swipe left or swipe right

PLEASE NOTE: You must be 18 or over to legally use a dating website or app so please bear that in mind.

Online dating has become increasingly popular in recent years and it looks like that trend is only going to continue. Gone are the days of meeting someone in a bar or through a mutual friend. It's easy to see why people turn to websites like Tinder, or Match.com. It is so easy to create a profile and it allows you to meet single people outside your circles who you may not have otherwise given a second look.

But online dating is also scary. With an estimated 323.9 million people using dating apps (source: Cloudwards.net) it can be really difficult to decide who to 'swipe left' or 'swipe right', so to speak. Not everyone on a dating site is going to be trustworthy and who they say they are and, certainly for women, unsolicited pictures (colloquially known as 'dick pics') are a common occurrence. But it’s not just women. Men can also feel concerned for their safety as women online can also be inclined to lie or make omissions about who they are and their life. So do the pros of online dating outweigh the cons and if so, how can you keep yourself safe?

I am extremely inexperienced when it comes to dating. My first and only serious relationship was when I was 15/16 years old and it really didn't end well. I had briefly considered online dating before but I had always been scared as all I’ve ever known is the horror stories you hear about catfishes and dick pics and people just looking for sex. I knew I didn’t want that so I was very reluctant to go online, despite my godmother insisting that I needed to get out there again and give dating a chance. But, despite my reservations,  I have recently taken the leap and decided to try Facebook Dating. It’s been an interesting endeavour, to say the least. I was decidedly optimistic about online dating and thought I’d met ‘the one’ the first time I matched and spoke with someone. 

That was my first encounter with what I call ‘the bullshitter.’ He told me he’d never met anyone like me, never felt this way about anyone and he was falling in love with me (this was all on the first date, two days after we’d started talking, can I add.) He kept saying how he couldn’t wait to put a ring on my finger and spend his life with me. Cue two weeks later, two days before our second date, he messaged me to tell me he was getting back with his ex-girlfriend… who was also pregnant with his baby. I mean - what, wow. What am I meant to do with that?

Understandably, I was pretty cautious and nervous after that about getting too invested in anyone. I didn’t want to be let down yet again. In the past month or so, I have matched with many people and spoken with roughly half of them. Half of those I’ve clicked with and half of them either didn’t work out or didn’t even reply. I’ve been ghosted, sent unsolicited dirty messages and blocked for no reason at all among other strange interactions. I honestly considered deactivating my profile and just giving up again. 

Roughly two weeks ago, I met one of the sweetest guys I've ever encountered. He has one young daughter which is a bit scary for a 22 year old, but he is so kind and makes me feel pretty damn special - not in the way the bullshitter did though, but in a genuine way. He’s made it very clear that he’s fine with me needing to slow down and he won’t pressure me into anything that I’m not ready for or completely 100% comfortable with. It’s early days but we’ve been on three dates so far and thanks to him, I’ve regained a little bit of hope and faith in online dating. 

Just because I have met some horrible people doesn’t mean that everyone is horrible. There are some genuinely nice guys online, as proven by the latest guy I’ve met. Online dating is scary and yes, it can be really difficult to navigate like some kind of unsolvable puzzle. But I don't want you to write it off just because of the prospect of meeting someone horrible. So here are some tips from personal experience on how to keep yourself safe and enjoy the experience.

• If something feels off, trust your instinct.

Everybody has a gut instinct which is designed to protect us from harm and guide us in the right direction when making decisions. Usually, your gut instinct is right and if it’s telling you something is wrong or there is something a little bit off, you are getting that feeling for a reason. So rather than just ignoring it and brushing it off, maybe try listening to it. I sure wish I had. With the first guy I met, there was a little niggling thought in my head that it was too good to be true and that he couldn’t be as good as he seems. It turns out my mum had the same thoughts and was concerned that I’d get hurt, which in the end I did. 

• Don't share too much personal information 

This is Internet 101. Whenever you meet someone online, you have to be careful about what you share with them as not everyone is going to be who they say they are and your personal information can easily be used against you. Things like your address or where you work should be kept to yourself until you are completely sure that it is necessary and safe to share and never share things like passwords or social media logins.

• When meeting, have a friend who has your back

When I went on my first date, a friend offered to come and sit in the background to keep an eye on me and then I could let her know if I needed an out. Granted, I didn’t take her up on that but I did give her a code word that I would use if I felt uncomfortable, and then she would give me a call with an emergency that I could use to leave. If you have a friend or family member who you trust, let them know where you’re going and when and maybe organise some kind of code like I did in case things go bad.

• Be open minded when it comes to hobbies and interests 

Just because people don’t share any hobbies or interests with you doesn’t mean you won’t click. One of the guys I spoke to was interested in bottle collecting and metal detecting. Those kinds of things are not even remotely interesting to me but I really liked the guy. So be open minded and don’t just write them off because you don’t have everything in common.

• Don't put too much pressure on yourself

You don’t have to meet ‘the one’ as soon as you start online dating. I mean, I thought I had and look how that turned out for me. Don’t be afraid to move slowly, take your time and just have fun. If it’s meant to be, things will naturally progress at a pace you are comfortable with and you shouldn’t put any pressure on yourself to move on quicker than you feel ready to, and no-one else should pressure you either. 

So whilst I encourage you to enjoy the experience of online dating if you decide to try it, I’ll leave you with this thought: be careful and stay safe.

~ Kenzie x

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KENZIE
(She/Her)

Her articles most often cover mental health, body image and current issues/lifestyle. When not volunteering at TWE, Kenzie loves to spend her time watching drag queens, reading or acting. She firmly believes that in another life, she is a drag queen but in this life, her favourite drag queen is Bianca Del Rio.