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By Chloë I was in love once.
Not something you’d expect to hear from a 16 year old girl, is it? It’s more the beginning of a tale told by an old man in a care home, yet here I am. The thing is, I hate the concept of love. I hate how it is intangible, I hate those Instagram posts I can’t stop scrolling through; the endless contradictions of ‘If they love you, they make the time.’ and the following, ‘Love means knowing when to step away for a while.’ This endless stream of uncertainty eats away at me, and that’s essentially what love is. Although, it’s probably worse, because all of your words and your actions and your ideas also impact someone else. Someone you really care about. Someone you love. So, yes, I was in love. We dated for a year and a half. He made me laugh and cry and feel every emotion in between. Those are the facts. Those are my certainties and the rest… well, the rest is what keeps me up at night. My relationship had more ups and downs than a wavy day out at sea; we genuinely took the whole ‘rollercoaster of emotions’ to an excessive level. It made it so confusing to realise whether or not I was happy, or if I should end things, or if we were just going through a ‘rough patch’. Essentially, I had no clue. People always say that you can see how bad the relationship was once it’s over, but that’s the worst part: I still can’t tell. From where I’m sitting, I can see the good and the bad just as plainly as I could when we were together and, trust me, I saw the bad a lot more than you would expect. Maybe I was just making excuses, giving him too many second chances, or maybe he was just really busy and I was too demanding of affection and his time. Even now, I can’t decide. So, instead, I force myself to focus on how I felt in the bad times, relive those emotions. And I force myself to remember the good times purely as that: memories. I do not allow myself to emotionally engage with what I have ‘lost’, because this will make me want to go back to a place which wasn’t healthy. If you are in a relationship, have a crush, are dealing with a breakup, questioning your sexuality, or anything in between… then same. I’ve been there, I’ve seen it, I’ve passed ‘Go’ and collected my £200 and honestly, from my experience, it sucks. Emotions suck. Feelings suck. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have them. We spend so much of our time fixating on the present, and that’s okay… until it’s not. Until you cry constantly about how confused you are and how you don’t know what to do. We are teenagers. We don’t know what to do. We make mistakes, we hurt people, we get hurt, we fall in and out of love faster than Bolt doing the 100m, and we aren’t going to stop. These experiences teach us how to cope when we grow up. Because, believe it or not, we are still children. You and me. Neither of us have any idea what’s going to happen a week from now, a day, even in the next hour. We may dress up and pretend to be adults, but it’s just a fantastical desire we are aching to achieve in the hope that this transition from teen to adult will magically solve all our problems, and will magically make sense of the world around us. Yes, I was in love once. But, you know what, in the past two months I’ve made mistakes, I’ve hurt people, I’ve been hurt, and I may have developed a crush or two along the way. And I bet you’ve probably done these things too. It’s okay. It’s okay to be confused and stressed and anxious because we all feel like that, all the time. I hope my experiences have shed light onto just how similar we all are, considering I’m just a stranger sitting in her room wearing a dress in mid-winter and you are somebody I’ve almost definitely never met. And still, I’m here for you, a total stranger offering her hand to help you through whatever it is that’s getting you down. I’m here for you just like your friends are there, and your teachers and your family. We are all going through this together, one big group of people who have absolutely no clue what’s going on. And we are going to do amazing things, I promise.
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By Chloë I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and, I must admit, we’ve had our ups and downs. Usually, we’d resolve these quite quickly but the latest one… well, we didn’t.
COVID-19, along with everything it entailed, paired with the fact that we both started sixth form in September, has made it really difficult for us to communicate properly with each other, let alone spend time together making memories and, well, be in a strong, healthy relationship. Of course, we both knew from the very beginning that there would be rough patches, and I think we did a pretty good job at keeping our heads high throughout summer, given that we met up around five times in five months. We worked on a project together writing songs for a musical I wrote and I honestly think that, without this, we wouldn’t have lasted. Then school hit, and everything changed. Again. He has decided to do the IB course which I think is perfect for him, but it does mean that he has absolutely no free time. We wouldn’t speak all week and any spare time he had, he spent on Xbox. Now, I’m not blaming him, because I know he needed the down time, but that didn’t mean I didn’t feel like the last option every single day that we spoke. I genuinely thought I was doing the best thing when I broke up with him. I really did. But, when I couldn’t concentrate during school and couldn’t stop crying, I realised that I’d made a mistake. Now, I’m not going into much more detail because it’s not just personal to me, but also to him, but by the end of the week we were back together. We were happy. That is, until the doubt started creeping in. He took longer to get back to where we were before than I did, because I have a way of processing and getting over things a lot faster than other people, and this made it difficult to understand each other in the first week or so we were back together. Fortunately, we both put in the necessary effort to have those tough conversations when we really needed them, which allowed us to hang on to each other throughout the rest of the school term. There was a constant cloud of guilt hazing my vision ever since we got back together, and it’s still there in the back of my mind, if I’m honest. When I broke up with him, he was heartbroken, and it’s fair to say that I am responsible for this. Adding to this, I don’t regret doing it because I was really struggling and he didn’t seem to notice, but, as much as I try to explain why I think it has helped, he doesn’t understand because of how much it hurt him. We are both working together to help me get through this guilt and, once again, whenever I feel any sadness or fear, I immediately tell him so we can sort through and dismiss these emotions as soon as possible. Things have changed, which, in hindsight, is inevitable, but shocked me all the same. He has only just started to say the small, cute things he used to and sometimes there’s a weird vibe that’s just… off somehow. But, we aren’t letting this get to us (well, I’m trying not to, anyway) and we FaceTime constantly to avoid any further separation than COVID has already caused. One thing I hadn’t expected was the opinion of others. People really suck sometimes. Friends have told me about conversations they’ve overheard about the breakup and these really, really affect me. I hate people being able to talk about me. It’s something that makes me feel icky and insecure but, luckily, my boyfriend doesn’t feel the same. I’ll tell him about what others have said or done in a state of panic and he’ll reassure me, explaining why it doesn’t matter because we are happy and, ultimately, they don’t know anything about the situation. I think that the worst thing about the entire situation, for me, at least, is when everyone meets in this field afterschool. My boyfriend and I are different people, and we have different friends. I never really thought anything of this until people