How to Be Out and Proud about Being Outed

Sexuality is a sensitive subject. Some people dread coming out for fear of rejection, bullying or generally not being accepted by their peers. Most people are able to come out in their own time, at their own pace, when they are ready. But what about those people who aren't? What about the people who are forced to come out, via blackmail, or the people whose sexuality is revealed by somebody else? 

Unfortunately, being ‘outed’ is a real thing, even now. The Urban Dictionary definition of being outed is ‘to reveal some previously secret part of someone's life, originally from someone coming "out of the closet" as gay.’ When you are outed, it is generally not by choice - the term being outed means that someone else who isn’t you has disclosed this information, usually without your permission. It is horrible and awkward and uncomfortable and you can feel completely unvalidated and betrayed. 

I am lucky enough to have never been outed by someone. The people around me know that I will tell people my truth when I am ready and have not taken that decision to tell or not tell someone into their own hands. I guess you could say I have inadvertently outed myself though. Let me explain. 
When I was 15, I was only just coming to terms with my bisexuality after having been in the closet, trying to ‘pray the gay away’ for the past 3/4 years. I was nowhere near ready to tell anyone yet, I hadn’t even properly admitted it to myself. So after a trip to Berlin with school, I came home and Mum asked how it was. I was so engrossed in telling her about my experience that I concluded my story with the sentence ‘the girls were gorgeous, and the boys weren’t much worse’ to which my mum said ‘is that your way of telling me you’re gay?’ I hadn’t meant to tell her that way, it just came out (no pun intended.) I felt horrified and ended up sobbing. 

So although I don’t know how it feels to be outed by somebody else, I know how it feels to accidentally out yourself when you aren’t ready and I know things which come after that from the people around you. The questions. The negativity. The shame. I get it. Here are some tips to deal with all these things that come afterwards and be proud of who you are as well as dealing with the person who outed you.

• Don’t deny it.

If, after you’ve been outed, someone directly asks you if you’re gay or if it’s true, don’t deny it. I know it can be tempting to try and dispel it as a rumour but you shouldn’t be ashamed of your truth. Chances are, even if you did choose to deny it and say no, people still wouldn’t believe you. I’ve tried it. I’ve denied it and even then, people still thought I was gay so I would have been just as well off telling them the truth.

• Talk about your feelings

Everyone thinks that if someone asks how they are or if they’re okay, they just have to say they’re fine. You don’t. If a friend asks if you’re okay, tell them how you’re truly feeling about the whole situation. More importantly, make sure to tell the person who outed you - the ‘outer’ so to speak - how you feel about what they’ve done. It’s not nice, it’s not fun, it’s not a good feeling and they need to know that so that they know not to do it again.

• Don’t beat yourself up

If you yourself are both the outer and the outee, don’t be too hard on yourself for spilling your secret accidentally. It was a mistake, it’s happened and there’s nothing you can do about it. I was horrified and upset with myself for telling my mum when I didn’t mean to but it was also a relief. I didn’t have to hide anymore. Staying angry and holding a grudge against yourself isn’t going to change anything so accept it and move on to living your truth. You could also try forgiving the outer if that isn’t you - the same sentiment applies.

Now go! Go live your truth! Scream it from the mountain tops - not literally, maybe just say it out in the street. 
It’s okay to be who you are.
I love you and I am proud of you.

​- Kenzie

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