Sticks & Stones

By Camille

Dear Younger Me,

I never thought I would be writing this letter, especially since it will be put out on the internet for the world to see. However, after reading many strong people from TWE come forward about their abuse, it has given me the means to do so as well. As you endured this trauma, the word “abuse” has never crossed your mind, at least when you would think about your family. Reflecting on the abuse you went through, and how you were able to brush it off, invokes a feeling of envy within me. Because now, I cannot think about the past without getting emotional about it.

Even though you were naïve and you no longer exist today, writing this letter is my first step to recovering from this trauma. You were unable to recognize the signs because you thought it was normal. You thought every parent would call their children every name under the sun, every parent would whisper filthy things to one another about their child, just to be brought up as soon as they got angry. But that is where you went wrong. You, my dear, were an unfortunate victim of verbal and emotional abuse.

Verbal abuse is abuse that is in the form of words. Your verbal abuser said anything and everything to hurt you. Verbal abuse led to emotional abuse which eventually led to the degradation of your self-esteem. You struggled to fully accept yourself because you were surrounded by people who constantly put you down. There were times where a certain word or phrase would strike an emotional chord within you, but you would swallow that feeling down until you were in your room. You were strong. And I will forever admire you for that.

Your experience with verbal and emotional abuse was one that left emotional scars, as you suffered the abuse from both parents. The two people who were supposed to be your support system let you down. They called you so many names, ranging from fat, to wench, to the b-word, to many more derogatory terms; when did it ever stop? When did our parents realize that they were hurting their child, and pushing them farther away than they could imagine? Abuse can last a lifetime. Even when the words stop, the emotional trauma is still there, and it is up to me now to figure out what to do with it.

My childhood has left many blemishes on my psychological state. I feel as though the person I am today reflects the experiences I have had as a child. As of today, I find myself unable to properly express my emotions. I tend to hold it all in, locked away in the depths of my mind, never to be found. Whenever I find myself crying around others, I feel disgusted. Part of me wants to be hugged and comforted and the other part wants to be left alone. There is no doubt in my mind that what we went through as a child has deeply scarred us.

I sincerely hope that we can reach a point in our lives where we can live healthily–in terms of mental health. Writing this letter to you and acknowledging our pain is the first step to recovery. Your bravery back then has led me to share my story with other people in hopes that they find the strength to fight back. I am sorry that your childhood was not what you expected. But I promise to fight for a better adulthood.

I want to extend a special thanks and appreciation to everyone who has read this article! This is one of my more personal works, and I am anxious and excited to see everyone’s thoughts! If you or a loved one is suffering/suffered from any sort of abuse, please look at the links provided below for more help. (These websites do not sponsor TWE)

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Dana Foundation – While this article does not provide advice for abuse, it explains what happens to a child’s brain after experiencing the abuse.

North Point Recovery – This wonderful article provides ways one can overcome emotional abuse.

Very Well Mind – This article provides useful information on verbal abuse, ranging from what it is, different types, signs, and effects.