Quitting Before EVen Starting

 My mental health has been up and down the past few months, I will sometimes be smiling like the Cheshire cat then the next I’ll be down like Snoopy. 

I haven’t had a job since I started to have seizures back in 2018 so nearly a year has passed now. I have been scared to leave the house, I couldn’t travel anywhere alone because my anxiety would hit the roof.

I’ve been applying for jobs left, right and centre. I’ve had a few job interviews over the past few months but I’ve pulled out at the last second because I’m so scared to start a new job.

The few months that have passed have been putting thoughts into my head that I was ready to start a new career, absolutely not thinking about my own health. I was wanting to make this happen as I thought it would get me out more and build up my confidence. 

I’ve pulled out of so many job oppintuines and I look back at that and think I’m disgusted in myself, so many other people could of had that interview and a chance of a fresh career path.

The most recent situation I pulled out was when I got a text from my friend who I met back in my old workplace about five years ago. This was my first ever job after high school in Tenpin Bowling, I loved it there. But my reason for leaving last time was my mental health has taken a bad turn.

So, after receiving a text from my friend saying that there were jobs going, I thought I’d apply and then after going into Tenpin for a catchup before I knew it, I got the job! At the time, yes I was so happy and proud of myself! But that suddenly changed after a few days past. 

My depression decided to take over my positive thoughts and turn them into negative ones. These thoughts were saying, “If I start the job I’ll be having seizures in the workplace and causing trouble for everyone else”. Stuff like that was happening and it drove me down, down, down.

That’s when I thought I’d text my manager ( to be ) that I had to put my mental health first and I just wasn’t ready to start work. She totally understood and she said it wasn’t a problem.
In my head I was thinking oh she’s going to be so angry with me, but it turned out to be the opposite. 

Putting your mental health first and focusing on recovering is the best thing you can do. You shouldn’t force yourself into work and college when your health isn’t 100%. You need to put yourself first, do it when you feel the time is best!

• Mel