I’m not overly close with would come up to me and tell me it was ‘weird’ that I wasn’t standing with him. Now, at the time I dismissed this because I really didn’t need to be constantly around him in order to, what, validate our relationship to others? Yet, once again, I overthink (a lot) and now whenever I go out it makes me so uncomfortable and awkward, especially when people interrogate me. In fact, last week they physically pushed me over towards him and it made me feel sick. The final concern I sometimes have is the simple question: Was getting back together the right thing to do? I know that it was, I really do, but part of me is always scared that things will get bad again, that I’ll start feeling like the last option or, even worse, that he’ll stop caring about me all together. In this situation, the only thing to do is just have trust in your S/O because, ultimately, that’s the foundation of any relationship anyway. They have the ability to break your heart, you gave them that ability, but, remember, you have it too. Relationships go both ways and, if you want it to work out, both of you MUST put in the effort and MUST listen to and help each other through the thick and thin. You are each other’s lifelines, so don’t let the rope that’s preventing them from drowning wear thin. By Avika It is said that marriage is a girl’s dream. Thanks to development, awareness and rebellion that idea has been subdued and now it’s not the end goal. Many amazing women have proven us wrong and I am glad. But sometimes, I think about marriage too. I know that I haven’t reached that age, I mean it is illegal to marry me. My family is very supportive of me, and I know that even if I reach that age, they will be supportive of every decision. But sometimes, I wonder how my wedding will be. Will I show up in a white gown down the aisle or be wreathed in red, with heavy traditional dresses and jewellery? Maybe, I’ll have it on a beach, or a garden?
One thing that I was confident about is that I am neutral about the idea of marriage and I would be able to adjust to it. Being an Indian, I have seen girls being married off young. Sometimes, it is because they cannot afford to keep kids and other times it is because they need some sort of support but the reasons are endless. Thankfully, I have never been in that situation and now the times in India have changed. But when there are so many luxurious and huge weddings happening around you, it is quite hard to not ponder upon how your marriage will be. I was confident that I was okay with marriage until I saw her. One of my relatives, newly-wed, came to my house for a formal dinner. He had his wife with her and looked happy. The relatives are not very controlling either but she still had an image to maintain and as I looked at her—she followed every rule and regulation. In our culture, some things HAVE to be done by newly wedded brides and she was the epitome of it and that is great. You know. She is following everything, but how can you be so caged? Everyone sat down and immersed in some random talks but I was just staring at my feet thinking about how it must feel. I was beside her so I could notice a lot. The way she had her heavy gold jewellery, her bangles, the vermillion lying on her scalp, the red lipstick, the heavily embroidered dress. She was the perfect bride, but she lacked freedom. She started boasting about how well she could clean and how well she cooked with a glimmer in her eye and was hoping to charm everyone. She even remained quiet and let everyone speak. She even quietly heard the comments about the language barriers and just smiled. I know that it is not that bad, I am sure she had a wonderful time. But her presence made me realise that maybe I am not as confident about that sort of commitment yet. I cannot see myself like that. In my heart, it is not what I can do. Maybe, my opinions will change in a few years, even decades but for now, no. I am not ready to have vermillion on me, or wear those bangles. I could use the same makeup as her to cover up what I can’t show but I know that I will lose myself with it. I know that if I commit right here, right now, I will forever feel caged, captured and captivated. Someday, I’ll say “yes” to somebody else, but not now. This is my youth and no thoughts of vermillion flowing can stop me. By Cody Last year I lost my eldest cats and both of my dogs, which was such a devastating loss to myself and my family. Those of you who are experiencing the same loss or about to go through the loss of a pet will understand how heart-wrenching it feels, but knowing how to grieve their loss is important! If you don’t learn to grieve your pet healthily you put yourself at risk of depression or anxiety or even may struggle to deal with your feelings in the future.
Pets most often are put to sleep or pass away from old age or age-related conditions (such as severe arthritis). When the pet is old, owners are usually prepared or at least somewhat expecting the end of the pet's life, though this can still be hard to deal with. But, from my personal experience, there’s no worse feeling than when you’re not expecting the untimely death of a pet. You can feel robbed of the years that you still expected your pet to live and this can lead to a harder grieving process. Providing you’re having to put your pet to sleep (PTS), like many owners do, it is important to prepare yourself for the day. I recommend taking paid time off (PTO) work or having the appointment booked for a day when you’re scheduled to be off work and away from other arrangements. Saying your final goodbye is tough and may affect you more than you expect. On the day, your vet will take you and your pet into a private room and allow your pet to get comfortable before anything else happens. Once you’re ready (your vet should prompt this), the vet will administer medication that makes your pet drowsy, and they will pass within the next few minutes. Do note that your pet may ‘flop’ to the floor or onto the table during the process of inserting the medication, so, it’s a good idea to have them in your arms or lying down before inserting the meds. Because I always had a pet to return to at home, I was very fortunate to never have the feeling of an ‘empty house’, but I have heard from others that you will need someone to come home and spend time with you during the day of your pet’s passing - it can feel very lonely whilst you’re getting used to the fact there are no pets at home. The worst death for me was my dearest Pippa, a 9-year-old beagle who suffered from problems with her hips and hind legs, which sadly was the reason we had her put to sleep (it would be too cruel to let her suffer after many attempts of different medication not working for her). The sad choice to have her PTS was much worse than my eldest dog Odie, an 11-year-old King Charles spaniel, who passed of old age as well as my two cats Garfield and Smokie (British short-haired cats), simply because my family and I were not expecting Pippa to pass with at least another few years expected of life for her breed. Learning to grieve was a difficult process for me. Crying was the hardest thing to do after all my animals left us. I kept trying to keep it in for the sake of my other family members, but I soon realised that it was making me more upset to keep it in than it was to let out my sadness. Please allow yourself to cry, and do whatever you need to do emotionally to let out the sadness! It’s important not to ponder on those last moments with your pet as you don’t want to remember them in such a sad way. Instead, find a way to grieve your pet after their passing, whether you wish to create a memorial for your pet, write about your pet (like I am), reach out to others in your support group, or simply remember the happy times you had together; it is important to find which is best for you. By Mel Over the years, we have all experienced the feeling like we are not there or not present in either friendships or relationships. It’s like being a ghost just hovering around the people you love.
