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Understandably, saying no to an invitation feels like rejecting the person themselves. “No” morphs into a hideous word whenever we run the risk of offending someone we care about. We instead decide to accept a hiking trip or a dinner we were never truly up for from the start. But then, while we’re there, we end up wishing we were cozy at home, by ourselves, and in the worst case scenario, we feel a tinge of resentment for the moment.
Now, to the people-pleasers out there, including myself, please repeat the following sentence: saying no to our loved ones is OKAY! We may not be in the mood to hang-out as a result of work and school burn-out, sleeplessness, low mood, anxiety, depression, in other words, a product of our emotional wellness (or unwellness). These are all justifiable reasons to reject a hang-out invitation. They are just as excusable as an unanticipated fever, a dentist appointment, or an exam to study for. With that said, there is a right way and a wrong way to reject a hang-out. I rejected the wrong way. I was invited to a Zoom Party back in May. I took a couple days to respond back because I couldn’t make up my mind whether to attend the party. I wasn’t in the mood for a party that day but I thought maybe I would be interested on the day of. I texted back and said, “Yes, I’ll come!” However, the day before the costume party, I still wasn’t in the mood. Undoubtedly, I had cornered myself. We were all supposed to dress up in homemade costumes to make the event funnier. I was even less in the mood for that than to just click on “join a meeting.” The day of the Zoom event comes and STILL I didn’t want to have any part in the event. So, I never showed up. I never let her know that I couldn’t come anymore. I was extremely ashamed of myself afterwards because I didn’t have a ‘normal’ excuse except “No, thank you. Not interested.” I took some time to reflect on what I could have done the moment I was asked about the event, and here is what I noticed. I made the mistake to take a while to respond. Unless you are unavailable throughout the week (no pressure there), there is no need to wait a couple of days. We’re all aware that, when we’re at our downtime, we check our phone at least a couple hundred times a day. So, when someone invites you to a party via text or DMs, try to send a reply the same day or, at the latest, the next day; but in the case that you have not made up your mind, let them know you’ll come back to them soon. Now comes the part where you need to make a decision. Try to name every reason you might not want to accompany George and Diego to their skiing trip or might not want to watch a Star Trek movie marathon with Laura and the rest of the Pink Ladies clique. Then, name all the reasons that you’re interested in the hang-out. Which side resonates more for you? Use your gut reaction. Now once you have made sure you are not interested at all because you cannot find yourself to be in the mood to be anywhere but in the luxurious sanctuary of your home, here are a couple of sample texts or in-person phrases you can say: Hey, thank you so much for thinking of me. I won’t be able to come to the party. Maybe next time! I hope you and the squad have a fantastic time! No need for an explanation. Just quick and easy. But in the case that you would like to explain a bit more... Hey, can I have a raincheck? I need to rest at home this Saturday as I can’t find the energy in me to socialize this weekend. Will there be a next time? Hi, Laura. That sounds like fun, but I don’t feel up for human interactions this Friday. I would love to come next time, though! Let me know of any future dates of a similar or a different hangout plan! Or.. if you don’t like the idea at all of their hang-out plan.. You can say.. Hey! I like the idea of all of us spending time together but I’m not really into the idea of a costume party. I would love to come to any other kind of hang-out! Like a dinner? Or a concert? You can also suggest a hang-out, too. Hi, thank you so much for you asking! Open Mic night at Cafe du Monde sounds awesome! Unfortunately, I can’t be there this Sunday but I’m available Thursday night! We can watch that new Tom Hanks movie. What do you think? Conclusion: “No, thank you” can be simple, straightforward, and most of all, heartbreak-free. Using the every now and then uncomfortable word “no”, once you realize that all you really need in the moment is to stay home, can be a major favor for your family member, friend or acquaintance. Honest communication can flourish in the relationship, if you so wish to let them know you need a mental break from socialization. You can also be completely present for them at the next hang-out just in time for that new Tom Hanks movie.
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Ah, toxic friends, we’ve all had some at some point in our lives. They are the complete antithesis of friends; instead of supporting and loving you, they belittle, and abuse you instead. My experience with them is probably no different than yours, but they can leave a lasting impact on you and not in a good way. In fact, I’m going to level with you, the trauma of getting betrayed or abused by some of those so called “friends” is one that I haven’t fully recovered from yet, but, I have made some very important steps in my recovery and learned some important tips and tricks that might hopefully help you out.
