coming out

Hi my name is Morgan, friends call me Mo, and I am a lesbian.

Wow that was harder than expected. It's a struggle, isn't it, not just coming to terms with your sexuality but also saying it out loud or even typing it out. Not many people understand that, they don't understand how hard it is to just say that you are gay or lesbian or bi or trans or anything to yourself, because they think that because it's you and you're on your own at the time it's fine, but sometimes it's not. For me one of the hardest things about coming out, was coming out to myself. I personally wasn't as worried about coming out to my mum or dad because I knew deep down that they would be fine with it and accepted it. But because I had dreamed up this hypothetical future for myself, with a house, a husband and children. So it was difficult to give that up and accept that it wasn't going to happen that way. I had to replace my fantasies, which really if I think back on it now didn't feel all that natural or right, with a wife, an adopted or surrogate child and a house. Or more likely at the time, a civil partnership, a child and a house. I've found that only when you're completely comfortable and sure with your sexuality, that's when you tell the people you trust around you. It can be scary, very scary in fact, I don't think that fear is ever going to go away either because no matter how much you know your parents and know how they think and feel about homosexual people, there will always be that nagging little voice that is fueled with anxiety that gives you those dreaded "what if?" questions.

For me those questions whirled through my head at a 100 mile per hour before I just blurted it out and held my breath waiting for an answer from my parents. Luckily for me they were completely happy with my life choice and now keep pointing out nice looking girls asking if they're my type. No, I don't think they're normal either. The point is, even with all my anxiety riddled questions in my head I still told my parents and it made me feel 100 times better about myself and the whole thing.

It was a bit longer before I told my friends about my sexuality, until I actually had a girlfriend in fact, I was texting her and I obviously had this love struck look on my face because my friends where joking about and having a laugh asking who it was Iwas texting, I casually told them it was my girlfriend. It took a few minutes for what I had said to sink in, but when it did they didn't even care that I was gay, they were more offended that it took me a month to tell them I had a girlfriend. That's why I love my friends, they stuck by me and didn't question it once, they're still the same as they were before and they still acted their insane overprotective selves when that girlfriend broke up with me a couple of months later. You just have to go with your instinct and know in your heart that the people you love will support you, and if they don't then they obviously didn't deserve your love anyway. Even if my friends are very are supportive and accepting of me, sometimes I still get doubts about their understanding of my gay self, which is okay and perfectly normal, for example even now I still get a lot of anxiety when making new friends about telling them that I am gay. I get this anxiety because I have always had this lingering fear of rejection, whether it's at the back of my mind or right at the front it is always there. I have come to accept that this will never go away and I have to get on with life and try with all my might to not let it get to me.


   Anyway, when me and my close friends make new friends or meet new people they always tend to blurt out something that gives away my sexuality, and if this happens before I'm ready to tell them or other people or if I just wanted to tell them myself, this can cause a lot of anxiety for me and has led to a few awkward nights out that have ended in me going home early and eating my body weight in junk food and cursing myself for being so awkward. Don't get me wrong, this has never had anything to do with with the people we meet, and luckily so far when this happens never have I encountered any homophobic reactions, but that doesn't mean that the fear that it will isn't there.

I have found that the way to deal with this is to take deep breaths, for 3 seconds in through your nose and for 3 seconds out through your mouth, and smile, smiling goes a long way, if you are smiling other people will smile and psychologically that will make you feel more comfortable and relaxed, I'm no expert so don't hold me to that. Also if you change the subject to something else that you are all passionate about it will take the attention off you, that will help take your mind of the situation and hopefully help you enjoy the night more. But if this is really bothering you and causing you to feel uncomfortable then the very best thing to do is talk to your close friends about it, I know I know that's what everyone says, I also know that this is easier said than done, but you have to know that your friends love you very much and don't want you to be uncomfortable or upset, they will not be angry or dissapointed if you talk to them and tell them what you are feeling. If you feel they don't understand then make them understand, explain it to them. Believe me if you talk to them and just tell them what you are feeling they'll stop and apologise, almost immediately. Now my little rainbow child when you go out into the world with all your pride you may encounter a few haters. Unfortunately they're everywhere and yes, I too wish they could get over it, stop bothering us and get with the times. But some people still take it as a personal offence to just look at us. I find these are the best ways to deal with these types of people; ignore them, laugh it off and make everything they say into a joke, smile and wish them a nice day, or sarcasm, not only are these very funny, I have found that it means that these stupid comments will not ruin your day. Also it seems to really hack off the buffoon who is making these comments, which lets face it, is just an added bonus! So there you go you fabulously gorgeous human of the world! A little bit of what I like to think of as wisdom passed down from someone who has been through coming out and the delights that comes with that to you, ya beauty. Now remember if you love yourself nothing else matters, always be yourself and I promise you will find someone that loves you for it. If at points in your life you don't feel like that is true, know that you always have me and the lovely world that is the internet to cheer you up, make you feel loved because by Merlin you are, and bring a smile to that beautiful face of yours! Good luck out their lovely and live long and prosper.

With all my love and support, Mo (your friend and honorary big sister if you like) xxx <3