It’s U - Anxiety and My relationship

“I guess it's just another one of those nights
When I'll spend way too much time
On something so small that no one really cares about at all
I guess it's just another one of those thoughts
And I can't really find a cause
Whether it's all just in my mind or something more here in my life”

Do you ever just lie on your bed and look at the ceiling mindlessly while worrying about the smallest thing that no one cares about or no one will ever notice? Do you feel fearful about upcoming social situations where you feel as though you will be humiliated, judged, or criticized? 
I have felt like this for a long time. I excessively worry about small things and get irritated fast. Even brushing my teeth feels like a chore. Some days, I feel trapped; like as if the world is shrinking down to my intrusive thoughts, insecurity and self-doubt. It constantly feels like there is a cloud above my head that rains with negative thoughts. My head keeps exploding with voices, thoughts, and multiple emotions.  
There is a lot I go through with anxiety. Journaling, deep breathing, guided imagery, and CBT have helped me. Music has always been a great escape for me. 

“It's u, it's u
Oh god, it's u
It's u
If you're awake then I am too
If you're lost then I'll find you
If you're hurt then I'll fix you
If you go blind I'll describe the view
If you can't feel then I'll hold you
If you fall know I've got you”

I met him at TWE and ever since I met him; he has held a very special place in me. 
I have always left like I don’t deserve to be loved. I have been insecure about myself many times. I keep wandering back to everything I am not. Through all my hard times, times where I wasn’t a good friend to myself; he stayed. He is worth giving things up for. If we ever have to go back, I would choose him over and over again. Every time things get tough, I go back to all the words and poems he has written; they make me feel adored, loved and special. 
This relationship may not be forever but I will cherish every moment of this relationship. This relationship and he has taught me so much. Sometimes you just need to say f!ck it. Your insecurities, doubts and worries shouldn’t overpower you or deprive you of happiness. The world goes beyond your intrusive thoughts and worries. You need to keep breathing even when your lungs run out of air. It isn’t narcissistic to love yourself, and you need to keep yourself above everything else. 

“Your silhouette doesn't look quite right
And I can never find the time
To bury my hands in words
I'd grow a new kind of evergreen tree, just for you and me
On second thoughts, will you even remember me?”

Sometimes, I cannot control my thoughts. My voices keep me up at night. I am always stuck in my thoughts and voices. I constantly have insecure thoughts; does he love me? Do I even deserve him? What if we end up hurting each other? What if he gets tired or what if he sees me the way I see myself? 
Through all these thoughts and therapy sessions, I have learned that communication is key. I expressed what I was going through, only to find out he has the same thoughts. It is important to truly connect with your partner and remind yourself of all the moments you have had together. I love going back to the poems and texts we have exchanged with each other. Your insecurities start in your head. Don’t over analyse and control these thoughts before they reflect in your actions. 
My therapist taught me a strategy and I call it ‘a war with my thoughts which I will win’. All you need to do is ask yourself a few questions when these thoughts misbehave. Some questions you can try asking are:

1. What is the evidence that these thoughts are true?
2.  Why am I having such thoughts? Something that happened? Over-thinking?
3. How can these thoughts stop?
4. How can I or anyone else help me through them?

I hope this strategy helps you as much as it has helped me!

“If you fall down too far and I can't see you through these marks
And your eyes are covered in scars, and my head's filling with tar
Don't worry we'll find another way out”

While my anxiety completely consumes me and ties me down, he has his own share of things he is dealing with. We try to be there for each other and give advice without breaking the boundaries we have. Remember to set boundaries and be there for each other! 
And, if you are the person I am writing this about, this paragraph is for you. I love you. I have learned so much from you. You remind me of my self-worth and how beautiful it is to love and be loved. I have such beautiful memories with you. Heck, I don’t know how I got this lucky. It is amazing to have you in my life as something no one else will ever have. I keep going back to the poem I wrote you and I mean every word I wrote. It’s scary how you have seen me at my worst, seen me hurt and you still stayed, so yet again, promise me you will stay. 
Sometimes little things in life are more than enough. Being loved and loving someone feels so magical. Be there for yourself and for them. 
You are loved. <3 - Zephyr

Resources: 
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/what-anxiety-looks-like#Closing-reflection 
https://www.tonyrobbins.com/ultimate-relationship-guide/insecure-in-a-relationship/ 
https://au.reachout.com/articles/domestic-violence-support 
https://lifesupportscounselling.com.au/blog/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/ 

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