Accepting your Past

I don’t know how it started, but one thing I was sure about was that I felt disgusted about myself. I realized that my present self was shaped by emotionally detached experiences in childhood. I didn’t get as much love as my siblings got. I got physical and emotional punishment. Also, being the first kid compelled me to act like a mature person, like being a projection when my parents fought. I was treated like this even when I was still learning how to count 1+1. 

It was too painful to tell but, my childhood turned me into an unhappy, heartless kid. I resented myself and wondered if I was worthy to live this life. 

I was being mocked for my unhappy personality in my childhood. I once asked my family, “What was the happiest moment when I was a child?”. I couldn’t wait to see my family’s response, but instead, they responded “Oh, nothing that made you happy. You are just a gloomy kid”. My self-esteem went down immediately. I was haunted by anger and regrets. I wanted to point a finger and blame someone but I couldn’t. 

It took me years to accept my childhood experience. But, I stand here for anyone who has the same feelings. You are not alone. Here are some things to remember that helped me let my wounded unhappy childhood go.

1. Good things happened.
   

Regardless of how hurtful my childhood was, I believe there were huge good things that happened to me. I got into my dream university, I have supportive friends, and I went to many beautiful places. I won’t let the sadness of my past childhood control me and take my future. 

1. Disclose your feelings to the ones who hurt you.
   

Your family or your relatives may not know of your feelings. Disclosing your feelings could give insights into what truly happens in your life. It is also hard to hold your feelings for yourself. You may want to disclose your feelings to relieve the burdens you’ve been holding.

1. Forgiving takes time.
   

It is okay to feel not okay.  It takes time to fully forgive your childhood. Childhood experiences may come to the surface at times. Let time heal. 

1. You still have a future.
   

Though your childhood was not fulfilled, remember that you still have the present and future. Remind yourself of your dreams and your ideal life. Stop fixing your past and live your present. 

Admittedly, forgiving the past would be hard. Several times, I thought ‘If I wasn’t..’ or ‘I wouldn’t be here if I was..”. But remind yourself that the past can’t be changed. Let the past be a  history. Use it as a power to grow yourself. The story is not only just past tense. But it can be used in present and future tense, and you have the power to write your own. 

- Syfia

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Syfia