Recently, I’ve been in the same situation and it got to the point where I didn’t realise how badly it was affecting me. I was punishing myself for someone else’s bad choices, keeping secrets from loved ones and involving me in their own relationships. It had taken me all these years to come to terms with what she was doing to me. It was like being brainwashed into being under their control. Whenever I was staying with that friend and they would invite someone else over, it changed! I was no longer present in that room, just them two. Now, many people would class this as being jealous but that’s it, I wasn’t jealous at all. I just wanted to be involved! After situations like this I would pack my things and go home and just sit in my bedroom, alone. I punish myself by my thoughts brainwashing me into believing no one loves me This was not good for my depression at all. I was staying in my room 24/7, never leaving the house because I felt like I just didn’t want to be here anymore. It was a dark time and I have been here many times over the years before too. I just wished to feel wanted just for once. So, now I’m doing the same, staying away from everyone and keeping myself to myself! I’ve been numb over the past few months since the incident, I can never really explain how I feel. Feeling stuck in between friendship and relationship can be hard, so hard that you have no idea what to do or where to turn. What’s helped me through every time is journaling! Recording what has happened down in a book so then it’s out of my mind into a locked book! Other ways that have helped pick up my mood is by thinking about places to travel! At the top of my travel list is Japan because I want to discover their culture. I also want to visit Ukraine to explore Chernobyl which was a disaster was a nuclear accident that occurred on Saturday 26 April 1986. How this happened was the reactor design flaws and breach of protocol during simulated power outage safety test. Making lists like places you want to visit or even a bucket list of what you want to achieve in your life can be really helpful as a distraction. Music playlists can be made for each mood like happy songs, motivational songs or even sad songs. But, finding that distraction to help prevent your mind from wandering into that dark hole is the most important thing to do! Feeling stuck in the middle or being the third wheel can be hard but you are worth more than that! By Chloë I told a girl I liked her. Yep, that’s right. I told her I liked her and even though she doesn’t feel the same way, I don’t regret doing it.
A few weeks ago I looked at her and it just clicked. It terrified me. I didn’t want to feel that way towards her, but as soon as the thought was in my mind, I couldn’t get it out. What was I going to do? This question resonated around my mind for the next week. Initially, I had intended on doing absolutely nothing, letting it pass, and moving on. But, when I began to second-guess every interaction, every word, every look… I knew I had to ask. I had to know where her head was at. I knew she didn’t like me, not like that. The vibes just weren’t there, but I still needed confirmation, and that’s okay. Of course, it took more than this to persuade me to tell her. And by ‘more than this’ I mean going over the conversation 50+ times in my head, messaging my friends multiple times, taking different stances and viewpoints everytime, before I even got close to a conclusive decision on my approach. So, how did I choose? How did I know that telling her was the right thing to do? If you are in a similar position to mine, I’d advise you to ask yourself the following questions: Will things really change if they don’t feel the same? Chances are, this person you have a crush on is someone you see daily, or is a big part of your life. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be so worried to tell them in the first place. And so, if they are this big in your life, then you probably are in theirs. They probably won’t be willing to lose you over something like this and, if they are someone you can truly trust- which I’d assume they are if you have a crush on them-, then they’ll probably do their best to help you as much as they can. Yes, things may change, but if they are someone who cares for you, you can work together to adjust to this new situation. Are your feelings real? I’ll admit, at first I was dubious about whether I actually had feelings for her. She isn’t anything like my usual ‘type’ (not including the fact that she’s a she, of course), so I assumed it was just a glitch in my emotional radar. When trying to decide whether your feelings are real, try to analyse interactions a bit more; consider how they make you feel. Nervous? Flustered? If you are trying to present your best self to them, and are worried about doing so, chances are you do like them as more than a friend. What will happen if you don’t tell them? From my experience, here are the positives and negative outcomes regarding this question: Positives: You can’t get hurt. Things will stay the same. Negatives: You may feel guilty taking more from interactions than they might be. You won’t know if they feel the same. You may feel awkward or uncomfortable around them. And, ultimately, what led me to tell her was the final question of ‘What if…’, plus the knowledge that, whatever happens, I’d know I’d gone through worse before… I’d made it through worse before. And I could do it again. Okay, so she doesn’t like me back, but the experience and knowledge I gained from this was far better than any sadness I went through as a result. I realised that it’s okay to be truthful, it’s okay to have emotions and express them, and it’s okay to go through a rejection. It’s healthy. It doesn’t mean everyone hates you or that no one loves you. It just means they aren’t your person. Remember, you regret the things you don’t do in life more than the things you do. By Mel Growing up, I saw all my friends have boyfriends and girlfriends. I saw my family grow into new relationships but also witnessed the heartbreaks to follow later on. Seeing all those relationships made me wonder if I was ever going to be in one.