My experience started when I was in 9th grade. I was looking forward to high school and having the best time ever because I had always heard that high school was this wonderful time, where you will “make more friends than ever before” and “live the good life partying and going out with your friends all the time. Using what I had learned from middle school, I went around and looked for my people. In a matter of no time, I found those people, they shared all of my interests. I grew very close to them very quickly as a result. Few months in however, things started to take a dark turn. After talking to one of my friends one day, I unknowingly offended her. In response, she began to act more like an oppressor and less like a friend. She began to constantly insult, and intimidate me, while also yelling at me spontaneously. This evolved into slander of my name towards other members of my friend group. They too began to turn against me and avoid me as a result. The mass betrayal really hurt me. What ultimately shook me to my core and scarred me was when one of those “friends” sold me out to my school counselor. My school counselor then told my parents what she told her. I was never the same since. The experience had many effects on me, some of those effects I worked passed. Others however, still affect me to this day. In the aftermath of the event, I developed a case of depression, social anxiety, low self-esteem, and a fear of opening up and being vulnerable. I was always told that I was a wonderful guy and anyone who was my friend would be lucky to have me. In my mind, how could that be if I was rejected by what I thought would be the only people at my school who could ever understand me and I could ever relate to at the time? I didn’t want to be vulnerable about my issues at the time because also in my mind, it was being vulnerable and opening up that led to me being here. Still, a part of me wanted to make friends, but, I also feared doing so cause after all, wouldn’t they just all betray me anyway? However, I still got the help that I needed because ultimately I didn’t want to live this way. So, I went to see a therapist to talk about my feelings and issues. This was very helpful as it allowed me to better understand and drop the negative feelings, and depression that I had at the time. I also tried to put myself out there, even if doing so brought me tons of pain, trauma and fear at the time. While it did lead to some people rejecting and also turning out to be bad friends, I became more willing to be open, expand my social circle once more, and make a couple new friends along the way too. One thing that also helped me tremendously on this recovery journey was putting my faith in Christ as simply doing so had a great healing effect on me. If you too have been in a situation similar to mine, my advice to you would be to turn away from those people immediately once you start to notice them treating you without respect, love, or regularly putting themselves first for real friends would never treat you like that. Trust me, you deserve better than to have people who do not respect or value you. Just like I have said at the beginning of this article though, I haven’t fully recovered from the experience yet and to this day, I still struggle with some problems related to it. For example, I start prematurely judging if someone likes me or not based on very small factors like when they text me, the pitch and tone of their voice when they talk to me, how they look at me, and many other small things. In other words, if I text you and you take hours or longer to respond, I start thinking things like “oh no, they hate me”, “I did something”, and “what possible reason could they have to hate me”. Although not as bad now, I developed a sort of dependence on the approval of others to try and remedy my pain and to “verify” that the person in question “doesn’t hate me”. Those two issues however, are currently being worked on and I have been learning to recover from them by also turning to professional help as well as friends, faces of trust, continuing to meet new people by putting myself out there, building and practicing self confidence, and trusting in/praising the lord. For you who are reading this, I hope I have been of help to you and have left behind something that you were able to relate with. Until next time!!! -Alejandro Mata Writing to a pen-pal is like travelling to another country without leaving the front door. When I was younger, I would open up an envelope in awe and admiration that the stamp and paper had traveled all the way to the United States. Writing is another form of socialization that can keep us connected. Writing doesn't have to be strictly about letters, either. I have tried out text messages, emails, and video chat. And these methods all work out. To some, pen-pals sound like an old-fashioned concept but it isn't because people communicate with strangers from a far away distance all the time. The Internet replaced traditional correspondence. The movement of writing about our day, requiring us to slow down and reflect, is therapeutic. You can compare the habit to journaling, except you're receiving feedback. Writing is also another way to bond with someone you're already friends with or a relative you want to keep in touch with. The activity sparks rays of creativity in ourselves. It can reduce stress and anxiety, increase self-awareness, and allow a space to express our emotions and thoughts. We're frequently on our computers, cell phones, and tablets on an everyday basis. Writing letters is a way that our eyes can take a needed break from our screens; but, as mentioned earlier, letters aren't the only option.
