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my comparison complex

22/4/2022

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Have you ever looked around you at your "friends", family members or celebrities and felt like you were being left behind? As if they were all achieving so many goals that you start to wonder: "Hey, when is it going to be my turn? Or better yet, will this ever happen to me too?"

I suffered through this complex for a better part of my junior and senior year of high school when I realized a lot of my friends got into Ivy League schools all the way in the US, or that they were taking a gap year to work. It seemed as if everyone was finally going to experience their college dreams abroad while I was in Tanzania, with barely having anything figured out. 

I had fear and anxiety growing inside me every day because of this. Maybe it was because I was so used to having things planned out for me instead. 

I had, and if I am being honest, still have these overwhelming thoughts that I’m probably going to just be another extra or another background character to all of my friends' stories. All of this stemmed just from seeing a few of my friends already looking successful. Some had become small but growing influencers on social media, another had started a YouTube channel, and the girl I sat next to in class had started an online business that is taking off. As proud as I am of them, I just couldn’t help but feed the hungry thought that maybe I'd never be as impressive as they were.

Like where was my shining moment? When will it happen to me? This ate me up to the point where even posting something on Instagram became hard for me and I always hit the discard button. That annoying and degrading voice in my head would taunt me and remind me of how anything I do would ever be good enough. There were so many people out there with better content than me, so why even try?

Fast forward to a few months later, I finally understood that I had a comparison complex. I constantly used to compare every single detail about my social life with people I idolized even my closest friends. I understand they would never rub it in my face to taunt me but the insecurity that I was being left behind became an obsession.

So what I did was that I decided to spend less time on the apps that I believed just added salt to the wound such as Instagram. I went from spending half my day on there to just mainly opening it at night. With Snapchat, I stopped doing streaks which ultimately led to me rarely opening it to check out peoples' stories. This small action helped immensely in building my self confidence.

If I wasn’t seeing the things that triggered me negatively, like a classmate posting their new college jersey,  I wouldn't compare myself to them as much. I also reduced talking to some of the friends that brought out these insecurities in me. Not out of hate or envy, but I needed to focus more myself. To build the person I wanted to turn into rather than compare my current state to the picture of my best friend in Australia.

 Just to be clear, I celebrate my friends' accomplishments but putting distance between them and me was my way of learning how to celebrate myself instead. 

Now I know that a comparison complex can be triggered by other things, which might not necessarily be the need to be successful like mine was; but here’s a few tips I hope will help you through this phase the same way they helped me:
  • Reduce your screen time on apps that  trigger you into feeling negatively about yourself. Cause for me I thought negatively mainly after I saw something from social media. And when I wasn't there, I was okay, so I figured spending less time there would build my confidence enough for whenever I go back, I wouldn't be affected as much.
 
  • Considering unfollowing accounts you tend to compare yourself with this was something I did with celebrity accounts such as Kylie Jenner's. I know this is a bit of a stretch but seeing her being a billionaire at just twenty three didn’t make me feel a whole lot better and if you don’t see yourself doing this then maybe my third tip would be...
 
  • Follow more self love and motivational accounts. I know Instagram accounts like @femalecollective and @emotional.healer . The latter listens to your problems and it’s a great place to vent. Follow more accounts that help you feel better about yourself.
 
  • Make hobbies or other activities that help distract you from thoughts that’ll eat you up or focus and advance whatever skill you may have like painting, playing the guitar, working out, or whatever else you're interested in. The more you improve the more you’ll appreciate yourself by being able to do something others probably don’t know how to!
 
  • Listen to music, dance silly in your bed-room and learn to enjoy yourself for who you are. 
 
  • Talk to someone, even the source of your insecurity. So far, I have talked to my friend about this and she made me realize that pictures don’t always reveal everything. She has had her own fears that she was struggling with and knowing this made me realize how talking things out lifted a weight that I didn’t know I was carrying off my shoulders as we comforted each other.

​Now I want to end with this quote; “ You’re so busy doubting yourself, while others are intimidated by your potential”. This quote reminded me daily that the way I was thinking about how all my classmates were moving forward was the same way that some of them might view me. Someone could be looking up to you and you wouldn’t even know it! I hope this helped you. I want you to know that It will get better. It will take time but it will. Try channelling that obsession with comparing yourself with others to comparing yourself with who you were yesterday and who you want to be tomorrow.

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Magdalena

(She/Her)
Magdalena writes so that others may find the advice or information they have been searching for. Her articles aim to make her readers feel less alone.

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fighting with someone you care about

22/4/2022

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Fighting could be over anything; a meet up gone wrong to losing something valuable. Sometimes it could be about feeling neglected by the other, or feeling misunderstood. Whatever the reason, fights happen. As toxic as it may sound, disagreements are inevitable. It's because we all constantly grow mentally and sometimes you don't always have to agree with what the other person does because it doesn't align with who you are anymore. 

Fights tend to end up with someone leaving with their feelings hurt, regretful of what they may or may not have said, and sometimes and as much as we dont want to admit it; fights might bring an end to a friendship you thought would last forever...that's what hurts the most.

A fight recently happened between me and a close friend of mine. We had a fight about something I had said, which to be honest it was an insensitive comment on religion, I later realized and the aftermath of that comment resulted in her cutting me off, completely, and I felt terrible. Especially when it wouldn’t matter what i’d try to say to her, she just wouldn't respond to me, and some of the things she said made me feel like complete rubbish, this went on for days. 

Overthinking about how I should have directed the conversation so it wouldn’t turn out the way it did, to regret over what i said, then eventually the anger set in; she could cut me off that easily? Like our friendship was really that disposable to her?

 It wasn't until days later when I asked her about it that I found out it wasn’t even the real problem. She was mad and cut me off because she felt like I was making fun of her over something she was explaining to me before and my religious comment was kind of the tip of the iceberg for her,  which was why it made her cut me off in the first place.