The first time that I remember liking a person was my first year of high school. I was walking to my next lesson and this boy walked past me and I just got a sudden smile on my face. He looked back at me and he smiled too, ever since then throughout high school I just was so happy when I saw him. This boy was in the year above me and we began to grow closer together. We laughed at the same things and we even went around to each other’s houses to play videogames. As the years passed I guess we both started to like each other. When we both admitted to each other that we had feelings for one another, we did sleep together but after that our friendship was never the same again. I truly miss that friendship we once had but I’m glad my first time was with someone I trusted. Anyways, after that situation I didn't really experience a proper relationship until I met another boy a few years later. This relationship went on for a good year. It was a grand relationship and yes, I can say that I did love that boy. But as relationships go, we had an argument and it just came to an end. Since then, I haven’t been committed like I was in that relationship. I’ve been questioning my sexuality because I’ve always seen myself as a tomboy and I’ve had crushes on girls, but thought nothing of it. It’s the year of 2020 and it feels so grand to say that I am bisexual and not have to worry about what others think or if they will judge me! I’m proud to say I am bisexual and being a part of an understanding team has helped me so much! It’s been a few years since my last relationship and I’m not looking for one any time soon as I’m happy being single! Being in a relationship isn’t for everyone and why should it be? I plan on using the next few years on getting better in my mental health and travelling the world! I am hoping to achieve my dream of meeting Alice in Wonderland and the mad hatter too in Disneyland Paris! Also, I want to explore more abandoned places, especially in Japan! So, if I was in a relationship I feel like I would be tied down and not be able to achieve the goals I want to. Now, I’m not saying relationships are controlling but for me, it’s not the right time to start a new chapter and be committed to a specific someone. I’m still discovering myself as we speak! Never be afraid of who you are!
Exactly 8 years ago, I heard the words 'I love you’ from someone for the first time. Believe me when I say that I was never expecting that these words would mean so many different things to me in today's time. While I was remembering my first boyfriend, whom I dumped ruthlessly, I got a text from my current boyfriend. For a second, I got scared thinking, 'How on earth did he sense that I was thinking about some other guy?'
I opened his chat, and there it was. A picture on WhatsApp in 'one view.’ He was wearing a piece of jewellery that he bought and never mentioned. He tells me everything, and I know he left this one out on purpose. Now, how am I supposed to tell him that it doesn't suit him? Forget about suiting; it's looking ugly. What did I do about it? I didn't hurt him with my harsh judgement. I asked him to exchange it for another size. It was a chain that looked like a choker, and I asked him to get a bigger one (one that hides beneath his shirt) for his own sake. You must be thinking, how did I get to suggesting jewellery in the middle of celebrating 8 years of my first I love you. It's a simple circle. You treat the love of your life with kindness now because you understand how the little things hurt you so much 8 years ago.
I feel as though every woman has experienced this. The magical moment where Prince Charming turns into a caveman. Whether it’s a burp during dinner or a fart while watching a movie. For me, it was a bit more extreme. One Wednesday afternoon, while strolling down my neighbourhood with my boyfriend, he told me to wait a second. The next second, he was pulling down his trousers and rushing to the fields. My phone lights up, and it’s a text from him to go get baby wipes. You could not believe my disgust. He then went on to complain about how late I was. No wonder people say I’m a pushover. This was the moment I knew we were through.
All of us have experienced that moment. And then, there comes a time to wonder, are all men like this? Are there any men at all? Or do they all stay boys? Why is society tolerating men becoming more and more immature through the years while investigating our every flaw? Why are men expecting us to stay with them after that behavior? Believe me or not, I think whether you walk into a bar or a palace, you’ll still find a guy farting. Or picking his nose. It’s just that this behaviour has become so normalised that we’re all pretending to be okay with it. Men do exist, just not in the fantasy/romantic way we all want them. They might give you some fantasy moments, like a rose on Valentine’s Day or buying you dinner, but that's about it. There’s no prince on a white horse. Some men do stay boys forever. Peter Pan is not just a fairytale, ladies! Some boys believe it’s okay to comment on their girlfriend’s face or pout in public. The new trend on TikTok where men call their girlfriends “mommy” needs to be studied. Society will never stop tolerating men and their flaws. Society will always love the fact that they exist and treat others the way they do, just because society is made of them. The set of rules is made by and for them. Men expect us to stay with them because there’s this myth of the needy woman, of a girl who needs constant reassurance. A girl who would never run from a relationship, and that model is set in rom-coms. In conclusion, ladies, never settle. When someone is asking what you offer to the table, show them your manners. And don’t expect anything less. Expect chivalry or at least generosity. Not a caveman. By Alexis Streaming “Lover” by Taylor Swift while my hands hover above the keyboard trying to define an emotion that all of us felt one day.
