fighting with someone you care about

Fighting could be over anything; a meet up gone wrong to losing something valuable. Sometimes it could be about feeling neglected by the other, or feeling misunderstood. Whatever the reason, fights happen. As toxic as it may sound, disagreements are inevitable. It's because we all constantly grow mentally and sometimes you don't always have to agree with what the other person does because it doesn't align with who you are anymore. 

Fights tend to end up with someone leaving with their feelings hurt, regretful of what they may or may not have said, and sometimes and as much as we dont want to admit it; fights might bring an end to a friendship you thought would last forever...that's what hurts the most.

A fight recently happened between me and a close friend of mine. We had a fight about something I had said, which to be honest it was an insensitive comment on religion, I later realized and the aftermath of that comment resulted in her cutting me off, completely, and I felt terrible. Especially when it wouldn’t matter what i’d try to say to her, she just wouldn't respond to me, and some of the things she said made me feel like complete rubbish, this went on for days. 

Overthinking about how I should have directed the conversation so it wouldn’t turn out the way it did, to regret over what i said, then eventually the anger set in; she could cut me off that easily? Like our friendship was really that disposable to her?

 It wasn't until days later when I asked her about it that I found out it wasn’t even the real problem. She was mad and cut me off because she felt like I was making fun of her over something she was explaining to me before and my religious comment was kind of the tip of the iceberg for her,  which was why it made her cut me off in the first place.

Point is, I would have never even known she felt that way if I didn’t tell her how she made me feel. And even though we made up now, there's things I wish I did that could have helped avoid the swarm of emotions the aftermath of that fight had on me, and I made a few suggestions on what to do after having a fight with someone you care about, both for you and for the other person.

• Take a step back from the situation and ask yourself what are you guys even fighting about in the first place.

• Remember, that it's you two against the problem, not each other.

• If you feel a sudden rash of anger or any other emotion really, because of the dispute, ask yourself why? Why is this making you angry? Is it because the topic at hand is sensitive for you and why? or is it because you feel like they don’t want to understand you? Is this anger you feel rooted to something deeper than what's happening at the moment?

For me I thought I was angry at my friend for just cutting me off and making me feel irritated at the fact that if i said something to try and solve it, she wouldn't listen to me. But as the days went on with us not talking, I realised that I was more angry at the thought that she could get rid of me that easily and the thought that maybe she didn't value this friendship the same way I did.

 And with a lot more thinking, I realised that I felt this way because of an insecurity I have. Well, we all have insecurities, fact, but for me it’s more to do with the thought that I wasn’t good enough of a person to be around, that I wasn’t as interesting as other people were.

• Pay attention to your tone while communicating with the other person, Because I’ve noticed that once voices are raised situations tend to escalate more than they should have in the first place. That and the fact that this can trigger the other party to get defensive. So try to explain yourself in a calm way, which I understand can be really hard! But it could help avoid turning an argument into something it really isn't. 

• Sometimes it's good to stop and listen to what the other person is trying to say. Because I won’t lie, I tend to not listen sometimes even without meaning to. Which probably explains why my friend decided to leave the conversation in the first place, but anyway, stop and listen and understand what the other person is saying. Cause when you get to understand their point of view, it could help the situation for the better.

• And in the case where you feel like you're not being listened to or understood. Leave. Don’t be afraid to do so. Because as much as you might care about the other person, you have to put yourself first. You can come back to finish the arguement or talk to them about it when you have a clearer and calm mindset . Because it could save you from saying something that you might regret later, that and sometimes protecting your peace is better than getting into a fight.

• Also, it's completely okay to admit when you're wrong in a fight, Because mistakes happen and no one is perfect. And more importantly it’s accepting that you're in the wrong, not just to the person you're in a fight with, but more to yourself, will help you grow as a person. This acceptance will help you mature because one, it makes you a bigger person and it teaches you a lesson for the future; if something like whatever you're fighting about happens again, you’ll know what not to do in that kind of situation.

• Apologise. In the case where you're the wrong one, sometimes just having the other person hear you say sorry can resolve a lot more tension than you realize. Just take a second to put your pride aside and say you're sorry for making the person feel that way or doing whatever it is that you did that caused this fight in the first place. For me, after having a long argument with my friend over what really happened between us, Me just apologising to her and admitting i was wrong; ended the whole fight entirely.

• Last but definitely not least; Be. Kind. Be kind to yourself. During the entire showdown or the aftermath of your fight, be kind to yourself. As much as you might want to beat yourself up for disappointing someone you care about, or being angry with the world and or blaming yourself repeatedly after it happens, won’t change what happened. All you're doing is making yourself feel even worse than you already do at that point. So I’d say distract yourself with a book, youtube, and even consulting with your other friends if possible. Keeping yourself busy can help distract you from feeling the way you do. Focus on school work and any hobbies you might have. It could help you feel better.

Also, even after doing all of this, it's good to keep in mind that, as sad as it may be, not all friendships last forever. A lot of the time people outgrow each other, you both stopped liking the same things and maybe the other person doesn’t align with who you're becoming anymore ( hopefully for the better)/ So I would say don’t beat yourself up about it, it hurts but maybe it's for the better. Theres alot of toxic people out there, and if this fight showed who you were dealing with the whole time.

Think of it this way, the friendship you just lost shows you the kind of people you might not want in your life in the future. Whatever happens remember to be kind to yourself; even if you're in the wrong or right. Cause your friend(s) might leave, but you’ll always have you.

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Magdalena

(She/Her)
Magdalena writes so that others may find the advice or information they have been searching for. Her articles aim to make her readers feel less alone.