I enjoyed writing as a kid. I kept journals that I was too much of a perfectionist about. Entries rarely ever made it out alive because I'd rip the paper up into pieces when I made a handwriting mistake. Letters and emails were appealing. I already sent lots of emails when I was 9 years old and up to classmates just for fun. Developing a friendship with a pen-pal seemed so easy because you establish from the very beginning that you’ll be friends. In 2013, I found a website called Students of the World where children and young adults publish their ads in search of a pen-pal. I had several over the years and some of them we'd send letters back and forth; but I would mostly communicate with them by email. I learned that you have to go through a couple of pen-pals before you can find one that you click with. I feel lucky that the first person I ever wrote letters to is still a close friend of mine to this day. To protect her identity, she will be called V throughout the article. I was 13 years old and V was 11 years old when we met through the website. I live in the United States while she lives in Canada. We started out by emailing each other and after a couple of months, we decided to send letters. We would go on a hiatus every now and then. V became a really good friend, nonetheless, someone who I was comfortable being myself with. We still have those months where we don't hear from each other but, after eight years, we’ve developed the trust that we’ll hear back from each other, regardless. Although some people feel that the start of a pen-pal friendship is hard, in some ways it can be easy because you have the free range to talk about almost anything, like favourite books, movies, and music. Awkwardness, however, is normal. You might feel that conversations will flow better if you choose someone you have several interests in common with. Ask questions and react to what they say so the conversation does not turn one-sided. Discuss how many times you'd like to write, email, or text. The typical is either once per day, once a week, or once a month. V and I would have no definite time. We would either email each other once every couple of days or once a week. Keep in mind that responses slow down after the first couple of weeks or months. Remember to be courteous about how long you take to respond to them back. We all get busy so do not fret if you end up having a hard time replying. Taking your time to reply is preferable over responding right away, in the case with pen-pals. The way you communicate with a pen-pal isn't the way you'd communicate with someone you see on a regular basis. Your responses are supposed to be in a lengthy written or typed format. Otherwise, if you text or email each other quickly back and forth, you're really just chit-chatting. Unless that’s something you two want. Because pen-pals are real friends, too, that require time commitment, one is enough but if you'd like one or a couple more, take a look at your current day-to-day schedule and see whether you can fit time for these friendships. As a warning, people can drop out and you may have to re-start the process of finding a pen-pal all over. You can start out with a couple, just in case. At one point, I talked with 4 pen-pals. I couldn't keep up with all of them and, eventually, nearly all of us lost touch. As a suggestion on what to talk about, share the details of the small, mundane events that happen to you. You might think they're not interesting but, no one else is in your shoes, so to others, they might be hearing a new perspective or thought that they might find cool. Follow the topics as you would a walking path. You might be led to nearly irrelevant subjects and that is what will make the conversation run smooth. Let them know what your thoughts and opinions are about the subject; do not be afraid to disagree. V came up with the brilliant suggestion to add "currents" at the end of our emails, when we got older and felt that electronic correspondence was more convenient for us. For example, we would write what our current favorite book, snack, TV show and movie was. There is no set structure to follow when writing a letter or an email, as long as it is not a couple of sentences long. You will slowly get to know the person. You do not have to write your whole biography out in your introduction. Everything else that you want your pen-pal to know about you will naturally arise in the conversation. Figure out who will write first. Ask the other person to take the lead, if you're having a tough time knowing what to say. Ultimately, there is no one-size-fits-all to the flow of conversations --- some of them will be deep and profound, and others will be light-hearted and funny. When writing a letter, gifts are completely optional. With that being said, for those of you who are interested in wanting to add a little extra touch, here are a couple of ideas of what you can stuff inside envelopes without it costing too much money: tiny souvenirs, a map of your town, coin currency, fun stickers, washi tape, tea, stationary material, candy, jewelry, and plant seeds. You can find further inspiration on Instagram or Pinterest. The letter does not have to look aesthetic as you might see on Instagram. Just writing with a pen and paper to send a letter can brighten your friend's day. Something important to note is safety. Get to know your pen-pal through email or DMs first. When you're first talking with the person and you notice they don't seem to talk much about themselves, take it as a warning signal. Another red flag is if they ask you too many personal questions that make you feel uneasy. Listen to your gut! If you live in the United States, you can rent a P.O. box, a mailbox at a post office if you are not comfortable with giving away your home address but would still like to write to your pen-pal. Also, you have the option of just sharing your first name or a nickname with your pen-pal, instead of them knowing your full name. With emails, use a separate one just for pen-pals. And, although this might already be obvious, do not share your number if you pick up on weird vibes. The exceptional quality about pen-pals is that you’re receiving mail, whether physical or electronic, that was specifically made with you in mind. Furthermore, you get to understand a new point of view and peek into another part of the world. Or strengthen connections with people you’re already close with in a unique, personal way. Happy Pen-Paling!