If we want to define love scientifically, it’s a bunch of chemicals released in your body. If we want to define it as an emotion, love is this wild, beautiful spectrum of emotions—everything from those deep, soulful connections with others to the pure, simple joys that light up your day. According to social media, however, love is cheesy songs, expensive gifts, Instagram reels with “My Love is Mine all Mine” by Mitski playing in the background, perfect looking couples kissing under the rain, and some high school romance TV shows. For me, love was something I could never get. I don’t know why I felt like I wasn’t worthy of that flood of emotions where I’m emotionally attached to that one person who loves me unconditionally. Probably because I was too serious about long-lasting relationships while all the other teenagers just wanted to have fun. Playing “People Watching” by Conan Gray. A part of me knew that one day I’d feel it all, but for now, I’m only “people watching.” For now, all I have are eyes to witness all the lovers surrounding me, and a heart to ache for not being one of them. Taking my AirPods off. Throughout my journey of finding a potential lover, I found love. Apparently, love is not these badly edited Instagram reels, love is so much more. Love is my mum’s goodbyes from the window each time I leave home. Love is my friend Zi whom I don’t only share my passion for psychology, but also my laughter. Love is late night walks with my sister. It’s my long video calls with my cousins. However, love is not always a happy moment. Love also could manifest in our saddest moments. It’s the grief I felt attending my grandmother’s funeral. It’s the tears I cried saying goodbye to my cousins who moved abroad. Finally, love is missing all of my friends who are studying abroad even while texting them. Throughout my journey of finding love, I learned that loving oneself is even more important than being loved by a lover. I also learned that “love” is as adjustable as a play-dough, you can either shape it into that platonic emotion you experience daily with your favorite ones or confine it to a partner you long to have. By Kenzie Losing your virginity can be a scary prospect. You don’t know what to expect, whether it will be pleasurable, whether you’ll be good at it or not and generally just what your first time is like. I know all those feelings and I hope that this article will help to quell those fears and make it slightly less daunting when the time comes.
The phrase ‘losing your virginity’ refers to a person’s first time having sex. Typically, people class sex as penis-in-vagina (PIV) penetrative sex. However, sex and virginity can mean various things to different individuals, whether it refers to oral sex (blowjobs, licking, sucking etc.) or other sexual acts. For the purposes of this article, I am going to be referring to PIV sex but I do not intend to discount anybody else’s definition of losing their virginity. The average age at which most UK individuals lose their virginity is somewhere between 16 and 18 (source: NHS Borders/Metro) but some people are younger and others are older. It all depends on the person. I lost my virginity very recently and also at an older age than the average. I was 22 years old when I first had sex. There were a few reasons why I waited until I was more mature to have sex. The first reason and arguably most important reason, is that I wasn’t ready. At first, whenever I thought of having sex, it terrified me and I really did not want to even think about it, let alone do it. The second reason was that I had never really been in a serious healthy relationship before. For me, sex is a very intimate act and I wholeheartedly bought into the cliche of not losing my virginity until I was in love. That’s not to say that I think people shouldn’t have sex until they’re in love - it’s just what felt right to me. So when I was 22 and met my,unfortunately now, ex-boyfriend and fell in love with him, I started thinking about sex. I was still very scared to begin with but, when we were about a month into the relationship, we started messing about together and I realised the thought of having sex no longer scared me. It felt natural, and safe. The first time was weird, honestly. It was a bit awkward as I had no clue what I was doing and it was slightly painful to start with I didn’t find it particularly pleasurable as I was very self conscious. I even cried afterwards. But the main thing that hit me was that I didn’t feel any different The first thing I want to highlight is that in my opinion, losing your virginity is not as big of a deal as people make it out to be. You may have heard everyone hyping up your first time and talking about breaking your hymen but honestly, it’s really not worth it. You can break your hymen by riding a horse or using a tampon - it’s nothing to do with sex. As I said, I didn’t feel any different after sex. So whilst it’s okay to be worried or nervous, don’t let the hype overwhelm you. Also, another really important thing is to not compare yourself to anybody else, and don’t think that you have to have sex just because somebody else you know did. As I mentioned, I was much older than the average age and I knew a lot of my friends had lost their virginity already. There is no correct age that you should lose your virginity though. It is all about when you feel ready and safe and when you want to have sex. Whether you’re 16 or 22 or even older, it is solely your decision and no-one else’s. Now onto some of the things to expect when you have sex for the first time.
Overall, nobody can tell you when the right time to lose your virginity is. That choice is yours and yours alone. Just make sure that you do it when you feel ready and I hope that this article helps to put some of your fears at ease and dispel any misconceptions. It all started on the good old app known as ‘Tinder’. During the pandemic, I decided to download the app and see what it could bring into my life. At first, I did it for a laugh but turns out it was to become more. This person who I matched with became my best friend in the space of a few weeks. She listened to me, she wanted to know how I was doing, and most of all she accepted me. I told her about my seizures and I was expecting her to run away then, unmatch me and be done with it. But I was totally wrong; it didn’t phase her at all. She accepted it and I hadn’t even met her yet. I’ll be honest, she was the total opposite of me but we connected through different things I never thought anyone would like about me. We started to talk every day then one month on, we decided to meet. We did meet during the safe time before the pandemic when people were allowed to travel. The safe way to meet people now during these tough times is to research the rules of the pandemic in your country, don’t risk getting a fine! But also, please make yourself aware of ‘stranger danger’. The reason I met this girl was before I had face-timed her and I got to know her first before arranging anything. Make sure if you are going to meet someone you’ve never met before, it’s in an open space with lots of people around. I was scared, so scared that I was finally meeting this girl in person. I wanted to make a good impression, not mess up and most importantly not have a seizure. So, I was nervous but it took it easy. I got ready, did my makeup and then I was on the train to go and meet this girl who had been putting a smile on my face each morning just by seeing her face. I realised that in the space of a month, she made me come out of my shell and I started to accept myself which I haven’t done for years. This was something different, something new that I’d never experienced before, but I liked it! On the train, I was shaking but my intentions were excited. To finally put a face on this girl who can change your day just by smiling. The time had come, I got off the train and I was walking to the main station where I would meet her. I was standing there shaking still and I couldn’t find her. My first thought was, ‘Oh my, has she stood me up?’ But no, she didn’t. That’s when she came up behind me and hugged me. She was tall but her shoes did add to it! I remember just seeing this girl who went from Tinder to Snapchat to finally seeing her in person. I couldn’t stop smiling and I didn’t want to let go of her because just at that moment I felt like nothing could hurt me. I felt safe, I felt protected. I felt loved. And most of all I felt accepted because we were both expressing our personality through how we looked! That’s when we left the station and we went to good old ‘Weatherspoons’ for our date. We stayed there for a while just getting to know each other more and just enjoying each other’s company. Then it was shopping time! I went all out and just spent my money like there was no tomorrow but I have no regrets. We both enjoyed our time together and that’s what mattered most. But saying goodbye was another matter. I didn’t want this day to end it was so perfect and fun, it felt like my own fairytale. But we did plan to meet again so I was looking forward to that! It’s true when they say, ‘Someone you met two weeks ago can have better intentions than someone you met 2 years ago, don’t let them fool you’. This quote really stuck with me since then and I live by it now. This girl has helped me realise that I am worth more than what people have been treating me like the past few years, like rubbish. It’s time to take the wheel and live my own life instead of fixing others, and I believe it starts here, with her. -Mel mELLove. Trust. Respect. Attention. Communication.
