you deserve good things in life, and never settle for a life where you are not allowed to be yourself.