Losing my grandmother

Every year thousands of teenagers lose a loved one. My last memory of my grandmother is me holding her hand at the side of her hospital bed. When I went home that night my dad stayed at the hospital, at some point in the night (I didn't sleep anyway) my mums phone rang, the ringtone was a piano. From that moment I knew she was gone. That piano ring tone still haunts me today. 

I remember feeling numb. I couldn't really take in what was happening. My grandmother chose to not tell me or my brother about her cancer, until we found out she was going to die, about 2 days before her actual death. People don't appreciate how hard it is to lose a loved one, especially grandparents. I heard someone at school say it was "babyish" to cry other a dead grandparent. Loosing a parent or sibling or any family member hurts. And people are allowed to hurt.

I feel like people think that you should just get over loosing a grandparent, and it's not that easy. I know I was extremely close to my grandmother, and she had a huge place in my heart, as she always will. Just because a lot of teenagers go through it doesn't mean that it's not okay to be sad. It doesn't mean it's not a big deal. I remember asking my friends for support, and they just shrugged me off. A quick "hope your okay" and that was that. I can't comprehend what it must be like to loose a mother, father, sister or brother but I know I had a strong bond with my grandmother and loosing her is an experience that has changed how I look at a lot of things. 

Sometimes I still get upset, I have her teddy that she gave me. I look at photographs. But looking back, I really needed someone to talk to. And I want everyone who is reading this to know that it's okay to be upset. It will get better, but there will always be a part of you missing. 

This doesn't mean that you won't live any less of a happy life, but you never fully get over a loved ones death. Things that helped me included listening to "supermarket flowers" by Ed Sheeran. I also started trying to be more like my grandmother, because she was an amazing person. If I could be half the woman she was, I would be happy with who I am. After her death I went into a spiral of what I'm not sure what it was, but I started overthinking everything about life. I started thinking about how one day all my family would die, and no one I loved would be left. However I managed to pull through, and hopefully I am making her and my granddad proud. If anyone is going through anything like this and needs someone to talk to, I will be happy to listen. Being told that you have to "be strong" for your loved ones sake isn't always true. Your loved one would want you to have time to grief and look after yourself, not hide your feelings for the sake of others. There are lots of support groups, online and in person, which can help you deal with your grief. Teen years are difficult anyway, and dealing with a death of a loved one is hard. 

Ella