These five points have been revisited again and again by psychologists and unofficially claimed as the five bases of a good relationship. Without these it can be almost impossible to build a strong one (either platonic or romantic) which will last. However, many relationships turn sour and bitter, and abusive or broken relationships can lead to extreme mental upheaval, in some cases leading to depression, anxiety and trust issues. Usually, when a relationship turns negative it can feel sudden or surprising, and we may not even notice a change at all until it takes a toll on our own mental state. Regularly we can feel like asking “how did I not notice this sooner?” and even blaming ourselves. The true question is, what makes a good relationship? And how can we tell the difference between a positive and a negative one? Psychologists believe that humans need seven things to stay mentally healthy. These seven things are known as The Seven Human Basic Needs. One of these is connection and love. You’d think that we would all follow these basic guidelines as they’re the equivalent to a fast-track pass to happiness, however, in this day and age many of these needs aren’t met, and can seem almost impossible to reach - especially for teenagers. In the modern world it can be easy to feel lonely, unnoticed and unloved. In fact, all of these feelings are extremely common in people with severe depression and loneliness, highlighting further the importance of connection and love to the human psyche. Upon hearing the word “relationship” our minds probably travel to the idea of a life partner, however, close friendships are just as important as a significant other. Close relationships can be formed within your family, or with school, college, uni or work friends - you may even form them online! Having people who you can rely on to be there for you - even when you don’t even want to be there for yourself - can be the most relieving thing, and even help you to manage and understand yourself better. I’ve been through my own fair share of bad friendships, but one has always stood out to me as a primary example of a problematic one, riddled with ‘red flags’ that I can now recognise as ‘Problem Points’, and have used to recognise bad friendships ever since. These Problem Points started off small at first, little things such as questionable compliments - “well, you look... nice?” - or ‘constructive’ criticism - such as “I mean this in the best way possible, but I don’t think that shirt was a good idea” . These are harmless enough, but a bad friendship will progress past this point, moving into the ‘negative comments’ phase - with “You talk a lot, could you just be quiet?” or “Your shoes look like a pair my dad used to own.” - which on their own are easily ignored, but when repeated can slowly chip away at your self-confidence, and lead you to rely on their praise to make you feel better, leading into the next Problem Point. The next is recommending their own ‘fixes’ to your ‘less desirable’ traits or aspects, such as changing your style through “oh, but this would look so much better on you” or “smile with your mouth closed, it looks better on you”, and after going through the negative comments you’ll end up craving their praise, so slowly your style, traits and even your personality may shift to accommodate them. I didn’t even notice that I was really changing, it was only my mum’s comments on how ‘different’ I looked and ‘odd’ I was acting that made me aware of the changes I was putting myself through. After this phase of ‘praise’, the negative comments come back in force, and this is normally the stage where family and friends start saying things such as “why are you letting them treat you like that?” ect. These negative comments can be things such as “are you TRYING to embarrass me? Is that your aim?” or “be quiet, I’m speaking now” or “what did we say about smiling?” If the friendship reaches this point, then either the ‘friend’ moves on and leaves you, or a family member or friend may intervene. However, very rarely will family or friends intervene if you don’t reach out first. When I went through this I ended up extremely depressed, anxious and socially withdrawn. Whilst being friends with this person a lot of family issues had also kicked off, so when I came out the end of it, everything hit me like a tonne of bricks, and I was in a very dangerous state. However, I’d been lucky enough to have one of my closest friends stand by me through the whole situation, and she helped manage to carry me through. I was also lucky to have a mum and dad I could confide in, so even though I felt alone I wasn’t. The best thing for you after coming out of a friendship like that, or even when trying to get out of a bad friendship, is to lean on your family and friends who are concerned for you. They care. And even though you’ll feel like you can’t trust anyone, they’ll be there for you. If you’re still stuck and want more advice, here’s a few websites I recommend you have a look at: For identifying an abusive friendship - https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/how-to-recognize-abusive-friendships#2 For getting out of one - https://www.canadianliving.com/life-and-relationships/relationships/article/6-steps-to-ending-a-toxic-friendship Esme Definition of ‘LOVE’; an intense feeling of deep affection. Love encompasses a range of strong and positive emotional and mental states, from the most sublime virtue or good habit, the deepest interpersonal affection, to the simplest pleasure. But what if Love can turn out to be a curse? What happens when it takes over your mind and you have no clear way of thinking? Is it just the process of a breakup or is it just your mind playing tricks on you? To explore this question, I’m going to share a recent experience that happened to me where I was stuck in between two loves, by that I mean being in a current relationship but wanting to be in another. Now, that may sound awful but hear me out. I was in a ten-month relationship with my now (Ex) and I was struggling with intimacy, my sexuality and above all just being comfortable around him during the ‘fun times’ A few months ago, it occurred to me that it wasn’t him who was the problem, it was me. I didn’t know what I wanted as I was so confused and was staying in a relationship to please other people, not myself. Now, that’s when I put a stop to this relationship because I knew it was wrong of me to continue dating him if I didn’t have any feelings for him anymore, what kind of person would I be? Now, onto the other relationship I wanted. I met this other person a few years before my ex. We used to work together, we got on like there were no worries in the world. We shared likes, we shared dislikes it was just an amazing feeling to be around them. They say, if a person gives you butterflies, that’s the one for you. And well, I didn’t believe back then, but now I truly believe in that statement. As they did give me butterflies and they still do every time their name pops up in a conversation I just feel like I’m on cloud nine. Sounds like a ‘teenage romance’ right? But, that’s the way I can only describe it as I felt this was the right decision to make. I was finally putting myself first for once because usually, it’s the opposite way around. Now, in the aftermath of breaking up with my ex, I knew what was coming. My family would be questioning why I ended the relationship. And of course the actual partner at the time. But you know what I did? I just said it as it was; “I’m sorry but I don’t have any feelings for you anymore and I feel this is the right thing to do as I don’t want to use you”. Because I wanted him to be happy, and get into a relationship where he was loved truly as he does deserve that. But it just wasn’t me who could do that for him. I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic, what would you have done if you were in a similar situation as me? - Mel MEL