Point is, I would have never even known she felt that way if I didn’t tell her how she made me feel. And even though we made up now, there's things I wish I did that could have helped avoid the swarm of emotions the aftermath of that fight had on me, and I made a few suggestions on what to do after having a fight with someone you care about, both for you and for the other person.

  • Take a step back from the situation and ask yourself what are you guys even fighting about in the first place.

  • Remember, that it's you two against the problem, not each other.

  • If you feel a sudden rash of anger or any other emotion really, because of the dispute, ask yourself why? Why is this making you angry? Is it because the topic at hand is sensitive for you and why? or is it because you feel like they don’t want to understand you? Is this anger you feel rooted to something deeper than what's happening at the moment?

For me I thought I was angry at my friend for just cutting me off and making me feel irritated at the fact that if i said something to try and solve it, she wouldn't listen to me. But as the days went on with us not talking, I realised that I was more angry at the thought that she could get rid of me that easily and the thought that maybe she didn't value this friendship the same way I did.

 And with a lot more thinking, I realised that I felt this way because of an insecurity I have. Well, we all have insecurities, fact, but for me it’s more to do with the thought that I wasn’t good enough of a person to be around, that I wasn’t as interesting as other people were.

  • Pay attention to your tone while communicating with the other person, Because I’ve noticed that once voices are raised situations tend to escalate more than they should have in the first place. That and the fact that this can trigger the other party to get defensive. So try to explain yourself in a calm way, which I understand can be really hard! But it could help avoid turning an argument into something it really isn't. 

  • Sometimes it's good to stop and listen to what the other person is trying to say. Because I won’t lie, I tend to not listen sometimes even without meaning to. Which probably explains why my friend decided to leave the conversation in the first place, but anyway, stop and listen and understand what the other person is saying. Cause when you get to understand their point of view, it could help the situation for the better.

  • And in the case where you feel like you're not being listened to or understood. Leave. Don’t be afraid to do so. Because as much as you might care about the other person, you have to put yourself first. You can come back to finish the arguement or talk to them about it when you have a clearer and calm mindset . Because it could save you from saying something that you might regret later, that and sometimes protecting your peace is better than getting into a fight.

  • Also, it's completely okay to admit when you're wrong in a fight, Because mistakes happen and no one is perfect. And more importantly it’s accepting that you're in the wrong, not just to the person you're in a fight with, but more to yourself, will help you grow as a person. This acceptance will help you mature because one, it makes you a bigger person and it teaches you a lesson for the future; if something like whatever you're fighting about happens again, you’ll know what not to do in that kind of situation.

  • Apologise. In the case where you're the wrong one, sometimes just having the other person hear you say sorry can resolve a lot more tension than you realize. Just take a second to put your pride aside and say you're sorry for making the person feel that way or doing whatever it is that you did that caused this fight in the first place. For me, after having a long argument with my friend over what really happened between us, Me just apologising to her and admitting i was wrong; ended the whole fight entirely.

  • Last but definitely not least; Be. Kind. Be kind to yourself. During the entire showdown or the aftermath of your fight, be kind to yourself. As much as you might want to beat yourself up for disappointing someone you care about, or being angry with the world and or blaming yourself repeatedly after it happens, won’t change what happened. All you're doing is making yourself feel even worse than you already do at that point. So I’d say distract yourself with a book, youtube, and even consulting with your other friends if possible. Keeping yourself busy can help distract you from feeling the way you do. Focus on school work and any hobbies you might have. It could help you feel better.

Also, even after doing all of this, it's good to keep in mind that, as sad as it may be, not all friendships last forever. A lot of the time people outgrow each other, you both stopped liking the same things and maybe the other person doesn’t align with who you're becoming anymore ( hopefully for the better)/ So I would say don’t beat yourself up about it, it hurts but maybe it's for the better. Theres alot of toxic people out there, and if this fight showed who you were dealing with the whole time.

Think of it this way, the friendship you just lost shows you the kind of people you might not want in your life in the future. Whatever happens remember to be kind to yourself; even if you're in the wrong or right. Cause your friend(s) might leave, but you’ll always have you.

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Magdalena

(She/Her)
Magdalena writes so that others may find the advice or information they have been searching for. Her articles aim to make her readers feel less alone.

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covid-19 vs my friendships

1/4/2022

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​COVID-19 has affected everyone in many different ways and has essentially changed all of our lives. Throughout this time, I learned a lot about my friends and our relationships. I became extremely close with some friends, lost and drifted from some friends, and also learned how toxic some people were.

In school, I had a close group of friends, which included me and three other girls, but I also had an extended group of friends which probably ranged between 15 and 20 people, as well as others. During school, I was with these people every day and it was really easy to communicate and stay in touch. However, this changed when we went into lockdown in March of 2020. I felt extremely isolated and was not able to see anyone for two months. I kept in touch with my close group of friends and a couple of other friends during COVID, however, I also drifted with many of my friends. I realized who my true friends were. Furthermore, I became aware of the effort I was putting into many relationships that weren't being reciprocated. Through this time I was able to realize how much effort friendships really took, and I also realized how valuable my closest friends are. 

Unfortunately, I did have some toxic friends through this time that were not treating me or some of my other friends right. Toxic people, in general, are tricky to deal with, but my advice for them is to talk to them, tell them how you feel, and what you feel they could do to make you feel better and more comfortable. Then, give them a chance to change, but if you realize they continue to be toxic, cut your losses. There is no need for anyone to be involved with people who bring you down or treat you badly. You deserve the best!

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Arya

(She/Her)
Arya writes articles because writing allows her to express herself in her favorite and most comfortable way, and she is able to share her experiences and perspective on many different topics.
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