being the heartbreakee
Break ups. They are some of the worst experiences that we have to get through. Sometimes, we’re not even sure if we’re actually going to get through them. It feels as though we’re going to hurt forever. And you’re right, it will hurt. But not constantly.
Being the person who is being broken up with is difficult, especially if the split comes out of nowhere. People can often be left questioning what they did wrong, if anything, to make someone fall out of love with them. And you wonder how long your ex partner has been planning the break up for. It could have been an impulsive decision, or it could have been something they were thinking about for months. It’s the not knowing that drives you mad.
People can break up with you for many reasons. Sometimes it’s to do with us, sometimes it’s to do with them. Whatever the reason, it hurts. It’s a different hurt compared to that of a betrayal of a friend, or the death of a loved one. It’s a hurt that is all consuming because of its unpredictability. One minute you’re in a happy relationship, thinking about how you’ve never felt like this with anyone else before. The next you’re coughing your lungs up in the middle of your bedroom floor wondering how your heart can still function when it’s shattered into small, red pieces right in front of you. And, in the moment, you don’t care for a reason. You just want it not to hurt, just for a second. You just want to feel numb.
Whatever the reason is for a breakup, it should never make you question your worth. A lot of the time, relationships don’t last because the person has decided that something else can make them happier. This isn’t to say that everyone is going to do this to you. Not everyone will discard you eventually. Not everyone will get bored and chuck you away like a child discarding a toy. You will make someone so happy one day. There is someone out there who is waiting for a person exactly like you. It never seems like it in the moment, but one day you will meet someone, and it will be different. You will find yourself in another person.
Nobody can really tell you exactly how to deal with a breakup. Much like a death, we all cope very differently, so you just have to do what you have to do. But there are a few things you can do to soften the blow for you:
Firstly, do NOT decrease your level of self care. Don’t sit in your bed for days not eating and not sleeping. Cry by all means. Cry until you feel you can breathe again. But do not wrap yourself in that duvet and continue to stay there overthinking every single thing you did to make them unlove you. It won’t get them back. Get up, pop the kettle on, grab your favourite blanket, lay on the sofa and watch your favourite film. Watch it five times if you want to. Run a bath with loads of candles around you, and lots of bubbles in it. Relax. Close your eyes and pay attention to how the water feels, not your heart. Keep soldiering through every day. Keep breathing. It is enough.
Secondly, decrease your social media usage. Being on their Facebook page, stalking every person on their friends list won’t solve anything. If you have to, unfollow them on the social medias you have them on. They will move on. They will post pictures of them with their new partner. It will feel as though someone has smacked a knife straight through the middle of you. It won’t feel like that forever. Sign out of Facebook and spend time with those who matter. Try and aid the moving on process by not dwelling on who they’re spending their time with.
Thirdly, don’t be scared if you feel as though you aren’t getting better. Getting over something as big as a breakup can take a long time, and there will be days where you wish you didn’t have to go through this pain. And then, there will be days where you’re glad you did, because it has made you into who you are. Things do get better, often enough when we aren’t focusing on it. Distract yourself with work, school, anything that isn’t to do with them. One day, you’ll be sitting in your car and it will dawn on you that you are okay, and that you made it.
Lastly, love yourself. Love yourself in a way that they couldn’t. Love yourself in a way that no-one else can. Self love is the most powerful thing in the whole world. The day you decide to take that first step is the day you will find freedom. Be your first and last love. And don’t let anyone break you the way they did again.
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The articles here are written by guest writers or previous TWE members.