Existential Crisis

TRIGGER WARNING
 {nihilism*, fear of death, mentioning of the inevitability of dying and unconsciousness}
​ 
  First I want to say that I am not absolutely certain if the right term for what I'm going to write is "existential crisis" but it could be relatable and useful for some of you. The advice I'm going to give work for other types of problems.

  So since I was a little kid, I've feared dying. As weird as this may sound, I remember walking around the house with my hand tucked under my t-shirt, checking my pulse - I was terrified that my heartbeat could stop at any moment. I used to mull about how one day the Universe is going to collapse and disappear, making everything trivial and unimportant. Why should I live if I'm going to die and then not remember anything? Then my heart used to start beating furiously, I couldn't calm myself down, and now as I look back on this, I think I may have had panic attacks. 

Nevertheless, this didn't stop, it started getting worse. It continued worrying me, terrorizing my mind, yet I didn't tell anyone. The only person I've told until this day is my boyfriend. I was trying so hard to fight the urge to just lay down and be sad and cry. However, everything used to be kind of bearable - I was clinging on the hope that there is some sort of afterlife, a meaning behind all of this. Until one day in August this summer, a panic attack hit me again. But it was different, for some reason. It was so much worse, I was frightened by how far my mind has went this time. I thought I've scarred myself permanently, that I'm never going to find even a smidge of purpose again. It lasted for months. I laughed; I smiled; I still did find jokes and memes funny; but behind all of this, at the back of my mind, all I could hear was a tiny voice constantly whispering me "Thisisnotgonnalast, everythingistemporary, consciousnessisabiologicalprocess, and you’regonnadiesomeday". 
It's been 4 months since then, and they've been the worst in my life so far. But slowly, it started fading away. Although not on its own, it got better. I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy. But here are some things that may help:
 
☆ Isolate the bad thoughts.
At some point I learned to stop those thoughts. The best description of what I did would be that I learned to create my own magical Patronus. In case you haven't read or watched Harry Potter, here's a definition:
  "An ancient charm conjures a magical guardian, a projection of all your most positive feelings. The Patronus Charm is difficult, and many witches and wizards are unable to produce a full, corporeal Patronus. To successfully cast the spell, one must muster the happiest memory they can think of (the happier the memory, the better the charm will work) and begin drawing circles with their wand so as to increase the power of their spell."
  It's the same with the bad thoughts, the Dementors in your mind. The issue is not your thoughts - it's your attachment to the thoughts. Find things that make you feel safe - memories, songs, lyrics, people, scenes from the imaginary lives you create in your head (admit it, everyone has such). Call this set of happy aspects "Home". Don't just dodge this and think "I don't have happy memories/this is totally not going to work", as this is the first step to comforting yourself - trying to. You'll be surprised how much of a change this will bring. Turn it into a habit, and every time you feel like the dark thoughts are taking over your mind, come back to Home.
 
☆ Talk with somebody.
It's very important whom you choose to talk to - as I mentioned earlier, I've only told my boyfriend. When you describe things, you'll find yourself searching for the right words, and sometimes even putting your anxieties and inner problems into words helps by itself, giving you a chance to sort out your thoughts. Opening up to someone also helps you decrease your stress level (unless it's a person you're not fully comfortable with. In this case I suggest not sharing everything with them).
 
☆ be patient. 
I know that it's a cliché, but don't expect things to get immediately better. You'll have up and downs, 

☆ Find distractions.
Isolating your thoughts /step 1/ is going to be very hard to do sometimes, as it takes great effort. You'll need a backup in case you get tired and give in. The things that have helped me the most are YouTube (especially Dan and Phil), fanfiction/any other type of literature (not very suitable while having a mental breakdown because you'll need concentration) and naps. I strongly suggest watching YouTube, mainly because the videos are short and aim to quickly catch your attention - just what you need, an immediate distraction.
Aside from that, it's a good idea to keep yourself busy - not in a way that makes your everyday life even heavier, but like small things you do. For example, you can make a list of things you enjoy doing and start improving. There are loads of "30 days challenges" on the Internet, in which every day you make a themed drawing, write something by a given topic and so on. You can start having piano or drama lessons, start learning a new language (if you can't afford a teacher, you can always make a registration in websites such as Duolingo or Busuu), start practising yoga and etc.

☆Imagine yourself giving advice to a person in your situation.
What would you tell them? What would you do to help them? What do you believe it's best for them?
Now follow the advices you gave them.
 


I hope that I didn't give too basic advices, but that's what I did to get better and it all worked for me (consider that I was in a REALLY dark place). I hope I helped, and don't hesitate to contact us and ask further questions!

Chrissy xx

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   *nihilism - the rejection of all religious and moral principles, often in the belief that life is meaningless.
Synonyms: negativity, cynicism, pessimism.