how self-harm has affected my life

TW: Self-Harm, Body Image

I used to love swimming. It was a large part of my childhood- the early morning swims that my family would do on holiday, going to the beach with my friends and going to the local pool on weekends. I think my favourite part of it all was the silence, that unnatural calm that you get when you are underwater- the feeling that nothing and no one can touch you in that moment, away from all the noise above the surface. 

I didn’t realise how much I yearned for it until it was gone.

My dad asked me today if I wanted to go to the pool with him tomorrow, just the two of us. He is rarely home and the thought of us sharing that moment, just like when I was a kid, filled me with hope and comfort. It was only until I was sitting in the shower hours later that I realised I had failed to consider two important factors.

1. My fresh scars would be visible in a bathing suit
2. I haven’t been able to look at myself in the mirror for weeks, let alone in a bikini.

Somehow I managed to lapse, just for a moment, back to three years ago. A time before I started to self-harm, before my body was the first thing on my mind in the morning. And yet, that reality of the things, the person that I had lost, swept me away in a tidal wave. It occurred to me how much I was missing, the empty hole I was trying to fill by turning on myself.

I really hope that in a couple of months time, I will look back on this article after my first trip back in the water. I hope things will be different. Because right now, I will be honest:

I am so tired.

It is not easy being this way, watching the things you love escape out of your reach. But the important thing that I try to keep reminding myself is that I’m trying. It might not mean much but I am, and I hope you will too.

I have been struggling with self harm for almost 4 years now, and that is not easy to come back from. But we must all find a way, in whatever steps we take, that are towards a brighter future for ourselves. 

We must find something to fight for.

I fight for the silence. For the water. For the person I left behind beneath the surface.

Have faith in yourself, receive the love you deserve.

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Bella

(She/Her)
Bella writers articles to provide honest advice to those who need it, and to inspire others to maybe begin to write themselves.
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