Never expected myself to be standing here in the shoes my mother wore when I was a child,
Tried to tell myself “He’s a good guy, this is just mild.”
With every punch, kick and strangle,
Even when you’d get me to the point where I’d dangle,
I always made sure others saw you from a different angle,
Because this wasn’t you.
I wouldn’t fall in love with a guy who hits a girl,
It’s the type of stuff I grew up with, and made my stomach whirl.
The reality was, I was in love with an abuser,
An accuser. A boy who hurt me,
And when I fought him back, burnt me.
I was only 14, but already I was attracted to what all I knew.
Leaving you was long overdue,
Any time I tried to escape your hold, you made me vow
To never try again.
You stripped me of 365 days
Sent them to ablaze.
I would do anything just to get them back
And to rid myself of the flashbacks.
Now I find myself in therapy,
Trying to mend what you did to me.
You’ll never be forgotten,
And I’ll never be forgiven.
Because the most self-destructive thing I ever did
Was stay with you, even when you were worth the rid.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness that involves a long-term pattern of unstable relationships, distorted sense of self and extreme emotional reactions. This illness is known as one of the worst mental illnesses to face, and is very difficult to treat. Given the instability of both the sufferer and their relationships, it is no doubt that there will be some bumps in the road when it comes to forming them. For myself, I recently got into a relationship with a guy off of a dating app. He is absolutely incredible, and he makes me feel a way I have never experienced. Our love is euphoric.
The mind and actions of those with BPD are different than average. What we feel is logical, is not logical to someone who does not suffer from the illness. Unfortunately, something I did really hurt my partner. Even though in my mind, it was non-harmful and would only be beneficial for the relationship since I am a very needy partner and do not want to bother him with my insecurity, it damaged the entire relationship. I did not realize this until he caught me red-handed, and I saw the look in his eyes. It was almost as if the poor guy’s heart was stomped on by me.
Before I continue further, I should probably say what I did to cause so much damage. As a BPD sufferer, I deal with chronic feelings of worthlessness, and combined with my trust issues and experience in abusive relationships prior to this one, it made for the outcome that harmed us. I needed reassurance, and I did not want to ask him since I did not want to appear needy, so I posed as one of my best friends on social media, and tested him. I took on a whole new persona. The fact that I was capable of even doing that makes me question myself as a human being.
When he began to break down after catching me in the act, I lost myself. I realized how badly I screwed up, and felt so stupid for thinking that looking needy was worse than this, but remember, the BPD mind makes little-to-no sense,. My entire life, I was taught to avoid expressing emotion, so why not express my worries through a persona? Why not receive the reassurance through a mask?
Next thing I knew, I was in an involuntary hold, or forced hospitalization, in the psychiatric ward of my local hospital with him in the car. I was broken. I hurt the person who believes in me most, who loves me and who made me feel like the only girl out there. Mind you, there was a lot of lead-up for me to end up in forced hospitalization, but hurting my partner is what tipped over the boat.
So, how do you bounce back from this? How do you fix the relationship? The reality is, the trust is broken, and when trust is broken, it makes things extremely difficult. This doesn’t mean that things can’t be repaired, but it does mean that it will take a lot of effort and communication on both you and your partner’s ends. Here are some good starter points:
This leads into one question: Is it worth it? Rebuilding a relationship’s trust is not an easy task. If your partner makes a mistake or two over the course of a long relationship and owns up to it, working on trust issues may be the right move. As long as there’s still love and commitment between the two of you, working on trust issues will only make your relationship stronger. So, in short, yes. If you two are set on each other, it is worth it.
Remember, you are not alone, either. Couples counselling is a great resource when dealing with trust issues. It can offer you both an unbiased opinion, and help you take the right steps to revive your trust.
“Trust can be rebuilt. It just takes time, communication and pure honesty.”
It is that time of year. The trees are going up, the streets are lit up with bright lights and everyone is out buying gifts for one-another. Typically, the holidays mean getting together with family, celebrating whatever holiday is engraved as tradition. It can mean sitting around the Christmas tree with family while watching ‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas’, or celebrating the days of Hanukkah. Regardless, the holidays may be considered “the most wonderful time of the year” for some, but for others, not so much. They are a hard time for many people, maybe even for you. If you’re struggling this holiday season, this is your reminder that you are not alone. Not only do millions of people worldwide suffer from holiday depression, but now with COVID-19 and the global pandemic, thousands of people are dreading the season.
With the holidays comes a great amount of stress, which within itself can trigger someone’s depression and/or anxiety. I don’t know about you, but I feel this intense amount of pressure to feel merry and cheery this time of year, and for me, that is because I struggle with a depressive disorder, and being happy is often not possible for me. For others, however, it could be a challenge because of financial stability, loneliness, grief, family conflict, or even just the stress of trying to please everyone. I know personally that I am a people pleaser. With my first paycheque, I spent over $500.00 on my family’s gifts. I only work part time and am saving to go to school for a PhD in biomedical engineering; money is something I need to be wise with, but I just want to make my family feel good.
Luckily, for all stress-inducers, there are steps you can take to prevent and/or reduce them, even for ones like these. If financial stability is a stressor for you, a great thing to do would be to divide up your shopping into small trips and set a budget for each person you are shopping for. A great budget to set would be between $10-40. You could make something that comes from the heart, like a written letter. I know my mother is a sucker for homemade gifts, and remember: Materialism is not everything.
On the other hand, if loneliness, grief or family conflict are impacting you negatively, there are amazing online resources that are available. I will put them at the end of the article. Remember that you are NOT alone. We, as Teenagers with Experience, are always here to guide you, provide you with resources, and/or be a friend. The suicide rates for the holiday season are significantly higher than the rest of the year, and because of that, we are encouraging you to reach out. If not to your family and/or friends, if not to a resource, then at least to us.
We are a family, and life is precious.