Let’s start off with the childhood dream; Once upon a time, I was fascinated with vampires, and that intrigued me and I wanted to become one. So, the adventure started there, and that’s when I researched Vlad The Impaler ( Dracula ). From that, I've always had a love for vampires whilst growing up, and to now actually visit Vlad’s castle where he lived was beyond a childhood dream coming true. The emotions that I was experiencing whilst walking up to the castle were running through my head it was kind of hard to walk. But I managed to get to the top and in we went. Exploring the rooms of the castle, seeing the artwork there that was once Vlad’s. Next, we got to my favourite part of the castle, the courtyard. It was beyond beautiful and it even had a well for people to throw their money into! But the thing I liked about this area was when you stood on the pebbled stone and looked up at the castle roof. It was a sight I’ll never forget. Now, onto the second bit of this article. The reason I’ve included two subjects in this article is that it was experienced on the same day so I thought it would just be suitable. So, how is love “just a dream?” Well, for me it was happening over several years I just didn’t realize it. See, the person I travelled with to Dracula’s castle was a good friend of mine that I used to work with, but due to circumstances, they had to move back to their hometown. This meant that I couldn’t see them, but also we lost contact for a while. Within the time period, we worked together we both grew close and didn’t realize we actually liked each other. Sucks right? So, after 4-5 years we got back in touch and decided to meet up and make a trip out of it and from there we just became closer and closer. Actually realizing what we had both been missing over the years. After having two trips together, we both came to the terms of, yes we do like each other but we didn’t want to ask each other as we were both anxious about the outcome. So, that’s when we went on our trip to Dracula’s castle. The week of the trip I had been giving a few hints to my friend about how I really liked him and how I would love for him to ask me out. But, it just wasn’t getting through to them. The day finally came, we talked and they explained the reasons for waiting for so long to ask me and it seemed reasonable and I understood where they were coming from. So, when they finally asked me, I was like “Is this too good to be true?” I hesitated due to the reasons they gave me but overall, I knew that this was what I’d been wanting for, those 4-5 years of being clueless. I just wanted to say to them, FINALLY! But, deep down it was like my heart stopped and everything paused for a few minutes. I was happy that all this happened within one day, who would believe it? Was it all just a dream?
MelHave you ever witnessed a couple break up due to one of them lacking self-love? Witnessing that growing up never failed to confuse me. It confused me how someone can dislike oneself, when they could never become someone else. As I got older, it finally became clear to me that self-esteem issues are very real and valid. Unfortunately, I figured this out firsthand, my self-esteem took a big hit within the last three years of high school. The transition of self-pity did not happen overnight. In fact, it started in middle school and continued to grow until it was no longer avoidable. It is fairly normal to feel self-conscious in high school as it is a tipping point in most of our lives. However, I spent so much time fantasizing that I was somebody else, that seemed to hold off any feelings of hatred towards myself for the time being. This is not healthy. At all. There are plenty of ways to deal with loving yourself, and wishing you were someone else is not the solution. I was very fortunate to have enough self-awareness to realize the amount of self-hatred I had was not normal. Nobody should feel as though they are not enough, and they constantly change themselves to become more appealing. I have dealt with many aspects of self-esteem issues, my body image being the biggest. Overcoming these three problems has proven that the journey to self-love is difficult, but so rewarding and satisfying once you have achieved it. Physically, I never felt like a pretty girl. I struggled with my weight and acne for years on end, they always made me feel the most insecure. The societal standards for beauty are so high, it is very easy to feel ugly in your own skin. Constantly comparing myself to girls who were deemed as beautiful according to society’s standards proved to be detrimental. I realized that once I stopped holding myself to these unfair standards, I found beauty within myself, which matters the most. It is essential to stop caring so much about what others think, at least for things that are out of your control. Overcoming my body issues were the biggest hurdle of my journey to self-appreciation. I have tried many things to control my body weight, hoping that losing weight would eventually make me pretty in the eyes of society. Diets, fasting, exercising, and avoiding mirrors were not foreign concepts to me. I would force myself to drink apple cider vinegar because it was said to aid in weight loss. I became so obsessed with the idea of being beautiful in the eyes of everyone , I turned into someone unrecognizable. The process to self-love was not a short and easy one, but it feels good to be comfortable with myself. Once I realized that nobody’s opinion actually mattered, then I started to see the beauty in myself. Granted it will not happen overnight, but hopefully one day you will see yourself as the beautiful person that you are. Society is messed up, it carries unreal standards for people of the upcoming generations and puts them in a position of self-hatred, just because they are not “beautiful”. The best remedy for myself was to read about other’s experiences. Knowing that you are not alone can truly help the healing process be a little more manageable. There are a lot of self-help books and articles that you can access online to read about other people learning to truly love themselves. Although none of these sponsor us, they offer fantastic advice! Here are some ways you can achieve self-appreciation: · Lyftly- An app where you can anonymously post stories about how you