Emotionally unavailable

It’s frustrating to have a resting face that exudes disinterest and sadness when I am with other people. It feels like a pressure to consistently imitate the emotions that best fit the circumstances that you are in, whether that is spending time with friends or meeting new individuals. This confronts the question surrounding why I cannot freely express my emotions; I have complete awareness that I can express myself, but why am I not capable of freely showing my expressions in a social setting?

It may be easy to get lost within our thoughts when asking ourselves ‘Why am I like this?’ or ‘How can I do better?’ while forming insecurities on how uncommunicative we are. However, you should try to understand that being emotionally reserved is normal. At the basis of it all, the development of our emotions and how we express it are formed by our social settings. Many people are brought up in cultures that do not show intimacy and nurture through expressions of idealized love; and others may be fostered in an environment that does not frequently show intimacy, such as hugging or professions of love, and thus are potentially more emotionally reserved

Furthermore, being closed off may be a defense mechanism to gauge the emotions of other individuals in a social setting. We may have anxiety on how while having a one-sided dialogue in our mind on whether we should open up to a new person in order to be their friend. There is also a lingering fear of rejection, where we try to avoid the circumstances of being abandoned due to finally opening up ourselves and our personality. 

Throughout my life, I have personally been antagonized for not being able to easily show my emotions. I had a family friend who did not want me to attend a New Year’s event, as they believed that my dull resting face and ‘sad aura’ would bring them bad luck throughout the year. Although I was being picked on due to my closed off demeanor, I knew that I was capable of organically showing emotions. I cried while watching ‘A Walk to Remember’ and I ended up in heaps of laughter when spending time with my closest friends. I do, in fact, have the ability to show empathy.

People who appear to be emotionally reserved are not being standoff-ish and judgemental, but simply trying to express themselves in an organic manner. I have found numerous tips on how to accept myself, that I believe may be useful for you.

• Find a medium that you feel that you can freely express your emotions. For me, this is shown through my writing and art creations, where it is an abstract form of my voice that I can comfortably show. However, you can do anything that you feel best suits you! Whether it is playing a sport or listening to music, the options are endless.

 

• Find friends and family members that you can rely on to be vulnerable. It may be difficult to do so, but it is relieving to have a go-to person to fully show my emotions and know that they are not judgemental for who I am. They may be the person to reassure you on your emotions and boost your self-esteem when you feel insecure.

 

• Talk to yourself! This may sound weird, but I occasionally talk to myself when I am reading a book or watching a movie. It is a form of self-expression that shows my emotions in a comfortable setting. By doing so, it may be easier to be more engaged in a social atmosphere, and organically show your emotions.

 

• Don’t force yourself to be emotionally available. At times, we may simply not be feeling the way people expect of us. While it is frustrating, it is okay to realize that this is a normal human conflict. If needed, briefly communicate to others that you may not be feeling the best. You are not a burden, and it is important to know that.

I hope that this helps you to feel accepted, as this realization has also helped me process my emotions better. By living with the awareness that we are in-tune with ourselves, it helps us organically show our feelings. By living comfortably, we are showing the best versions of ourselves and it is a gift to show it to others.

• Lana