Friendships can end for many reasons, in many ways. Sometimes, it’s a big argument, resulting in all ties being torn apart in a whirlwind of emotions, sometimes there are constant disagreements causing too much stress on both people. Whether calm or explosive, the end of a friendship hurts, but what is not often talked about is when, rather than going up in an explosion of emotion, the comforting, warm fire seems to have gone out leaving behind a cold void.
So how can you handle it when the elastic of your friendship seems to have stretched too far to ever go back to how it once was? For the duration of primary school I had a very close friend andwe had known each other since we were toddlers. We were the type of best friends who would make up handshakes, secret languages, and trade friendship bracelets. In our second to last year I made the decision to take the exam for grammar school. She was very supportive of this, but didn’t want to take it herself. When I passed the exam, we remained very close and promised we would meet up each week. We were willing to put in the effort to remain best friends, even at different schools. This worked for some time, but I began to notice how different we and our interests had become, sometimes it felt as if we were having two completely different conversations. Missing one meet up became missing two and so on. Before I knew it, we hadn’t seen each other in a year. Earlier this year we ran into each other after three years; it was an odd interaction to say the least. Where we would once barely be able to talk because we were laughing too much, now every word felt forced. Our conversation went as far as asking how school was and what GCSE options we picked, and then silence. Although a sad situation there are ways of dealing with growing apart that can make the process a little easier for everyone involved: Acknowledge the friendship for what it was – Whilst it can be sad to remember what a friendship was compared to what it may have become, you should acknowledge that it was once good. It is okay to feel upset over the loss of that, but you can be happy that you did experience such a great friendship at one point and enjoy those memories. Accept that it is not in your control – Everyone changes as they grow up, and that cannot be prevented; growing apart is out of your control and there is nobody to blame. For this reason, the first step to feeling better about it is to accept that change is constant and not something that can be stopped. Rather than looking back, look forward and have excitement for positive changes that may soon take place in your life. Appreciate what you have – When saddened by the loss of a friendship, think of your other friendships and appreciate how amazing they are, appreciate that since that friendship was once so great the chances are you will have other amazing friendships! Forgive – If you have grown apart from someone it can be easy to slip into a feeling of anger and resentment towards them or even yourself. Carrying such a negative weight with you can take its toll, and it is better for everyone involved if you accept and forgive, that way moving on will feel easier. Losing any friendship is extremely difficult, especially when it is out of your control. Often a friendship ending in an argument is easier to handle as there is someone to blame, and an obvious reason, but when it feels like your friendship is a burnt out candle, no gust of wind to be angry at, and no way of saving the wax from melting, it is difficult to get over. Hopefully, this article helps to ease the process of growing apart.
My friend I’ve known for many years now has been very open with me, talking about her past and how it affects her to this day. She has also given me permission to share her story with TWE!
Me and my friend met over social media a few years ago, we started talking because of our love for the twins known as Jedward. She saw how much I got to travel to see the twins so she wanted to get to know me but what I didn’t know was her life was very restricted. My friend has a past with mental health and she’s been in and out of hospital since the age of 13. That to me is really hard for a teenager, she was telling me how she didn’t get to go to school to get an education because she was just so ill to even attend school. One other reason she reached out to me was because she saw I started a Youtube channel where I share my story with mental health. She told me that she really found me inspiring and brave to be that open about my past. So, that’s how we formed a friendship by sharing our stories with each other! When she started to go into detail about her story I could really see how much it affected her and how she’s still here fighting each day! But she told me about her restricted life and how she wasn’t allowed to have her own freedom, no mobile phone, no social media. It had to be one-on-one, so that meant she was watched all the time with everything she did. Just hearing that was really heartbreaking for me because I couldn’t imagine not being able to have my own personal time. Being watched with every move I made, it’s really unbelievable at first but I knew she was still feeling that pain. This meant she was monitored when taking her medication and people had to make sure she was safe. She continued to tell me what it was like there in the secured unit, people really paranoid and just crying all the time because they felt like they were in a prison. Hearing her story really made me think that I should appreciate how lucky I was and am to have my freedom and own time. But also to have gained an education too when she didn’t really does make you think her childhood and teenage years were taken away from her. I know it was the best for her and her own health going into that place but to hear her own words about her experience was really life changing. We connected on so many levels with our mental health and we talked about how depression affected us both. Now, she lives in her own flat that is a part of supported living, so there is 24/7 support for her. She has come a very long way in her life and I’m proud to call her one of my friends! This time last year, she was still in hospital but now she does have her own flat with her own personal time. Plus, she wasn’t allowed out by herself unless she was accompanied by staff. But this past Monday she made a huge step in her recovery and was allowed to travel by herself to come and visit me. I truly do admire her strength and passion for sharing her story! But just goes to show how much you should really appreciate your freedom in life! Some advice I learnt from my friend was not to put your life on hold for one person, you should live your life to the fullest! Always put your needs before others because you are the one who needs the strength and energy to care for others. If you would like to check out my youtube channel click here; https://www.youtube.com/c/MelissaGrimes Mel I am currently facetiming one of my closest friends who just so happens to be a guy. I know, shock horror.