are feeling, and you get the chance to connect with other people. · seventeen.com – Clicking on this link will take you to articles that contain celebrity experience with body positivity and self-love. You can even sign a pledge to treat your body with respect. · Write positive sticky notes – As cliché as this sounds, having something positive to read from time to time can really boost one’s confidence! · whosthecutest.com – Click on this link to find out who the cutest person around is. You will not regret it. · Love yourself – I know that this is the final step to your journey. It is not the easiest thing around for a lot of people, they struggle with a lot of self-deprecation. The moment when you can look in the mirror and truly love the person in front of you, you have won the game of Life. Self-love is an expedition that many will embark on. It is too effortless to fall into the hole of self-pity simply due to the fact that society has high standards. I struggled a lot with truly loving myself due to the fact that I could not maintain body positivity. It got to the point where my own reflection was avoided by me. However, realizing that I am not alone, and others’ opinions do not matter I was able to achieve the highest form of self-love. To anyone reading this article: you are beautiful, and you deserve to love yourself. At the end of the day, you cannot expect people to love you when you cannot even do it yourself. As Robert Morley once said, “To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.” ~Camille CamilleBeing in a relationship is great, especially when you love the person so much that you want to spend every minute of every day with them. It can also be hard work and it can also get in the way of things such as school, family, friends and sometimes the time you need for yourself. Sometimes a little break is what you need in a relationship, so you can take time for yourself and think and focus on important things such as your family, friends and school work. This is an alternative from actually breaking up properly. A break can last as long as a year or as little as a couple of weeks. Sometimes when everything gets a bit too much in your relationship and you can’t take any more, a break is the best solution to the problem because it can give you and your partner time to think about what you want from each other. It also gives you time to take a breather and have some time to focus on yourself. There are no specific rules on how a break works, it’s down for you and your partner to set down rules on how you want things to work out. For example, if you or your partner could see other people during this break or if you should stay in contact or not. This is why communication is vital, because otherwise, your partner may not understand where you're coming from. How are they supposed to know what you want from them if you don't tell them? You can’t get mad at someone for doing something that they didn't know they weren't allowed to do. A break is another great way for taking time for school. Sometimes your schoolwork is so much more important than a relationship, especially if you're taking your exams/finals. You don't want your relationship to get in the way of the grades that you need for your future. Now I'm not saying to break off your relationship completely and if you don't you will fail at school. What I'm saying is, sometimes you just need some time apart to study and focus on getting the grade you need. For example, I’ve been in the same relationship for 2 years and it just so happens that this year is my final year of school which means I have my GCSE exams coming up and these grades affect the rest of my life. They are extremely important and I need to study extremely hard for them. This means that I'm going to have to take a break from seeing my boyfriend so much. This doesn’t mean that I'm going to not see him at all, it just means that I will be seeing him a lot less than I used to. I know that it might be hard not seeing your partner as often, but it makes the moments you do spend together more memorable and I always remember the saying “Distance makes the heart grow fonder.”
We’re all hoping that 2021 will be a better year than the last one, but nothing happens overnight. Valentine’s Day is shortly around the corner. It’s a day where couples normally itch for quality time together at home or out on a date, and for most people this year, that probably won’t - or at least, shouldn’t - happen. Not being able to see loved ones in person can be challenging, and sometimes it can put a strain on your relationship. If this is happening to you, I understand wanting to spend the day together. Yet being apart does not have to ruin your Valentine’s this year, or any date you want to have with a partner when you are unable to meet up in person. My partner and I have been dating for just over 6 months. Sometimes we are able to meet up in person as he gets regularly tested for Covid-19 through our school, but when he is with his family, the risk to either of our families is too great. We had to celebrate our first major anniversary apart. We both thought this would be hell. Even though we started dating before being able to meet up in person, both of us have physical-touch and quality time together as our main love-languages. To both of our reliefs, our date-night was really fun! I sent him a dessert set, and we ate desert together over Zoom. He also ordered me flowers, so I put them in the frame too. Figuring out how you want to celebrate can be difficult. My partner and I decided on a more traditional, romantic-type date to mark the occasion, because we mostly have informal calls and binge-watch tv shows on Teleparty. If that type of traditional date is common for you, figuring something different that both you and your partner may enjoy will help make the occasion memorable. Here are some of my favorite ideas for Virtual Valentine’s (or other occasions) dates!
Hopefully, you and your Valentine date are able to make the most of the day! Staying apart from each other has been exhausting, but it definitely has forced me to find joy in activities I otherwise wouldn’t consider. And remember, no two couples are alike, and you and your partner get to decide what your romance looks like. As long as everyone is having a good time - and hopefully able to have some conversation - it doesn’t matter if a date is “conventional” or not. You give it its meaning. Love well, and Happy Valentines!
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Teenagers With Experience is an online organisation created to provide teenagers worldwide with an online platform to share their own experiences to be able to help, inform and educate others on a variety of different topics. We aim to provide a safe space to all young people.
Please note that the content on this website is created by teenagers. While we strive to provide accurate and helpful information, it is important to remember that we are not professional experts. If you are experiencing a crisis or need professional advice, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional or a helpline. |