My BPD May Have Ruined My Relationship

Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness that involves a long-term pattern of unstable relationships, distorted sense of self and extreme emotional reactions. This illness is known as one of the worst mental illnesses to face, and is very difficult to treat. Given the instability of both the sufferer and their relationships, it is no doubt that there will be some bumps in the road when it comes to forming them. For myself, I recently got into a relationship with a guy off of a dating app. He is absolutely incredible, and he makes me feel a way I have never experienced. Our love is euphoric. 

The mind and actions of those with BPD are different than average. What we feel is logical, is not logical to someone who does not suffer from the illness. Unfortunately, something I did really hurt my partner. Even though in my mind, it was non-harmful and would only be beneficial for the relationship since I am a very needy partner and do not want to bother him with my insecurity, it damaged the entire relationship. I did not realize this until he caught me red-handed, and I saw the look in his eyes. It was almost as if the poor guy’s heart was stomped on by me. 

Before I continue further, I should probably say what I did to cause so much damage. As a BPD sufferer, I deal with chronic feelings of worthlessness, and combined with my trust issues and experience in abusive relationships prior to this one, it made for the outcome that harmed us. I needed reassurance, and I did not want to ask him since I did not want to appear needy, so I posed as one of my best friends on social media, and tested him. I took on a whole new persona. The fact that I was capable of even doing that makes me question myself as a human being.

When he began to break down after catching me in the act, I lost myself. I realized how badly I screwed up, and felt so stupid for thinking that looking needy was worse than this, but remember, the BPD mind makes little-to-no sense,. My entire life, I was taught to avoid expressing emotion, so why not express my worries through a persona? Why not receive the reassurance through a mask?

Next thing I knew, I was in an involuntary hold, or forced hospitalization, in the psychiatric ward of my local hospital with him in the car. I was broken. I hurt the person who believes in me most, who loves me and who made me feel like the only girl out there. Mind you, there was a lot of lead-up for me to end up in forced hospitalization, but hurting my partner is what tipped over the boat.

So, how do you bounce back from this? How do you fix the relationship? The reality is, the trust is broken, and when trust is broken, it makes things extremely difficult. This doesn’t mean that things can’t be repaired, but it does mean that it will take a lot of effort and communication on both you and your partner’s ends. Here are some good starter points:

• Consider the reason behind the betrayal. BPD or not, betrayal happens sometimes. Figure out why you did it.
  
• Communicate, Communicate, COMMUNICATE! As painful as it is, a huge part of saving the relationship is discussing the betrayal and talking it through with your partner. Remember to reflect on three things: 
  
  • How you feel about the situation
    
  • What you are willing to do to help the relationship
    
  • What you can do instead of this in the future
    
• Say sorry sincerely. I can’t express how important it is to acknowledge your mistake. Simply showing your partner that you know you are in the wrong can make all the difference. Be as specific as possible.
  
  • Ex: “I’m sorry that I hurt you. I know me taking on a totally different persona was an absolutely terrible, yet mind-boggling thing to do to you. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling.”
    
  • Make sure to follow up by telling them how you intend to avoid making the same mistake again. If you aren’t sure what they need from you to work on the relationship, you can ask. Just make sure you’re ready and willing to actively listen to their answer. 
    
• Give your partner time. As hard as this is, you need to let your partner have time to process what you put them through. After apologizing to them, inform them that you are ready to discuss matters whenever you are, and offer them any support they may need.
  
• Commit to CLEAR communication. Given everything that just happened, you will want to transparently answer any questions or concerns they have, and commit to continuing to do so in the future. Explore any deeper issues, as well. 
  

This leads into one question: Is it worth it? Rebuilding a relationship’s trust is not an easy task. If your partner makes a mistake or two over the course of a long relationship and owns up to it, working on trust issues may be the right move. As long as there’s still love and commitment between the two of you, working on trust issues will only make your relationship stronger. So, in short, yes. If you two are set on each other, it is worth it.

Remember, you are not alone, either. Couples counselling is a great resource when dealing with trust issues. It can offer you both an unbiased opinion, and help you take the right steps to revive your trust.

“Trust can be rebuilt. It just takes time, communication and pure honesty.”

• Ali ​