Yes, these relationships do exist! And no, I have no feelings of any kind towards this guy sitting eating edible paper in front of me. This is a friend who I can laugh with about inappropriate subjects and act goofy around without any fear of judgement. We understand each other and constantly make fun of each other. This is why our friendship is so strong. I know, however, that these relationships can be ridiculed and judged by others. In the past, I have been ‘shipped’ with my ‘guy friends’. People made fun of how close we were and said we should date. I naively thought that they were being genuine, instead of just ‘funny’, and dated these boys. Shockingly enough, none of these relationships lasted too long. This was simply because we just weren’t meant to be any more than friends. The worse thing was that, after the relationships fell apart, so did our friendships. You need to understand what you are risking before you get into a relationship with someone. However, sometimes it is difficult to tell whether you like someone as more than friends or not. You don’t want to ruin your friendship, but they seem to make you happier than anyone else and you can’t wait to see them. There are a few ‘tells’ which help me when deciding whether or not I like someone as more than a friend. Firstly, do you find them attractive? I know this sounds shallow, but it actually isn’t. A relationship is largely based on physical attraction. Of course, you have to like their personality, but if that’s all you like, then they may be more suited as a friend. Second, are they easy to talk to? This doesn’t mean you can talk for hours and hours on end, because that’s practically impossible. However, if you feel awkward or uncomfortable around them, this might be a sign that they aren’t right for you. Also, please remember that people can behave very differently over text, so make sure you have talked to someone face-to-face to truly know if your personalities are compatible. Thirdly, do they show any signs of wanting more. It would be pretty disappointing if you work yourself up about whether you want to be in a relationship with someone when they aren’t thinking the same thing. If you catch them staring at you or making an effort to spend more time with you (preferably alone), then it is possible they do, which means you may be more suited for a relationship. If none of these apply to your ‘guy friend’, then you probably aren’t ‘meant to be’. Remember, this isn’t a bad thing! In fact, being friends with people of the opposite gender can be very rewarding. They can give you insight into life on the ‘other side’ and you can talk about things that might not be appropriate in a relationship. They may even help you find ‘the one’! Chloë I thought I had it all sorted out; I would live with my friends, we would have a blast at university together, and nothing could possibly go wrong. I was wrong. People are not the same when you have to share the same space for extended periods of time. Living with friends can seem like a really fun idea, probably one that you’ve been planning with them for a long time. However, it’s not always pretty. You never really know the habits of your friends as you have never had to experience what they’re like at home for a long time. I’ve had multiple experiences with living with friends after I moved out for university. You want to be comfortable with the people you’re living with and the easiest way to do that is to live with someone you know. However, it all changes when you’re in the same space. You start to notice a lot more problems that you wouldn’t have if you weren’t sharing the same space. In my first year of university, I lived in university halls and had made friends with my flatmates prior to meeting them. They were a great bunch of people, extremely friendly, sociable and accommodating. As I stayed in that space more I started to realise that they were quite messy, loud and quite dramatic. I tried to keep to my own space but they constantly pushed boundaries and invaded that space. I eventually ended up cutting ties with all those people that I initially lived with as I could not get along with them at all. From there I realised something important - we don’t have the same upbringing. The type of habits and characters that they have in their living space was greatly influenced by the way they were brought up. What would be normal to me would not have necessarily been normal to them, so really I didn’t need to take everything personally. However, it was affecting my mental health and comfort so I need to find people who would respect the boundaries I had and I would do the same for them. One of the first steps to living with friends is having boundaries and also respecting their own. There may be things that you’ll let slide but remember you’re living together and it is a shared space at the end of the day. Just because they’re your friend doesn’t mean you should feel uncomfortable in your home. If you are upset one day they should either know how to navigate that or respect that you might just want your own space. I am lucky enough to live with people who respect that I have off days and we can communicate that with each other so that we don’t offend one another. Another tip is to prepare yourself for uncomfortable conversations. These types of difficult conversations and conflicts usually arise in friendship when having to share the same space. You begin to see another side of them that you might not have had a chance to explore when you weren’t living together. It’s okay to have these conversations and you don’t always have to agree. In fact, it makes your friendship stronger because you’re understanding your differences better. Living with friends always sounds like the better option than living with strangers. In most cases it is. However, the fear of losing a good friendship can hold you back from making that decision in case you can’t live comfortably with them. It’s understandable to have these fears, but always recognise that in most friendships, you’re in there because you value this person and they value you. Therefore differences you may face can be overcome.
TabithaI have recently lost my best friend. It was something I cried about for an entire night, but something that I woke up the next morning and realized was necessary. As tough as it is to lose your friend, sometimes it’s what’s needed. We hadn’t grown apart, but I had changed, and my friend had stayed the same. Sometimes this happens, and it doesn’t make someone bad or good, it just means that the relationship has changed. Sometimes we feel that we need a good reason to leave a relationship. Whether that be because it is abusive, toxic, due to hatred or dislike, and many other negative things--but we don’t need a reason like that. Sometimes you lose a relationship because you’ve grown apart, or you’ve grown out of it. Sometimes we change--for the better at that--and the relationship just doesn’t help you anymore. Maybe it actually hurts you because you argue more or disagree more, and many other things. Sometimes it is better to let go. This can be painful, and that’s okay. This can be freeing, and that’s okay. Whatever you feel is valid and real. So remember that you’re doing your best and that your best is enough. Keep your head up, the sun still rises! Helplines:
MercuryThere. You did it. You’ve come out to your parents. You’ve said those magic words. Light or dark magic, it could go either way. You wait anxiously for the infinite yet instantaneous reaction your parents are bound to have. We might expect our parents and loved ones to react to extremes. They are either supportive and accepting, or they could make coming out seem like the biggest mistake of your life. I think that a lot of us think that there is no in-between because of the portrayal ‘coming out’ has on the media. But what if your loved ones’ reactions are somewhere in the middle of that spectrum? Neither completely accepting nor distraught. It can still sting to be in a situation like this. What do you do? Is there a way out of this? I came out on a whim a few months ago. I was in the middle of one of my routinely ‘let’s complain about everything’ sessions with one of my friends, and I randomly wanted to come out to my mom. We were probably talking about how trapped we felt at home and how suffocating it felt to be in quarantine, which is what probably catalyzed my urge to come out. I knew that if I was going to come out to someone, it was going to be my mom. She and I are close and she’s not as religious as the rest of my family, so I knew that my only chance of being accepted by a family member was by my mom. So I left my friend waiting on facetime and approached my mom. Here’s a very brief summary of the conversation: Me: Uhh, I’ve got something to tell you Mom : *looks away from the TV and stares at me* Me: I…... like girls Mom: *stares harder* My Brain: ohmygodohmygodohgod what did you do you are an idiot why in the world would you even you’ve made the dumbest move in the entire universe ahhhhHHHHHHHHhh Mom: what? Me: Yeah, it’s been on my mind for a long time. Mom: I don’t know what to say; ignore it. It’s just a phase. *end of conversation* Ignore it. That was basically what my mother said. And then we both proceeded to act as nothing had happened. I was expecting a recreation of what I’d seen on TikTok. Happy hugs, relief, and joyful tears or the exact opposite. I wasn’t expecting to be left in the middle. It really stung to find out that my mom (and therefore the rest of my family) didn’t accept me. I never got my ‘I love you for who you are and everything will be fine’ hug. She told me that I should ignore any feelings about girls and just focus on school, and down the line I’d probably end up with a boy. I felt empty. Like I wasn’t a part of my family anymore. But I wasn’t abused or kicked out, and it could’ve been worse, but it still did hurt a lot. Because of this turn of events, I’m in a position where I’m out to my parents, but my parents pretend it never happened. So I basically had to walk and sit back down in my closet. My foot was stuck at the door. I thought that coming out to my family would be liberating. I wanted to be myself at home, which was important at the time because of quarantine. I wanted to cut my hair really short and give in to my masculine side a bit more. I wanted to talk about the women I thought were gorgeous and not the men that should be on my mind. But I couldn’t. I still wanted to celebrate though. Coming out felt like a milestone to me and I wanted to treat myself. I wanted to buy myself a pride flag, get some pride apparel, or even just paint a little rainbow in my room. But each idea was shot down by my parents and I couldn’t do anything about it. I only made it out because of my friends. They listened to me whenever I needed them. They were the ones that kept reminding me that I was perfect and they never let me forget that they accepted me. I’m eternally grateful for them. They even offered to smuggle me a pride flag. But I’m no trained secret agent, so I obviously had to reject the offer. Even after it being months since I’ve come out, at times I get frustrated and wound up because I can’t openly be queer. However, I’ve done a few things that have helped me feel less suffocated. Here are a few things you could try:
If you can’t turn your loved ones around, make sure you have a support team. This could be a group of friends, a school counselor or a public forum (make sure to not give out personal information on public forums). Anytime negative emotions start to crowd your mind, let them out as soon as possible. You can always leave an anonymous message right here, on the TWE website, and I can assure you that we’ll get back to you to help. I want you to remember that no matter how good or bad your coming out experience was, it takes a truckload of courage and confidence to do it, and I am so proud of you and my respect for you runs deep. Always know that if things aren’t the brightest right now, life is always changing and you will soon find a place in this world that is built for you, cares for you and loves you for who you are. Your true colors will always shine through in the end, and they are beautiful.
If you need someone to talk to : JahannaviHave you ever looked around you at your "friends", family members or celebrities and felt like you were being left behind? As if they were all achieving so many goals that you start to wonder: "Hey, when is it going to be my turn? Or better yet, will this ever happen to me too?" I suffered through this complex for a better part of my junior and senior year of high school when I realized a lot of my friends got into Ivy League schools all the way in the US, or that they were taking a gap year to work. It seemed as if everyone was finally going to experience their college dreams abroad while I was in Tanzania, with barely having anything figured out. I had fear and anxiety growing inside me every day because of this. Maybe it was because I was so used to having things planned out for me instead. I had, and if I am being honest, still have these overwhelming thoughts that I’m probably going to just be another extra or another background character to all of my friends' stories. All of this stemmed just from seeing a few of my friends already looking successful. Some had become small but growing influencers on social media, another had started a YouTube channel, and the girl I sat next to in class had started an online business that is taking off. As proud as I am of them, I just couldn’t help but feed the hungry thought that maybe I'd never be as impressive as they were. Like where was my shining moment? When will it happen to me? This ate me up to the point where even posting something on Instagram became hard for me and I always hit the discard button. That annoying and degrading voice in my head would taunt me and remind me of how anything I do would ever be good enough. There were so many people out there with better content than me, so why even try? Fast forward to a few months later, I finally understood that I had a comparison complex. I constantly used to compare every single detail about my social life with people I idolized even my closest friends. I understand they would never rub it in my face to taunt me but the insecurity that I was being left behind became an obsession. So what I did was that I decided to spend less time on the apps that I believed just added salt to the wound such as Instagram. I went from spending half my day on there to just mainly opening it at night. With Snapchat, I stopped doing streaks which ultimately led to me rarely opening it to check out peoples' stories. This small action helped immensely in building my self confidence. If I wasn’t seeing the things that triggered me negatively, like a classmate posting their new college jersey, I wouldn't compare myself to them as much. I also reduced talking to some of the friends that brought out these insecurities in me. Not out of hate or envy, but I needed to focus more myself. To build the person I wanted to turn into rather than compare my current state to the picture of my best friend in Australia. Just to be clear, I celebrate my friends' accomplishments but putting distance between them and me was my way of learning how to celebrate myself instead. Now I know that a comparison complex can be triggered by other things, which might not necessarily be the need to be successful like mine was; but here’s a few tips I hope will help you through this phase the same way they helped me:
Now I want to end with this quote; “ You’re so busy doubting yourself, while others are intimidated by your potential”. This quote reminded me daily that the way I was thinking about how all my classmates were moving forward was the same way that some of them might view me. Someone could be looking up to you and you wouldn’t even know it! I hope this helped you. I want you to know that It will get better. It will take time but it will. Try channelling that obsession with comparing yourself with others to comparing yourself with who you were yesterday and who you want to be tomorrow.
Fighting could be over anything; a meet up gone wrong to losing something valuable. Sometimes it could be about feeling neglected by the other, or feeling misunderstood. Whatever the reason, fights happen. As toxic as it may sound, disagreements are inevitable. It's because we all constantly grow mentally and sometimes you don't always have to agree with what the other person does because it doesn't align with who you are anymore. Fights tend to end up with someone leaving with their feelings hurt, regretful of what they may or may not have said, and sometimes and as much as we dont want to admit it; fights might bring an end to a friendship you thought would last forever...that's what hurts the most. A fight recently happened between me and a close friend of mine. We had a fight about something I had said, which to be honest it was an insensitive comment on religion, I later realized and the aftermath of that comment resulted in her cutting me off, completely, and I felt terrible. Especially when it wouldn’t matter what i’d try to say to her, she just wouldn't respond to me, and some of the things she said made me feel like complete rubbish, this went on for days. Overthinking about how I should have directed the conversation so it wouldn’t turn out the way it did, to regret over what i said, then eventually the anger set in; she could cut me off that easily? Like our friendship was really that disposable to her? It wasn't until days later when I asked her about it that I found out it wasn’t even the real problem. She was mad and cut me off because she felt like I was making fun of her over something she was explaining to me before and my religious comment was kind of the tip of the iceberg for her, which was why it made her cut me off in the first place. Point is, I would have never even known she felt that way if I didn’t tell her how she made me feel. And even though we made up now, there's things I wish I did that could have helped avoid the swarm of emotions the aftermath of that fight had on me, and I made a few suggestions on what to do after having a fight with someone you care about, both for you and for the other person.
For me I thought I was angry at my friend for just cutting me off and making me feel irritated at the fact that if i said something to try and solve it, she wouldn't listen to me. But as the days went on with us not talking, I realised that I was more angry at the thought that she could get rid of me that easily and the thought that maybe she didn't value this friendship the same way I did. And with a lot more thinking, I realised that I felt this way because of an insecurity I have. Well, we all have insecurities, fact, but for me it’s more to do with the thought that I wasn’t good enough of a person to be around, that I wasn’t as interesting as other people were.
Also, even after doing all of this, it's good to keep in mind that, as sad as it may be, not all friendships last forever. A lot of the time people outgrow each other, you both stopped liking the same things and maybe the other person doesn’t align with who you're becoming anymore ( hopefully for the better)/ So I would say don’t beat yourself up about it, it hurts but maybe it's for the better. Theres alot of toxic people out there, and if this fight showed who you were dealing with the whole time. Think of it this way, the friendship you just lost shows you the kind of people you might not want in your life in the future. Whatever happens remember to be kind to yourself; even if you're in the wrong or right. Cause your friend(s) might leave, but you’ll always have you.
COVID-19 has affected everyone in many different ways and has essentially changed all of our lives. Throughout this time, I learned a lot about my friends and our relationships. I became extremely close with some friends, lost and drifted from some friends, and also learned how toxic some people were. In school, I had a close group of friends, which included me and three other girls, but I also had an extended group of friends which probably ranged between 15 and 20 people, as well as others. During school, I was with these people every day and it was really easy to communicate and stay in touch. However, this changed when we went into lockdown in March of 2020. I felt extremely isolated and was not able to see anyone for two months. I kept in touch with my close group of friends and a couple of other friends during COVID, however, I also drifted with many of my friends. I realized who my true friends were. Furthermore, I became aware of the effort I was putting into many relationships that weren't being reciprocated. Through this time I was able to realize how much effort friendships really took, and I also realized how valuable my closest friends are. Unfortunately, I did have some toxic friends through this time that were not treating me or some of my other friends right. Toxic people, in general, are tricky to deal with, but my advice for them is to talk to them, tell them how you feel, and what you feel they could do to make you feel better and more comfortable. Then, give them a chance to change, but if you realize they continue to be toxic, cut your losses. There is no need for anyone to be involved with people who bring you down or treat you badly. You deserve the best!
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Teenagers With Experience is an online organisation created to provide teenagers worldwide with an online platform to share their own experiences to be able to help, inform and educate others on a variety of different topics. We aim to provide a safe space to all young people. You can contact us via email, social media or our contact form.
Please note that the content on this website is created by teenagers. While we strive to provide accurate and helpful information, it is important to remember that we are not professional experts. If you are experiencing a crisis or need professional advice, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional or a helpline. |